I used to be a lady. But then I had to go and have a child, and all my ladylike behavior went out the window. It's not that motherhood makes you rude. It's just that it clarifies for you what's truly important and what are a bunch of silly, outdated rules about how women ought to behave in public. We are so over those! We're too busy keeping the little people alive and jugging 14 different things at once to give a rat's ass about — oops, I'm sorry, there goes another quarter for the swear jar.
Not that I care! Anyway, check out all these unladylike behaviors moms engage in all the time. I'm sure there are at least a few you do yourself … right?
What's your favorite form of unladylike behavior?
Image © iStock.com/Izabela Habur, © iStock.com/Yuri
Answering the Door in Pajamas
I don't know what you're doing here at this ungodly hour (7 p.m.), but this is what I was wearing, so deal with it.
Failing to Maintain a Proper Manicure
Remember that manicure I got on Mother's Day? That was awesome. And I probably won't get another one until next Mother's Day.
Letting Crackers Explode in the Bottom of a Handbag
This happens every time I pack crackers in my nice handbag. Every. Damn. Time.
Sniffling Instead of Using a Tissue
Because you need both hands to blow your nose into a tissue. And how am I supposed to do that when I've got both hands full of toys and children?
Cleaning People With Our Saliva
What? Do YOU carry around a whole bottle of stain remover? I didn't think so. It's nature's cleaning solution, and it works.
Sitting With Our Knees Wide Apart
I got 99 reasons to sit this way, and looking like a lady ain't one of them. Mama don't play that way. That's why there are jeans in the women's department.
Laughing Out LOUD
Hello, we invented LOL. Each and every one of us has earned the right to throw our heads back and laugh as loudly as we want to.
Smelling People's Butts
Well, mostly baby butts. Mostly. We're not sadistic.
Pointing and Yelling
I mean, it's kind of our job. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! GET IN HERE THIS INSTANT! GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IMMEDIATELY!
Making Underarm Farting Noises
Sorry not sorry. The kids love it. I am the funniest woman on Earth when I do underarm farts, and I am not stopping until the laughter stops.
Getting All Up in a Stranger's Face
Don't you tell me how to raise my kids! Don't tell me they're too loud! Don't tell me to leave them at home! And DO NOT touch my kid unless you're ready to say goodbye to those fingers. #MamaBear
Cursing Out Other Drivers
Don't these mother#$%ing morons know how drop-off works? You drive on the RIGHT side, you pull up to the curb, you let your kid out, and you drive the #@#% away. This is not a %^%ing coffee clatch, people. MOVE ALONG!
Wearing Food on Our Face
What's that? I have frosting all over my face? It's moisturizer, obviously. Wait — gimmie your mirror for a sec. I want to see what you're talking about …
Grabbing Our Own Boobs
Yikes, those stupid cute baby videos make me leak EVERY DAMN TIME. Curse you, emotion-triggered letdown!
Pregnancy-Related Sweating
We call it "glowing." Ignore that river of sweat running down my face. That's just a tear of joy. That's right. My forehead makes tears. Pregnancy is weird. Stop staring.
Clearance Rack Wrestling Matches
Something about a sale brings out the animal in some people — and it seems like the crappier the item, the more fierce it gets. Please explain!
Public Period Announcements
Yes, actually, I DO have my period. Why, would you like to see my tampon collection? Here it is. I'm taking one right now, as a matter of fact, because it's time for me to change mine.
Talking Through the Bathroom Door
We would rather not converse with anyone while on the toilet, but certain people insist on pestering us while we're trying to have a rare private moment.
Making Awkward Clothing Adjustments
When you get dressed in 30 seconds in the dark, you make mistakes. We don't always have time to yank out that butt floss, re-load the bra, hitch up the hose, or tug that skirt down in a private, secluded spot.
Yawning Openly
So sleepy … up all night … with the baby … excuse me …
