A wise woman once said, "Nothing says 'Let's stay in love for all eternity' like an aquarium!" Wait, nobody has ever said that. And yet, as my friend Juli could tell us, sometimes when we hope for a great big chocolate heart from our sweeties on Valentine's Day, we get an oversized house for fish instead. Yep, as sad as this sounds, it's a true story and there are many similarly sad ones just like it.
Not all of us are the Kim Kardashian type, thus requiring the gifting of a 20-carat diamond ring worth a cool $10 million or so. Nope, not even close. Give most of us a nice card (yes, with actual handwriting inside!) and a small gift of one of our favorite things, and we're happy. It's really not that hard. It really is the thought that counts! And well, if that thought is a pair of tweezers — even the "expensive" kind — we're bound to feel a little sad about it.
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Some bad Valentine's Day gifts might be a sign that a relationship is probably doomed (hello, No. 7!), but others are just a sign that even really good guys can give really bad gifts. So, sit back, grab a heart-shaped box of chocolate, and enjoy these hilarious stories of gifts of love that totally missed the mark.
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The Cost of Love
"I am VERY frugal, and I am not big on spending money on things that don't last. For me, flowers are in that category. I've always said that I don't want flowers on Valentine's Day because something that is already a waste of money is a BIGGER waste of money on that day.
A few years ago, I was living with a guy and things were kind of rocky, but we were working on it. He made a big effort on Valentine's Day and did the whole shebang: chocolate, card, and — yep — 12 long stem roses delivered to my office. I felt like it was a total sign that he didn't get me.
We ended up breaking up a few days later. The kicker is that the next month I discovered that he used MY credit card to pay for the flowers. Jackass." — Heidi H., Des Moines, Iowa
So Sweet?
"When I was 14, my first boyfriend was a sweet redhead named Ian. For Valentine's Day, he gave me a teddy bear and a homemade card. Inside the card he wrote a note that said, 'You are so sweat.' Sweat. So sweat. Fifteen years later, he is still a sweet redhead, and he still can't spell." — Mary Jo D., Akron, Ohio
No Picnic
"His great idea was to have a picnic. Outside. In February. In Minnesota. What did he bring? KFC and a thermos of Coke. Seriously. What the what, dude?" — Billie M., Saint Paul, Minnesota
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Edible What?
"One year, in my early dumb 20s, I made a homemade meal and heart-shaped cheesecake for my boyfriend. After hours of waiting for him to show up, I finally called him to find out he was 'super tired from work and can't make it.' A fter laying it out for him, he finally showed up. He had stopped at the store on the way over and picked up my gift — edible body paint (with the price tag still on)! What the hell? I would have been better off being by myself with the cheesecake." — Tracy F., Saint Paul, Minnesota
Zip, Nada, Nothing
"I think you actually have to get SOMETHING to have a bad gift, right? I love my partner but he refuses on principle to buy Valentine's gifts. Twelve years in, and I've never even gotten a card." — Mariah J., Tucson, Arizona
Public Love
"My boyfriend at the time sent me a singing quartet to my job at Walmart. All my coworkers told me what a keeper I had and that we should get married. I was so freaking embarrassed, because I HATE attention-grabbing things with a passion. It was the worst, worst, worst. We broke up shortly after that." — Molly B., Saint Paul, Minnesota
No Thank You
"My college boyfriend gave me a coupon for a threesome with him and his roommate. Um, thanks? We'd never talked about doing that and I'd NEVER expressed an interest in one. I told him I wouldn't be cashing in that coupon — EVER. P.S.? He and his roommate got married last summer. I was invited to the wedding." — Lauren H., Ann Arbor, Michigan
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Size Matters
"Dudes: Here is a helpful hint. If you are going to give your wife lingerie, you'd BETTER make sure they are the right size. A bra two sizes too big and a pair of underwear three sizes too small sends a very distressing message." — Ericka S., San Diego, California
Un-Bearable
"Last year, my husband gave me a giant teddy bear. The thing is bigger than I am. I burst out laughing when I saw it, because I couldn't help but wonder why he thought I'd like that. What 36-year-old woman would? The kids were thrilled though." — Gayle K., Chicago, Illinois
Gas Station Flowers
"After five years of gas station flowers, I finally told my husband to stop getting me gifts on Valentine's Day. There is nothing sadder than gas station carnations." — Jackie F., Las Vegas, Nevada
Gee, Thanks?
"My high school boyfriend was a year younger than me. My freshman year of college, his mom and my mom picked me up from college and drove me to Lincoln, Nebraska, for his junior hockey game. His mom gave me the gift from him to open in the car on the way. It was tweezers and a bag of jelly beans. Dude, not even the right holiday, but he thought the tweezers would be appreciated. You may be surprised to know that he is divorced." — Emily J., Saint Paul, Minnesota
