I already know. This is the kind of topic that a lot of people — and by people, I mean women – prefer to avoid. Yet the reality is that when it comes to cheating, I don’t care how much the media may state otherwise, it’s not only men who do it. In fact, I’ll go even further than that and say not only do women cheat, but actually, it doesn’t happen as much, with men or women, as movies and social media (both of which seem to be quite obsessed about infidelity) would have you to think.
I can prove both points with one statistic. Did you know that reportedly, 20% of married men have cheated in their relationship and — peep this — 13% of married women have? This reveals that the ever-so-popular “all men cheat” mantra is not only toxic but dead wrong. It also proves that it’s a relatively small percentage of folks who deal with the issue, as opposed to those who don’t. And, it shows that quite a few women are out here being the opposite of what it means to be faithful — and the definitions of that word are quite vast.
Faithful: true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.; steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant; reliable, trusted, or believed; strict or thorough in the performance of duty; adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate
Yeah, it definitely should go on the record that there are a WHOLE LOT OF WAYS to cheat in a marriage beyond there being a lack of fidelity in the bedroom. Hmph. Perhaps if more people acknowledged this fact, they’d be a lot more humble, empathetic, and compassionate within their relationship. For now, though, we’ll stick to the traditional definitions of infidelity — meaning sexual as well as emotional cheating — and the top reasons for why wives tend to do it.
A Lack of Validation or Appreciation
Although this might trigger a few people (and I completely understand if it does), something that I’m not big on in relationships is a constant need for reassurance. To me, that speaks of there being some deep-rooted insecurities or voids because it really isn’t another person’s job or responsibility to constantly make you feel better about yourself. That’s like expecting them to always make you happy (happiness is an emotion and emotions change constantly, by the way) and it’s pretty unrealistic (not to mention totally unfair) to require someone to put more work into building you up than you are even willing to do for yourself. So no, I don’t support someone thinking that being loved means that they should be complimented every five minutes or told that they are the best thing in the world all of the time.
What I do think is important, though, is feeling validated and appreciated. At the end of the day, validation is all about making sure that someone feels heard and understood while appreciation is making sure they know that you recognize the good things that they do and you are grateful for them (in marriage, this should be a reciprocated practice).
The challenge in marriages is there are so many moving parts in the day-to-day of life that it can be easy to not validate or appreciate one’s partner as much as one should — and that can cause individuals to feel ignored and/or taken for granted. When that happens, anyone who comes along who is intentional about validating and appreciating can “scratch the itch” — and based on how the person on the receiving end is feeling at the time, that can feel pretty good. It can also tempt them to give the source of their good feelings more attention than they ever should receive.
How to Avoid This Issue:
A part of the reason why couples need go on a date at least once a month and make sure that they don’t fall into the trap of a sexless marriage (which would be sex than transpires less than 10 to 15 times a year) is so they can make the time to hone in on each other and make each other feel special. Believe it or not, quality time and intimacy are two of the most effective ways to feel validated and appreciated in a relationship because, when a couple “gets off of the grid” and is intentional about focusing only on each other, they feel prioritized.
As a husband-friend of almost 30 years tells me often, “You’re not hungry when you’re full.” In other words, you’re not really out here looking for someone else to make you feel important and special when your partner already has that covered. Right?
Unresolved Childhood Issues
I’ll be saying it for the rest of my life — adulthood is surviving childhood. I wish that wasn’t the case for so many of us, but indeed it is our reality. And when it comes to cheating, sadly, a lot of us do what’s familiar far more than what is right.
I personally saw quite a bit of infidelity (both physical and emotional) while growing up — and it wasn’t just from one parent either. Because I spend a lot of time studying the psyche of people, I get that a part of the reason why the people who raised me cheated is because they grew up watching their own parents do it.
So, if you’re considering cheating, you’re already falling down the slippery slope of emotional infidelity (giving more of your time, energy and heart to someone other than who you actually vowed to) or you’re currently in a full-blown physical affair — take a moment to ponder if it feels relatively easy to do because you’re actually pretty used to seeing it … because your childhood was comprised of it. The answer just might surprise you.
Case in point: I’ve never been married before, but back in the day, I “helped” a few guys cheat on their girlfriends. Even though a part of me knew better, it was something that I was used to because it was something that I saw … far more than I ever should have.
How to Avoid This Issue:
If this point is actually a bit of an a-ha moment for you – although all of these reasons may require speaking with a reputable therapist, counselor, or life coach – DEFINITELY do so if you need to unpack childhood-related stuff.
Hmph. All of this reminds me of a Lifetime movie that I once watched — Love Sick — Secrets of a Sex Addict. The wife was a serial cheater in her marriage and some childhood trauma was connected to why. A therapist helped her to see it.
Another reason why seeing a professional can be helpful? If your past plays a part, a therapist can offer some tips on how to discuss all of this with your partner. A therapist might even recommend bringing them in for a couple of sessions so that your spouse can see that you’re “not just doing it” — that there are some serious underlying issues going on.
You typically can’t fix childhood challenges alone. See someone — for the sake of your marriage and your overall mental and emotional health and well-being.
Poor Relational Communication
One of the main reasons why a lot of married couples end up breaking up is because they don’t communicate well in their relationship. This almost always spills over into the bedroom. In fact, I’m a firm believer that the bedroom reveals a lot about how well or poorly two people engage one another outside of it because, even if the mechanics of sex are “fine,” there is still an emotional disconnect when you’re not listening and/or not feeling heard.
This is how and why a lot of women can find themselves getting caught up with a co-worker who listens to all of their complaints during lunch or a man in their DMs who asks about things that their husband hasn’t inquired about since their early dating days. And as I once heard someone say on television, “If they can get your heart, it’s not long before they’ll be able to get your parts.”
So, what are some clear signs that you and your spouse are really struggling in the communication department? One or both of you are:
• Hypercritical
• Always on the defensive
• Dismissive of each other’s feelings
• Passive aggressive
• Disrespectful in tone and/or body language
• Super sarcastic and cynical
• Constantly making presumptions instead of simply asking
• Bad at compromising
• Cutting each other off (which is rude)
• Bitter and resentful
BONUS: You and your partner use makeup sex to avoid having hard or necessary discussions.
Who feels close to someone when all of this chaos is going on? Exactly. If your partner is doing a lot of this stuff and someone else is doing the opposite, of course it leaves a crack in your marriage’s foundation and of course it’s easier for someone else to get into a space that they haven’t earned.
How to Avoid This Issue:
Some friends of mine survived some cheating that the husband did a few years back. They are heroes to me because they were actually both virgins when they got married, so I’m sure that the affairs that he had were even more of a blow. When I asked the wife how she was able to get through it all, she said, “He’s my best friend. So, the first thing I wanted to know was, ‘What’s going on with my friend that he’s so out of character in this way?’”
To a lot of people, this is a foreign concept because the reality is their spouse isn’t their best friend. Shoot, they weren’t even really friends while they were dating — they were any and everything but. I say that because, although no two people are perfect and even friendships have disagreements, when you really love and respect someone, you don’t want there to be a disconnect — you want to be able to communicate in a way where you both feel safe and secure. True friends feel this way about each other. A lot of spouses don’t because they’re not friends at all. And it’s hard to work through anything with someone you’re not friends with.
So, if poor communication is the issue and you can see what is causing the breakdown via the list, it’s time to have a “family meeting” with your spouse to discuss what’s going on. Listen to them and require that they listen to you. Make a pact to try and not be sensitive to each other’s comments and/or critiques.
Remember, the goal here is to (re)connect with your partner, so that they are who you want to share your life (including your feelings) with more than anyone else. That can’t happen until the lines of communication are open and honest … both ways.
Loneliness. In Every Room of the House.
A happily married wife of almost 20 years once said to me, “The loneliest night single beats a bad marriage any day.” There’s a lot of wisdom in those words. However, in my opinion, what isn’t discussed nearly enough, is the number of wives who are married and feel lonelier than those single women that she speaks of. How can you tell if loneliness is something that you struggle with?
• Do you binge-watch a lot of television?
• Can you easily spend hours on social media?
• Do you feel tired a lot of the time?
• Are you emotionally eating all of a sudden?
• Has your confidence level taken a dive?
These are some telltale signs and no, they should not be ignored.
You know, loneliness can be a complicated issue because although you and your spouse did sign up to make each other a very top priority, at the same time, if you were looking for your partner to fill all of your voids, they are going to disappoint you often because that simply is not their role or responsibility. Sadly, a lot of people miss this point because they didn’t have realistic expectations about marriage before saying “I do.”
A dictionary definition of lonely is “destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.” This is super important to keep in mind because it reminds you of what you should expect out of your partner — for them to be sympathetic and friendly. For there to be physical intimacy on a consistent basis (a lot of husbands are lonely because this isn’t the case; let’s be real). For you to feel supported.
When this isn’t happening, it can be easy to cheat because … who likes feeling lonely?
How to Avoid This Issue:
As a marriage life coach, I can’t tell you how many sessions I’ve sat in and a wife has said, “Well, he should have known” when it comes to their husband hearing something that caught him off guard while she’s getting some things off of her chest. I’ve got a friend who brings up an awesome point about the word “should” — there is a lot of ego and presumption attached to it because it means that you expect someone to think and even be like you are.
She’s right. If you haven’t told your spouse what your current needs are (because needs can and oftentimes do shift), if you haven’t told your partner that you don’t feel supported, if you don’t tell your partner that the intimacy that the two of you are experiencing (or not experiencing) is cultivating some mental, emotional, and/or relational distance from your perspective — there’s no time like the present to share.
Sometimes one person can feel extremely lonely in a relationship while the other is doing just fine in that department because one is getting what they need while the other isn’t. My point? Expecting your spouse to pick up your loneliness cues isn’t fair — share that you feel that way. In a healthy marriage, they will rise to the occasion … so that someone else doesn’t have to.
Deflecting Away From the Definitions of Cheating
One of the reasons why a lot of women cheat is because — and I’m just gonna put it right on out there — many like to “move the goalpost” when it comes to what the definition of cheating actually is. To them, so long as intercourse hasn’t transpired, they haven’t exactly been unfaithful — although if their husband did the very things that they were doing, he would have hell to pay (funny how that works, huh?).
Bottom line, if you’re doing something that you would define as cheating if your spouse did the same thing, on some level you are being deceptive and manipulative (including participating in self-manipulation). And honestly, this includes if you’re allowing someone to become a bigger priority in your marriage than the one who you are actually married to and/or they know more about you and your needs and feelings than your spouse actually does. It’s “cheating” because you are CHEATING YOUR SPOUSE out of the opportunity to love you more and better.
How to Avoid This Issue:
I will forever die on the hill that when you sign up to be married, you sign up to have someone in your life who will forever hold you accountable; sometimes in ways that will not make you feel very comfortable (because growing pains are oftentimes just that). Yet before your spouse holds you accountable, you should be self-accountable. Some signs that you may be struggling in this particular area include:
• You find yourself parsing the definitions of cheating/infidelity.
• You make excuses for inappropriate conversations with other people.
• You are constantly justifying why it’s OK to violate marriage boundaries.
• You try and gaslight your partner when they confront you about your relationships with others.
• You have an “anything but” mentality when it comes to cheating (anything BUT intercourse or certain acts/things that you do with your spouse is OK when it comes to intimacy).
As I wrap this up, if you find yourself making excuses for something that you are doing, this means that you are riding the line of accountability and that means you are well on your way to entering into an affair — whether you realize it or not.
Hold yourself accountable and if you’re not ready to share with your spouse what you’ve been going through, find a trusted friend or see a professional.
Can a marriage survive cheating? Yes. Is it worth taking the risk? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
