There is something about getting married that makes men very territorial about their last names. It’s a constant debate women deal with when they get engaged. Do they change to their spouse’s name, or keep their own? Finding a way to honor both your family and the family you’re marrying into is a constant struggle. One man is taking on the last name conundrum by deciding to change his name instead of asking his future wife to change hers. In his mind, it’s a way to honor his wife-to-be’s family. But his own father is having a lot of feelings about it.
The man‘s mom is seeking advice on how to handle her husband.
She wrote to Slate’s “Dear Prudence” column, explaining the situation. Her son Ken is marrying a woman named Marie, who comes from a family full of women. So there is no one to carry on her family’s last name.
“Her dad and her grandfather were rather depressed about their family name not being carried on,” the woman said, acknowledging “how dumb” the feelings are. Ken decided on his own to take Marie’s family name to “honor her family’s legacy.”
Naturally, Marie’s family is ‘elated.’ But Ken’s dad is not.
“I’ve tried explaining to him that this is Ken’s choice, plus we have two other sons,” the woman explained. “But he’s still whining about it and is even derisively referring to Ken as ‘Mr. [Fiancée’s Last Name].’”
Now, she wants to know how to get her husband to “shut his trap and be happy for our son.”
Prudence had some good advice on how to handle her husband.
The advice giver shared a simple script for the woman to use with her husband that acknowledged his feelings about his son’s choice. “You care about Ken having your last name because he’s your son and you value your connection to him, and the name feels like a symbol of that,” Prudence wrote.
But she pointed out if the man is an “a–hole” to his son and future daughter-in-law, it would be “actively chipping away” at his relationship with them. And his behavior could cause them to “pull away.” She also suggested reminding him that his son’s mind is already made up on the matter. Ultimately, he can get on board or he would be pushing his son away with “mockery and judgment.” Only the dad has the power to make that choice.
People chimed in with their own opinions about the debate.
“My sister and her husband opted to take her husband’s mom’s maiden name as their married last name,” one person wrote. “I thought it was one of the sweetest choices! Amazing what people get upset about.”
“My husband took my last name for no other reason than because I like my last name and wanted to keep it, yet we also wanted to have a family name,” another person wrote. “I wish your husband could see that he’s doing something really special for his partner and not just for/against the men in the families.”
“My last name was always more of an annoyance to me, because it had no sentimental or family value… When the time came to [change my name], it was a no-brainer,” one commenter wrote. “I have plenty of friends who would never, ever, ever do that, and would feel emasculated or would feel like they might be made fun of. But I think it’s just about being secure and having the confidence to own it.”
