Most people enter into a marriage with the best intentions and hopes for the future. There's a belief that any issues will work themselves out and sometimes that works, and other times it doesn't. Some couples find themselves at a crossroads when goals and dreams they have for the future don’t align together anymore and that can lead to divorce. It's not anyone's fault, no one did something dramatically wrong, but it can be painful, nonetheless.
That's what happened for one man and his now ex-wife. They found themselves wanting quite different things for their future and it was ultimately the catalyst for their decision to divorce. Now, years later, his ex-wife reached out and expected something of him and he's not sure how to feel.
The confused ex-husband took to Reddit to get some advice on his situation.
Posting to the AITA community, the man started off with a bit of a backstory to set up his question. "My ex wife (33f) & I (33m) were married for almost 2 years before we divorced 6 years ago. When we were dating we talked about kids. I said I didn’t want to be father and she felt the same way," he explained.
"A year after we got married she said she started having second thoughts and decided she did want to be a mom," he recalled. "We tried to work this out but there was no going back."
"Maybe I was just desperate to save my marriage because other than that, we really had a great life together and we loved each other deeply," he said.
At the time, his wife grew more serious about her desire to have a baby.
"Then one day she told me she was going to schedule an appointment with a fertility clinic to try to have a baby via IUI since I have refused to get her pregnant and if I wanted to stay then I needed to accept that we were going to have a baby," he explained.
"This wasn’t going to work out for us. I wasn’t ready to be a dad, and she shouldn’t be deprived of being a mom so I filed for divorce. She didn’t want me to leave but it was the best thing to do."
They divorced, moved on from each other and a year later, the man said he met someone else.
"Year after the divorce I became friends with my current wife Addy," he shared. "We became really good friends and I fell hard for her. Addy was a single mom with a 2 year old daughter so I was really conflicted at first about pursuing a relationship, but we made it work."
Continuing, he said, "The two made it so easy to fall completely in love with them and after being together for 3 years, we finally got married 10 months ago."
The Redditor said when it comes to his ex-wife, he doesn't speak to her, but his family still does.
"My ex is still in contact with my siblings (which I’m fine with) and through them she learned that I not only remarried, but I was now a stepfather," he said. "My brother told me my ex wanted to talk and after checking in with my wife, we met up for coffee to catch up."
His ex-wife has a 5-year-old boy, and the two talked about him when they met up. "She showed me pictures of her now 5 year old son, Robert, and she confessed that she felt a little cheated after learning about my new family," he explained. "That according to her I clearly didn’t have much of a problem with kids and we’d probably still be together raising 'our family.'"
"I didn’t know what to say, but what I wasn’t expecting was for her to tell me I should bond with Robert since he legally would have been my son if I hadn’t divorced her," he said. "She became angry when I told her no and said I owed Robert for walking out on the marriage and he deserves to have a father too."
The man said he left early because he didn't agree with what she was saying to him.
He went home and talked to his current wife, and the two felt it was unusual for his ex-wife to ask he spend time with her son. "I have no ties to Robert and how can I be a father to a kid I don’t know? We have our own family and our own life."
The man spoke to his siblings and parents and they feel he "should step up for this kid." Adding, "They’re a bit biased though. While they adore my wife and stepdaughter, they still have a soft spot for my ex and have said she’s had a hard time as a single mom and it really would be beneficial for Robert to have a father."
He asked the Reddit community to chime in and let him know if he's the one in the wrong for not wanting to "step up."
"I get that she feels cheated, I would too, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles," one person wrote. "There’s a big difference between your wife telling you she’s doing IUI and you need to suck it up and meeting someone who is upfront about already having a child. NTA. I would honestly consider asking your family to distance themselves from her at this point, because if I was your current wife I would feel very strange."
"NTA," one person commented. "I know this is hard for people to believe, but human beings are allowed to change their minds as they are exposed to new things in life. Maybe you would’ve been more okay with a kid if you’d stayed with your ex-wife and would’ve learned to love her son as you love your stepdaughter. Or maybe you would’ve become even more staunchly anti-kid. You owe her nothing. Does it suck from her perspective yes absolutely. But something sucking doesn’t entitle you to stuff."
"NTA. Your ex-wife made a unilateral decision to become a parent," replied another. "She didn’t involve you when making Robert so she shouldn’t expect you to take part in his upbringing. Having said that, I do see why she feels cheated since she sees that you’re a stepfather and seem to have no problem with that. But, I guess it was a question of timing. You weren’t ready back then. Also, this little girl was two by the time you met her. Some people don’t like even the thought of dealing with an infant, so maybe that was part of it, too; it was easier for you to accept an older child."
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