69 Creative Ways to Have Sex With Yourself

May is Masturbation Month and in honor of it I'm going to let you all in on a little secret that I 100 percent believe to be the ultimate truth. Ready? Masturbation is the key to saving the world's problems. Oh! Yes! It is.

Masturbation relieves stress, gets out our pent-up frustrations, cures headaches and menstrual cramps, makes people happy, and can bring on labor for those who need to get the baby out. If we all had more self-love, we'd be doing more deep breaths in and slow breaths out and positively altering the air we give our plants. Heck, maybe if Osama masturbated more, he wouldn't have ended up as fish food and instead put his influence to good use to end illegal whaling and save the ecosystem like Captain Paul Watson. Lofty? Oh I know. But a girl can dream.

So in the spirit of saving the world's problems (and probably many of your own), one self-given orgasm at time, I will share with you 69 different ways to pleasure yourself. Happy masturbating!

Alone
With a friend of the same sex
With a friend of the opposite sex
In front of a mirror
While sitting over the engine in the back of the bus
During the spin cycle of your washing machine
With your hands
With a vibrator
With the back of a spoon
With only pressure on your clitoris
Anally
Vaginally
A combo of 10, 11, and 12
The minute you wake up in a groggy way
Right before you go to sleep in a lullaby way
When you wake up in the middle of the night in a comforting way
In the shower in a wet and clean way
Using the pulsating water from shower head
Using the rush of the water from the bath faucet
With your mind
Wearing a blindfold
Under the covers
Totally naked
In lingerie
While at work in an 'eff' the system kind of way
Wearing tight jeans and wiggling around in them
In a fitting room in an "oh I look good in this outfit" kind of way
In a public bathroom in a desperate way
In the back of a cab in a sexy way
After you've had some wine
After you've had some whiskey
After you've had some beer
Straddling an armchair
With your right hand
With your left hand
With both hands
With one finger
With your knuckle
With the palm of your hand
With your wrist
Using lube
Using your saliva as lube
Outside
Standing up
Lying down, facing up
Lying down, facing down
Sitting
Doggie style with your arm reaching behind you
With the lights on
With the lights off
While watching porn
While staring at a photo of your dream guy or girl
By nipple stimulation only
Loudly
Quietly
While breathing heavy
Using circular motions
By tapping your clitoris
By putting different but continuous pressure on your clitoris
Against a pillow
While getting a back massage
During a pedicure
Using the stop and go method — taking yourself to the brink of orgasm, stopping, then starting again
Having a quickie with yourself by keeping the intensity high from the start
While riding a bike
During kegels
While kissing someone
With two fingers making a "V" around your clitoris
By pressing your thighs together in a rhythmic motion