Depending on what gets people turned on, sex may be hotter when they run the risk of getting caught. But waking a toddler with moans of pleasure is pretty much the last thing any parent wants. Once we have kids, everyday sex (aka, the kind we have at home on a rando Wednesday night vs. at a hotel suite on our anniversary while the in-laws watch the LOs) is a delicate balancing act between rocking our partner's world … and attempting to make as little noise as humanly possible.
Fortunately, there are ways to not only make the best of that, but to use it to an advantage — to make sex even hotter.
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Though planning time to get down to business can be hard no matter what the circumstances are, we can say without a doubt that kids makes things 10 times harder. But figuring out a way to keep things interesting in the bedroom should be fun, not a chore.
Don't worry — we've got it covered. We spoke with sex therapists to get the best tricks and tips on how to get things poppin' while keeping it quiet for the kiddies. It can be done!
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Here, 11 tips from sex therapists on making the most out of having to muffle our moans. Read on and let us know which tips and tricks can make for amazing, quiet sex.
Practice mindfulness.
Trying to be quiet automatically makes you more mindful of what you're doing, and the benefit of this is that you may actually be more present and deliberate in the actions of giving and receiving pleasure. "Basic mindfulness tools include breathing and engaging your senses during sex," notes Shannon Chavez, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist based in Los Angeles, California.
Shift the energy to a more sensual place.
When you're tag-teaming to clean up the kids' mac 'n' cheese dinner, do bath duty, and read bedtime stories, it may be tough to flip a switch and suddenly be in the mood for sensual, mindful, albeit quiet sex. "Take a bath or shower together as a way to transition from mom and dad to lovers," advises Christina Stein, PhD, LMFT, a sex therapist in Santa Monica, California. "[The relaxing experience] will alleviate some of the stress from the day, making it easier to be mindful and present for lovemaking." You might also decide to have sex in the shower, which offers a double benefit: You get some privacy and the shower sounds disguise the sounds of pleasure, Chavez notes.
Switch up your location.
The shower isn't the only space that offers built-in privacy and soundproofing. Chavez also likes the laundry room. "It is discreet, has the extra noise of the washer and dryer to muffle sound, and [has] lots of objects to incorporate, including that fresh pile of clean laundry that may get just a little dirty again,” she says. Hot.
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Go slow.
Sure, if you're having sex at night, you may be tired, stressed, just wanting to get to bed, so you can get up and do it all over again tomorrow. But do yourselves a favor, and right off the bat, set the precedent that you're not going to rush. You're going to take your time, build anticipation, and actually engage in some foreplay — which, of course, is proven to bolster female pleasure overall. "Going slow allows you to attune to sensations and not the mechanics of sex," Chavez says. "Focus on the sensations and not the orgasm. Every inch of your body should respond to different types of touch and produce different sensations."
Invest in a blindfold.
Trying to be quiet automatically makes you more mindful of what you're doing, and the benefit of this is that you may actually be more present and deliberate in your actions. But the biggest hijacker of mindfulness is getting stuck in your head and overthinking or getting distracted, explains Christina Stein, PhD, LMFT, a sex therapist in Santa Monica, California. Her solution? A blindfold. "A blindfold is great because it's easy, but it also forces you to 'feel' what's going on versus judging it or trying to figure out what the other person is thinking," she explains.
Lean on deep breathing.
It sounds overly simplistic, but breathing can be a satisfying substitute for moaning. "Try breathing together," Chavez advises. Being in sync in this way can make the moment even hotter.
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Try a different position or space.
"Positions that are closer in proximity and have less vigorous movement are going to be less noisy and probably less distracting," Chavez explains. She recommends parents consider getting it on off the bed, which can create extra noise with squeaking and movement of the bed frame. "Try standing positions," she recommends. "Or lay some blankets down on the floor and some comfortable pillows — create an adult version of a fort — and you'll have a space that is noise-free and different."
Kiss instead of moan.
"Kissing is also a great way to exchange signs of pleasure in the moment and stay connected with a partner," Chavez notes. When you feel like you may need to get vocal, she advises nibbling or biting your partner lightly on the skin instead.
Play a game.
Basically, whoever makes noise "loses," Stein says. And the stakes of "losing" can be whatever you and your partner choose. Ultimately, though, it's a win-win because the game forces you to be more present and enjoy the sensual aspect of lovemaking, Stein explains. Of course, it doesn't hurt to keep a pillow nearby to muffle whoever does "lose."
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Try dirty talk (quietly, of course).
Not only may you feel a bit more inclined to share your wild desires in a whisper vs. full volume speech, but whispering what you want in your partner's ear or while maintaining eye contact can be a major turn-on in and of itself. "Dirty talk actually increases our sexual arousal by activating areas of the brain that trigger reward and motivation," Chavez notes. "It also allows us to feel more comfortable sharing our sexual interests and desires with a partner. Give yourself permission to express your sexuality in any way you want. There is no right or wrong when it comes to dirty talk!"
Maintain eye contact.
It's tougher than it sounds, and it adds a level of intimacy that can crank up the intensity in a way that rivals moaning. "Eye contact has an amazing way of tapping into a vulnerable place inside ourselves, and there is something beautifully intense about being seen and connecting with another person through their eyes," Stein explains. "It creates a deeper energetic exchange with your partner."
Chavez agrees. "A few minutes of eye contact with your partner not only makes you feel more connected, but it can regulate your nervous system and relax your body enough to release tension and improve your arousal response," she explains. "Eye contact is also the best form of foreplay." She recommends spending at least five minutes making eye contact, breathing together, and letting go of distractions and tensions before your romp between the sheets.
Put those pillows to work.
"Incorporate a pillow into your positions and use it to buffer sounds," Stein advises. When you feel like you just can't take it anymore, having to reach for the pillow to muffle your moan may actually add a bit of drama to the moment.
