There are countless reasons moms stay up late:
1. Kids.
This is the most important. Crotch dumplings under the age of 16 don’t yet know the value of sleep. Can I have a glass of water? Why is the moon round? Can I go to Amanda’s house she’s having a sleepover (but by Amanda I really mean Craig). Uh … they really don’t know the joy of sleeping at 7 p.m.
2. Your mind is a merry-go-round and a roller coaster all in one … but ON FIRE.
Bills? Do I have a doctor's appointment? Is my child happy? Was I a b—- today? I should have said something when that lady looked at me when I stole my kid's Kinder Surprise. Wish my husband would stop snoring … that type of thing.
3. Facebook.
Read a comment on a post that a stranger posted and now I’ve just taken a tour of their 2008 trip to Disneyland and know their whole life story, including their relatives. Also aunt May has really aged well over the years.
4. Netflix/Hulu.
I just downloaded all of the series of the Kardashians even though I said I would stop watching it because the fact that this family won’t f— Scott off weirds me out.
Also, watching The Handmaid's Tale. Sometimes I am so engrossed in it I feel like I’m a woman trapped who is just having babies constantly … hmm … blessed be the fruit, I say!
5. Laundry.
Forget The NeverEnding Story, it’s the never-ending laundry. I hope no one says my name, I’m happy for the nothing to destroy that world.
6. Cleaning.
Cleaning … cleaning … there’s so much cleaning to be done by everyone.
7. Stupid songs like above.
They get stuck in your head.
8. Online shopping.
I don’t need shoes because I don’t leave the house, but I need shoes … you feel me?
9. Looking at photos of your children.
Even though they cause you hemorrhoids, physically and metaphorically, you miss them when they sleep.
10. Pinterest.
Pinteresting hair cuts I will never have nor afford. Or saving recipes and crafts that I will never do.
11. Being poked by your man's disco stick...
And wondering in which language will you say, “hell no.”
12. Poking your man with your...
Well, your finger and giving him the wiggly eyebrows. Yeah baby, you know you want me in my big nanna undies and wild forest legs.
13. Counting how many hours of sleep you will get.
But won’t because you’re still up and counting.
14. Showering
Because when that hot water hits your body without interruptions, it feels like Jason Momoa is slow dancing with you. Momoa of that, please.
15. Beauty.
To put on a face mask without traumatizing your child.
16. Snacking.
Eating all the good stuff that you told your children that was too spicy or that you’ve hidden in your underwear drawer.
17. Savoring the peace and quiet.
To sit in silence.
18. Me time. ME TIME.
To have fricken me time. Oh to not be touched. To be my own master … to feel a little human for a moment. For some solitude. To just zone out before we close our eyes and have tiny little beady eyes asking if we can sleep with them. Before we become the snack b—- and the chaos starts all over again. For that tiny little bit of sanity. Because coffee exists and thank God for that.
This post was written by Laura Mazza and reprinted with permission.
