For many people, especially those who grow up religious, premarital sex isn’t just frowned upon, it’s completely taboo. For people who grow up believing in purity culture, sex before marriage is unthinkable — but most people do get intimate before tying the knot. According to the CDC, around 90% of men and women have premarital sex. For people who wait until marriage, the wedding night can come with a lot of excitement and anxiety. Sometimes it’s worth the wait, and sometimes it’s not.
People who waited until marriage took to Reddit to talk about whether or not they regret it. Here’s what they had to say:
We waited to *have* sex, but not to *talk about* sex.
“We waited and have no regrets. It meant that from day one we both understood and felt that intimacy was a bodily echo of our vows. There is a tangible totality in marital intimacy, both in reciprocal giving of self and of vulnerability. And it is very fitting for it to find its full meaning within marriage.
But please do not wait until marriage to talk about sex. We were given a questionnaire by our pastor during a marital prep class, and some of those questions asked about our expectations for intimacy. Opening up that conversation was monumentally important.
Avoid like the plague a puritanical mindset. Many Christian couples end up starting out marriage with a lot of reservations and insecurities about sex, and that can be a great hindrance and even damaging to a marriage.
Marriage is precisely the right context to openly celebrate everything to do with sex and each other’s bodies. And engagement is precisely the right time to talk transparently about the meaning and role of sex within marriage.” –Shepard-Sol
We got comfortable with our desire.
“We waited, and I’m glad we did, but we were also very clear about our sexual desire for each other, and very comfortable with it. I don’t necessarily think there are objective universal benefits to such an approach. Some couples who wait work out very, very badly. What the causal relationship there is, I don’t know.” –swcollings
We kept waiting … and waiting … and waiting.
“Absolutely not. We waited to have sex, and our honeymoon had no sex, and we continued to not have sex for 5+ years. We are divorced now. I’m convinced that purity culture is profoundly toxic.” –dontkillspiders
Waiting caused a lot of damage.
“Waited till marriage. I regret it. Not because of my wife, but because of the mental/emotional/spiritual damage it did to me. Not to mention the lost time, disappointment, and many other things.
I am not saying to just throw all caution to the wind or start banging away with as many people as you can though. I just know for me personally, the damage that was done due to waiting was…. horrible.” –Cheeze_It
Our lack of experience became a problem.
“Totally regret it. Granted we got married late. But me having no clue how to have pleasurable sex became a huge problem in our marriage, me not knowing foreplay etc big problem. On a side note there is nothing ‘pure’ about not having sex your simply are not having sex.” –ehunke
We waited, but it had nothing to do with ‘purity.’
“We didn’t have intercourse until we were married. Our reasons had nothing to do with ‘purity’; we were just aware that birth control isn’t 100% reliable and we didn’t want to freak out every time her period was two days late. So we did lots of other sexual stuff. Plenty of oral sex, we had (still have!) an impressive collection of vibrators, etc. This was lots of fun and let us build trust and learn to communicate about sex in a low-pressure environment.
(There’s no way to know this for sure, but we think it’s likely that the idea of ‘purity’ that we were both raised with was a factor in her developing vaginismus, which was why we weren’t able to have intercourse for about five years after we were married.)” –wickerandscrap
We’re so glad we waited.
“We waited and we are both eternally thankful and happy that we did.” –Big_Rain4564
Waiting until marriage felt like a healthy path.
“100%! It’s that simple to me that it’s a very healthy path to take if possible. There is less baggage, potential guilt, envy than I’ve seen with others. I believe that when we have sex, there is an emotional connection formed that is deeper than just the physical contact and separation after that connection is made wounds us makes future relationships much harder. Admittedly I’m talking from a very comfortable position as a married person and there are many Christians who struggle to find a suitable partner so I realize its easier said than done, but I feel like this probably the most healthy thing I’ve done in my life.” –adski01
We were intimate, we just didn’t have sex.
“Yes. I don’t think it was make-or-break for our marriage – it was basically inevitable from the day I met her that I will orbit her forever – but it feels good that we honored one another by doing it right.
That said, we were all over each other, such that all our friends were “zomg I beg you get a room”, just didn’t have sex.” –gnurdette
