You loved the sex scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey. And you loved seeing them come to life on the big screen. But do you actually want to act out those scenes with your significant other? Hmm… maybe not exactly, but I think we're all curious about dipping our toes into BDSM waters, now.
And you know what? Real BDSM isn't quiiiite like it's depicted in Fifty Shades. It can actually be a whole lot less threatening and complicated — and it doesn't even have to be painful!
We talked with Cassie Fuller, A.K.A. Kinky Cassie, sex educator and founder of A Touch of Flavor, which offers online courses on kink, for some tips.
As in so many other aspects of life, BDSM should be more about the journey than the destination. Fuller notes that in Fifty Shades of Grey, BDSM techniques are used briefly as a prelude to intercourse. In real life, BDSM techniques are drawn out much longer, and they're often the main event. Sometimes there's no sex at all! What's more, BDSM is not all about pain. It's about sensation — playing with your senses, all of them.
So here's a few VERY approachable, non-threatening beginner BDSM techniques Fuller recommends.
1. Rope play. If you start by tying up your partner just to have restrained sex, you're jumping way ahead in the game. Slow down and begin by gently caressing your partner with the rope, maybe massaging each other with it. Then one of you wraps the other with the rope gradually, kissing and touching each other as you go. "You're making out with your partner with the rope," Fuller explains. "It should be a time consuming thing, and a bond between you."
Undoing the rope is just as much a part of the experience as wrapping is. "Slowly unwrap the rope," Fuller says. It will probably leave indentations in the skin. "It feels really good when someone rubs that, or kisses it or licks it." You can even gently scratch the marks or rub ice on them.
2. Flogging. Don't just start whacking your partner! "Just like before sports activities you have to warm up, any kind of impact play needs a warm up," Fuller says. Start by massaging the body parts you plan on swatting. Then, when you do start using the flogger, start with light taps and work your way up to harder strokes.
Here's the surprising thing about flogging: "It's like a back massage," according to Fuller. And you don't just hit. In addition to the hand rubbing, you can also rub the handle of the flogger up and down your partner's body. Explore a whole range of physical sensations.
3. Spoons. Another fun way to play with physical sensation is to use spoons. Put a couple in the freezer, and run a couple others under very warm water. Then alternate rubbing each over your partner's body, so they experience the chill and the warmth. Use the smooth backside and the sharper, front side of the spoons.
Fuller says spoons feel especially good along the neck, ears, wrist, and the back of arms. You can even surprise your partner by blindfolding him first so he doesn't know what's touching him. Side benefit: If you happen to accidentally leave these "sex toys" out, your kids won't find anything weird about them.
From there you can experiment with putting other things in the freezer to play with. (Cold play — haha, get it? Never mind.)
4. Bath scrubbers. Even bath scrubbers can be used for sex play. Try running it down your partner's back, and then tapping them with it.
"It should be a nice sensation," Fuller says. "It's not hard — it feels really gentle."
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5. Ben Wa balls. Can they really do that, bring you to climax just by wearing them, as Anastasia does? Not very likely, Fuller says. But they do help you lubricate more. And if you use a vibrator to stimulate your clitoris while holding the balls inside your vagina you can give yourself a pretty powerful orgasm. Basically, the external vibration causes the balls inside to vibrate, forcing you do to Kegels and amplifying the whole sensation. Yee haw!
This is something you could do on your own, or with a partner.
Keep in mind, with BDSM it's about giving your partner an experience, sharing an experience together. Being restrained or dominated isn't an end in itself. Ultimately it's about bonding with your partner and building trust.
As for Christian and Anastasia, Fuller has written that there are some very troubling aspects to their relationship that are definitely NOT part of BDSM sex — like the stalking and emotional abuse.
The bottom (tee hee!) line is that through these little experiments you learn what turns you on. "If you like being tied up with a scarf, you might like being tied up with a rope, so that gives you a reference point for more exploration," Fuller says. "Going from nothing to flogging is a big jump. Being tied up with a t-shirt, that's not such a big jump."
Does this change your perception of what BDSM is all about?
Image © Jamen Percy/Shutterstock and © Denisa Doudova/Shutterstock
