For a lot of new moms, there just don’t seem to be enough hours in the day. Between trying to get enough sleep when your baby is down, you’re consistently feeding them, changing their diaper, trying to figure out what will help with their gassy tummies, and so much more. Especially when you’re going through the newborn stage and everything is new to you and your partner, it can feel so good to have someone who really steps up for both you and your baby. A stressed-out and tired mom took to Reddit to ask for some advice in regards to her husband who isn’t quite there yet.
It turns out that he’s a fairly helpful partner who takes on a good chunk of the domestic duties, but he hasn’t stepped up when it comes to their 10-week-old baby. She’s looking for some advice on how to help him want to do baby-related things rather than having to always be asked.
A frustrated mom explains that her husband does a lot, but most of it doesn’t involve caring for their newborn.
This Reddit thread from a defeated mom starts out by asking how she can get her husband to do more for their baby. The mother of a 10-week-old baby girl wants to put things into context by stating that her husband is “not useless,” but she’s just wondering if other parents have run into anything similar with their partners after their baby arrived.
She explains that prior to having their baby, she just figured her husband would “get it,” but she now realizes that it wasn’t really a realistic approach. She notes that things aren’t “as instinctual” for him, and he doesn’t seem to want to do much for their baby, like diaper changes, walks, play time, without being asked.
The mom explains that “he’s helpful in his own right” in terms of cooking a lot of their meals, grocery shopping, and yard work, but she wishes to see him “step in more with basic day to day necessities” with their baby.
Is there a way to ask for this or does this father just need to step up on his own?
A lot of commenters note that there could be a primary and secondary parent dynamic at play.
Could it be as simple as there seems to be a parenting dynamic already set into motion that needs some major adjustments?
One individual in the comments wrote, “If I’m being generous, it could be that he sees you as the primary caretaker and doesn’t want to step on your toes.” The person likened it to the husband seeing his wife as “the manager” while he’s “an employee.” The commenter suggested designating shifts for each person where they are in charge of the baby care so he might be able to build up his confidence.
Another person in the comments shared that when she saw something similar happening within her marriage after their baby arrived, they decided to have “monthly check ins” where they have an open and honest dialogue about “finding resolution to be the best parents” together.
That sounds like it could be a very productive idea.
A lot of commenters completely reject the idea that mothers and fathers are just wired differently.
One notion that comes up a few times in this Reddit thread is that there’s some huge difference between mothers and fathers and how they step up to care for their families, but a lot of people disagree with this outdated idea.
“My husband was exactly the same as this, however, I totally reject the idea that men and women are intrinsically wired differently,” one Redditor wrote. “I’d choose dish duty over baby duty every time too, if I had a choice, lol.”
That’s a great point! Not all mothers feel like being attached to their babies 100% of the time.
Even though the Original Poster shared that her husband is on paternity leave, some Redditors are in disbelief that he hasn’t used it properly.
“I don’t get it when men take their paternity leave and do nothing to bond with their babies. That’s what paternity leave is for, it’s not a vacation,” wrote one commenter.
The crucial thing to think about here is if this mother wants things to change, she needs to take the steps to get there and share her feelings with her husband about how she needs him to show up for their baby.
Also, it may not hurt to start to schedule things for herself where she needs to leave the house without her baby so the dad slowly but surely gets used to all of the routine baby duties that she’s grown accustomed to taking on.
