May is Masturbation Month and in honor of it I'm going to let you all in on a little secret that I 100 percent believe to be the ultimate truth. Ready? Masturbation is the key to saving the world's problems. Oh! Yes! It is.
Masturbation relieves stress, gets out our pent-up frustrations, cures headaches and menstrual cramps, makes people happy, and can bring on labor for those who need to get the baby out. If we all had more self-love, we'd be doing more deep breaths in and slow breaths out and positively altering the air we give our plants. Heck, maybe if Osama masturbated more, he wouldn't have ended up as fish food and instead put his influence to good use to end illegal whaling and save the ecosystem like Captain Paul Watson. Lofty? Oh I know. But a girl can dream.
So in the spirit of saving the world's problems (and probably many of your own), one self-given orgasm at time, I will share with you 69 different ways to pleasure yourself. Happy masturbating!
- Alone
- With a friend of the same sex
- With a friend of the opposite sex
- In front of a mirror
- While sitting over the engine in the back of the bus
- During the spin cycle of your washing machine
- With your hands
- With a vibrator
- With the back of a spoon
- With only pressure on your clitoris
- Anally
- Vaginally
- A combo of 10, 11, and 12
- The minute you wake up in a groggy way
- Right before you go to sleep in a lullaby way
- When you wake up in the middle of the night in a comforting way
- In the shower in a wet and clean way
- Using the pulsating water from shower head
- Using the rush of the water from the bath faucet
- With your mind
- Wearing a blindfold
- Under the covers
- Totally naked
- In lingerie
- While at work in an 'eff' the system kind of way
- Wearing tight jeans and wiggling around in them
- In a fitting room in an "oh I look good in this outfit" kind of way
- In a public bathroom in a desperate way
- In the back of a cab in a sexy way
- After you've had some wine
- After you've had some whiskey
- After you've had some beer
- Straddling an armchair
- With your right hand
- With your left hand
- With both hands
- With one finger
- With your knuckle
- With the palm of your hand
- With your wrist
- Using lube
- Using your saliva as lube
- Outside
- Standing up
- Lying down, facing up
- Lying down, facing down
- Sitting
- Doggie style with your arm reaching behind you
- With the lights on
- With the lights off
- While watching porn
- While staring at a photo of your dream guy or girl
- By nipple stimulation only
- Loudly
- Quietly
- While breathing heavy
- Using circular motions
- By tapping your clitoris
- By putting different but continuous pressure on your clitoris
- Against a pillow
- While getting a back massage
- During a pedicure
- Using the stop and go method — taking yourself to the brink of orgasm, stopping, then starting again
- Having a quickie with yourself by keeping the intensity high from the start
- While riding a bike
- During kegels
- While kissing someone
- With two fingers making a "V" around your clitoris
- By pressing your thighs together in a rhythmic motion
Get creative, people! There are a lot of ways to pleasure yourself, and May has just begun.
How many of these have you done? Can you add any more?
Image © Mayer George/Shutterstock
