We all grow up wanting to have the wedding day of our dreams. Not many would go as far as one woman did, however, after she disinvited her own sister from her wedding over an unfortunate accident. As the sister explained in a letter to Slate's Dear Prudence advice column, she got the boot after breaking her arm and being unable to play the violin on the big day. And that's not all: The bride then demanded she pay for a replacement musician!
The letter writer claims to have broken her arm two weeks before the wedding after going out for a run near her sister's house.
In addition to playing the violin at her sister's wedding ceremony, her boyfriend was set to play the piano. But when the letter writer called her sister to ask her to take her to the ER, it seemed her main concern was "how this would affect the wedding," the letter writer recalled.
"She scolded me for being so careless," the woman continued. "I was in a lot of pain and started crying."
The woman later vented to her boyfriend, but her story ticked him off even more than it did her.
"He got really angry with my sister," she wrote. "I begged him to let it go."
But her sister was only getting started.
"The next day, my sister texted me that I needed to find and pay for another violinist, since her budget was blown and this was my fault," she said.
This only plunged the letter writer into more tears, making matters even worse. This time her boyfriend wouldn't be talked down.
"He swore, called my sister, and quit [the wedding] on the spot," the woman continued. "I begged him not to, but he told me he wasn’t going to stand by and let her treat me like trash."
The woman's sister was furious at his refusal to perform and banned both of them from attending the nuptials. The woman admitted that she snuck into the ceremony and sat in the back with her parents. She didn't stay for the reception, but did note that her sister had to use "a phone and speaker for the music" during the ceremony.
After the dust settled, her sister did offer an apology -- of sorts.
"When my sister got back from her honeymoon, she sent me an apology text, but she also wants one from my boyfriend for leaving her 'high and dry,'" the woman explained.
Her boyfriend refuses to give one.
"He tells me he will be polite to her face as long as she doesn’t provoke him," the letter writer continued. "I just want this to be over. I know my sister is in the wrong, but can’t my boyfriend just say he is sorry? I feel so stuck."
Angry commenters told the letter writer that she needed to kick her sister to the curb -- STAT.
"Disinvite Sister Dearest from your life: block your cell, email, Twitter account, and skip snail-mailing, Xmas and B-day cards," one commenter advised. "Give your boyfriend a big hug and treat him to his favorite restaurant, or, when your arm is fully healed, home cooked dinner."
Someone else said that the LW needed to appreciate her boyfriend a little more, too.
"Buy your boyfriend some flowers, apologize profusely, and tell him that you love him and are so grateful that he has your back," the person advised. "Tell your sister to grow up and handle problems like an adult. Don't talk to her anymore than necessary for a year (my preference would be not at all, but not everyone can do that)."
Another person wrote that the woman's sister "sounds like a spoiled brat!"
"Your boyfriend is a gem," the person explained. "He stood up for you! He has nothing to apologize for. Maybe if people wouldn't keep giving in whenever sis throws a tantrum when things don't go her way she'll start to change."
Many people told her that she was allowing herself to be walked all over.
"Ahhh the problems of the conflict-avoident," one commenter wrote. "You know someone was a jerk, but you just want it all to go away."
"LW — evaluate your relationship with your sister and your desire to please her/give in to her," another person advised. "Either accept your BF's position or commit to being your sister's stepping stone, even at the cost of others important to you. "
"By you asking your boyfriend to apologize, you're in effect turning him into you. A doormat," a third person added. "Seems like your sister got you all trained."
Columnist Daniel Mallory Ortberg agreed -- the LW needs to put her foot down.
In his response, Ortberg told the letter writer that "you shouldn’t ask your boyfriend to apologize for standing up for you just because your sister is habitually unreasonable."
"Start by refusing to have any more conversations about this over text," he continued. "Disinviting your own sister from your wedding because she fractured her arm is a capricious, heartless thing to do, and sending an 'I’m sorry' text a few weeks after the fact does little to mend the damage she caused."
Ortberg agreed that if the writer's boyfriend apologizes, he'd be giving her sister permission to keep throwing tantrums.
"I don’t think this will be 'over' if your boyfriend were to apologize to her," he wrote. "It would likely encourage her worst impulses, and she’d continue to abuse and take advantage of you both as much as possible.
"I wish I could promise you that if you’re honest and compassionate with your sister — if you explain to your sister in person just how much she hurt you, how hard it was to be in both physical pain from an accident you couldn’t possibly have foreseen and then disinvited from her wedding — she’d apologize on the spot and commit to a new way of living," he continued. "But if any kind of meaningful change is possible on her part, and meaningful reconciliation achievable for the two of you, she needs to be able to acknowledge that it’s wrong to try to punish people for getting hurt in accidents and commit to treating you with basic kindness and respect."
