Ladies, we all know that in order to serve our partners well, submission into stereotypical gender norms is essential. Our one and only purpose is to make our man's life better, and in turn we must infantilize him by insisting that he cannot cook, clean, or fend for himself.
But that can only happen if we follow the rules of being a wife.
To help you make sure that you stay in your lane and be a good little bride, here are 10 totally not sarcastic things* every wife must do in order to please her man.
*We are clearly being very, very sarcastic.
1. You MUST do all the cooking and cleaning.
I mean, it's not like your partner is a fully evolved human — clearly he can't handle it.
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2. Only YOU can take care of the baby.
Men are too manly to care for their own children. C'mon now.
3. You must always look conventionally sexy.
After all, you can't be lounging around in the house you help pay for comfortably, right?
4. Never let him see you without makeup ... or with too much.
If he sees you in a natural state, he may divorce you! *gasps*
If he thinks you wear too much, you won't be natural enough for him and he may divorce you! *gasps*
It's a delicate balance.
5. Don't eat a lot in front of him.
He may then know you are an average human who needs to eat in order to live, and we can't let him think that now can we?
6. You have stay in shape at all times.
Even if you just had a kid, or got sick, or your body simply didn't defy the laws of nature and aged — you better figure it out. No excuses.
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7. Make sure you ask how his day is and don't talk too much about yours.
His day was obviously harder and more important, so make sure you properly acknowledge that.
8. Put him first, always.
Before your career, your desires, your kids — everything. Marriages aren't partnerships with give-and-take; they are all about making sure one person is wholly satisfied at all times.
Otherwise you're just selfish.
9. Let him make all the decisions.
No one likes a "bossy" lady…
10. Suck. It. Up.
Never express yourself or you emotions. You'll come off as naggy, and naggy wives get left behind.
Clearly, you should actually follow none of this advice.
Being a "good" wife doesn't mean you're Susie Homemaker — it means you're an equal and supportive partner.
Marriages work when there is a true partnership, full of give, take, and empathy. Anything you choose to do for your partner should be because you want to. Both of you deserve to be respected, valued, and listened to.
