At a recent girls' night out with friends, the wine was flowing and the conversation eventually turned, like it so often does, to sex. We covered the usual topics — how much sex we are or aren't having, how to make time for sex when you have kids, and for my very pregnant friend, the mechanics of third-trimester frisky time.
But we also talked about what it takes to feel sexy and sexually empowered. For too many of us, sex is something that has been complicated and a source of shame or disappointment. Whether it was growing up and hearing that nice girls don't want sex or dealing with inconsiderate partners or body shame, sometimes we face roadblocks to feeling like we own our sexuality.
Our feelings about sex can evolve though, so read on for the sweet, sexy, and sometimes surprising moments when these 13 women (who asked that I use their initials only) felt their most sexually empowered. I love you, #7!
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Comfortable in My Own Skin
"I grew up always feeling like I wasn't conventionally pretty. It led to pretty low self-esteem and so, to compensate, I basically was willing to have sex with any guy who looked my way. But I always felt gross about it.
Once I got into my 20s, I started embracing a new look. I got tattoos and pierced and chopped off my hair. Now I think I look amazing and am so much more comfortable in my own skin. Now I choose when/where/who I want to sleep with, not the other way around." — N.P.
Honeymoon Night
"I felt most sexually empowered on my wedding night. We had both waited to have sex until marriage, so, uh, let's just say we had a LOT of sexual everything to discover. We hardly got any sleep. It was everything I expected and more. And we were so comfortable with each other that we were super open about what worked/didn't work, etc. It was really fun to discover it all together. I just wish I still had that kind of drive! He's lucky if he gets it more than a couple times a month now (10 years later)." — M.O.
Safety First
"I'm kind of ashamed to admit this, but I used to be so shy about sex stuff that I was too embarrassed to ask a partner to wear a condom. I always hoped he'd just do it automatically, and if he didn't — well, I just prayed a lot afterwards. After a pregnancy scare, I decided that I needed to be empowered to keep myself safe and not knocked up, so I started carrying a condom and making sure my partner knew it was a deal breaker to not use it. Now I'm married and trying to get pregnant again, so no more condoms, but I'm still proud of myself for getting more responsible back in the day." — V.N.
Curious No More
"I've always been curious about what it would be like to be with a woman, but since I'm married (happily!), I always assumed I would just have to wonder. But after my husband and I talked and talked and talked about it, we agreed that I could explore that feeling. I ended up having a brief relationship with another married woman (with both husbands informed but not involved), and it really taught me a lot about who I am sexually and what I like." — F.R.
Sex After Babies
"In the last month, several times with my husband, I've felt really empowered. Starting to exercise again after a five-year hiatus has helped boost my confidence post three pregnancies and two babies. Even though I don't see changes in my body quite yet, I FEEL stronger and more confident. Especially in bed. And we're working hard at reclaiming our relationship in the midst of raising two young kids, which makes intimacy all the better lately." — A.L.
A Little Less Vanilla
"My husband and I have always had a nice sex life, but it was pretty vanilla. After 10 years of doing it, it had gotten pretty routine. I feel sort of cheesy admitting this, but I read Fifty Shades and got kind of, um, inspired. We decided to add a little kink to our live with some mild bondage and — HELLO — total turn-on. Now I pull out the handcuffs and feel hella sexy." — A.S.
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Mic Drop
"I had started dating a guy and thought it was going okay, until mid–making out he told me that he doesn't believe in performing oral sex on women. I got up, said, 'Welp, this isn't gonna work out,' walked out the door, and never looked back.
I felt very Samantha à la Sex and the City. It felt like a badass mic drop." — L.D.
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When I Said No
"After some wild-child years, I decide to take a break from having sex. For a whole YEAR! About nine months into it, I met this guy who was crazy hot and very into me. We started fooling around and I wanted to go for it, but I also wanted to keep my promise to myself. I walked away without having sex that night, and that, weirdly, made me feel more empowered. I could fool around, enjoy it, and still respect myself the next day." — H.H.
What Happens in Paris ...
"Junior year of college, study abroad trip in France, hot guy on the train to Paris, empty train car. And that's all I'm gonna say about that!" — S.F.
Self-Service
"After my divorce, I went through months of being celibate. I was raised that 'good girls don't touch themselves,' and I never masturbated. And then a good friend bought me a vibrator and told me it was 'Bob, your Battery-Operated Boyfriend.'
After months of staring at it in my dresser drawer, I finally tried it one night. WOW. I did not know what I was missing. And now I'm getting off regularly and shaking off my 'good girl' shame." — P.O.
20??!
"I've been blessed with feeling sexually empowered a few times so I'm having a hard time picking just once. But I'd have to say the first time my husband and I had sex I had 20 orgasms. Outside. On a picnic table, camping. I swear. Oddly I feel strange sharing that because I feel like some may not believe me. But I swear. Seriously. I stopped counting around 12 and later on felt foolish mentioning the count to him and he was like 'OH MY GOD I was counting too!'
So 20 is a rough estimate! And yes, we both thought it was crazy.
Years later he still jokes about how that night set him up for a lifetime of failure! It's impossible to reach that again! I joke it's the reason I married him! There was just too much excitement that first night it can't be recreated! But I'm soooo thankful it occurred!" — A.S.
Pregnancy Sex
"Maybe I'm weird, but I felt SO SEXY and on my game when I was pregnant. Maybe it was the relief of not feeling the pressure to get pregnant any more, maybe it was loving my big boobs and new curves, I don't know. But I had some absolutely mind-blowing sex while pregnant. I actually miss it!" — M.H.
No Guilt
"I grew up in a SUPER conservative, religious home. Sex was rarely talked about and when it was, I was just told, 'Don't do it until you are married and ready for a baby,' which was hard to process when the teenage hormones hit and I felt like a freak for wanting to have sex. I had a lot of shame about having desire and liking making out, even when I was still a virgin. And then I met my husband and fell in love, and we decided not to wait until marriage. I expected to feel really guilty about that, but I didn't. I realized that sex when you are in love is a beautiful thing and having desire for the one you love is a GOOD thing!" — J.J.
