“Did you know so-and-so are dating?” “Oh my gosh, no way!” “Oh, yeah, and so-and-so broke up, can you believe it!?”
As a mom of teens and preteens, I am privy to all the latest gossip and updates about the dating world of their friends and acquaintances. And one of the things I am always surprised by is how young the “relationships” seem to start. I admit that I have no idea what is “normal” anymore in the world of dating. Fortunately, that’s where the experts come in. If you’re a parent like me navigating the new world of teen relationships and dating, here’s what you need to know.
Most kids start 'dating' in their early teen years.
According to Kat Grassetti, LCSW, an EMDR practitioner and Clinical Director at Monima, most teens’ first relationships occur in their early or mid-teen years, typically from ages 12 to 16.Â
“Although there isn’t an age that defines ‘normal’ when it comes to starting to date, each teen will develop emotionally at his/her own rate, influenced by factors such as their family’s values and the type of social environment they have been exposed to,” says Grassetti.
First relationships are actually a developmental milestone
A child looking to date for the first time might be something that feels very big and scary to us as parents, but Jessica Meers, PhD, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and founder of Rhythm Wellness, a Houston-based psychotherapy practice, points out that parents can reframe that fear by understanding that first relationships can be an important (and very normal!) part of healthy development.Â
“Teenagers are in the middle of figuring out who they are, what matters to them, and how they connect with other people,” explains Dr. Meerss. “A first relationship becomes a real-world space to practice those skills. They’re learning how to communicate, navigate disagreements, handle disappointment, and balance closeness with independence. When parents view dating only as a potential problem, they often miss the fact that these experiences can help teens develop emotional maturity and self-awareness.”
Okay, as a parent, that makes a lot of sense. Relationships require practice, so teens are learning the skills they may need later on in life. Those skills can include things like effective communication, building trust, developing empathy, demonstrating respect, and understanding their own emotions and boundaries, adds Grassetti.
Be on the lookout for how the relationship affects their lives
If you still have concerns, Dr. Meers encourages parents to monitor how the relationship is affecting the rest of their lives. “Healthy relationships help young people maintain their friendships, hobbies, interests, and sense of self,” she points out. “A relationship becomes more concerning when it quickly turns into an all-consuming part of their identity.”
Both she and Grassetti add that red flags to watch for can include:
- A teen suddenly abandoning friends
- Losing interest in other hobbies or activities
- Relying entirely on their partner for emotional stability
- Becoming highly distressed by any amount of separation
“These patterns can develop surprisingly quickly during adolescence, which is why staying connected to your teen is so important,” she notes.Â
Lead with questions
Dating obviously comes with opening up teens for new experiences physically, an area that many parents feel they could use guidance on. Dr. Meers suggests skipping the parental lectures and instead letting your teen lead the way.Â
Instead of launching into a lecture, she suggests asking a teen, “What do you think feeling respected in a relationship looks like?”Â
“When it comes to conversations about physical boundaries, consent, and relationships in general, parents are often most effective when they focus on curiosity rather than instruction,” she explains. Starting from a question can create space for genuine discussion and help teens think through their own values.Â
Think enhance, not consume
I love Grassetti’s advice to remember that the ideal for any young relationship (and honestly, this could apply to any age) is to enhance the teenage years rather than consume it.
If you notice any controlling behaviors from a potential or current relationship partner, such as:
- Isolating the child from their peers
- Rapid changes in moods
- Decline in academic performance
- Excessive jealousy
- Excessive pressure
It may be time to intervene. “When parents feel that a relationship is affecting the child’s safety, emotional well-being, or healthy development, then they may intervene,” says Grassetti. ” It is usually most successful to have an open conversation with the child early on rather than using discipline.”
Stay curious
As you navigate dating and relationships with your preteens and teens, Dr. Meers and Grasetti both recommend approaching conversations from a place of curiosity and staying open-ended in your questions.Â
“Teens are much more likely to open up when they don’t feel every question is leading to a lesson or judgment,” says Dr. Meers. “In my experience, the strongest parent-teen communication comes from creating an environment where young people feel safe being honest, even when the conversation is uncomfortable or imperfect.”
