Falling in love with the perfect partner can, for the lucky ones, be all too easy. A great smile, a terrific sense of humor, some shared values, a spicy sex life, and a desire to grow old together all lead to marriage, right? First comes love, then comes marriage, goes the old rhyme, which is sweet but is missing one critical detail. First comes love, then comes marriage, AND then comes mother-in-law drama!
Now, let's be fair. Some amazing mothers-in-law exist, the kind that never critique, never judge, and only bring more love to their daughter-in-law's life. This is not a story about those mothers-in-law. This is a story about the passive aggressive, the judgemental, and the critical mothers-in-law and the oh-so-satisfying moment they finally got hit with the absolute perfect comeback.
Join us for some real stories, kept anonymous for obvious reasons, that celebrate the joy of being petty and having the perfect comeback for a problematic mother-in-law!
Messy "Kid"
“My mother-in-law came over one day and saw that our kitchen table was completely covered in Legos and made some snarky comment about how I need to ‘stay on top of the mess’ and that she never let her kids leave messes like that. I just nodded at her and then yelled ‘Whoever left all the Legos out, please come to the kitchen!’ and had to laugh at the look on her face when my husband (her son) wandered in. Yep, he was in the midst of building the Death Star and so it was her kid making the mess, not mine!”
Fully Functional
“I love my MIL. Really. She is normally great, but she is very old school and she still sometimes acts like my husband is doing me a favor when he helps with the kids. One day she was going on and on about how helpful he is and I snapped back ‘Yes, it’s almost like I chose to marry a fully functional adult, able to meet the lowest bar of expectations for parenting.’ Since her husband never changed a single diaper, it shut her up for a bit.”
Minivan Magic
“This wasn’t quite my comeback but it was still pretty epic. My MIL is SO holier-than-thou and loves to act like her kids never did anything wrong (which isn’t exactly true, they were normal teenagers who just never got caught). She was scandalized by the fact that my husband bought condoms for our oldest child when they were leaving for college and was talking about how her kids were ‘good kids’ and didn’t have sex until they were married.
"My husband’s sister just laughed at her and said ‘Um, I lost my virginity in the back of the minivan instead of going to youth group’ and my husband laughed and said ‘hey, I lost mine back there too! Senior year homecoming!’ My MIL was SHOCKED and never said another word about my kid’s condoms.”
The Namesake
“I was 19 and my husband was 20 when we got pregnant and decided to get married. My MIL was only 44 and was NOT PLEASED to becoming a grandmother. She kept making snide comments about how dumb we were to be pregnant while we were in college and how I shouldn’t expect her to give us money or free babysitting. She also super hated my husband’s dad after their nasty, nasty divorce. So it was a perfect comeback for all her comments when the baby was born and I named him after her ex-husband!”
Baby Weight
“She kept making comments about how I wasn’t losing the baby weight very quickly and it was so annoying. Finally one day she said something about how I needed to work harder to lose weight and I said ‘Great! You can come by and babysit every day from 3-4:30 and I’ll go to the gym. Perfect idea!’”
Snap Back
“My MIL loves to give unsolicited advice on raising kids, much of it out-of-date and not aligned with our parenting vibe. One day she was saying something about how I should do something differently and I snapped back ‘You know, I live with the result of your parenting, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to take a different direction.’ My husband is sweet but it isn’t like he is perfect.”
The Lasagna Incident
“My mother-in-law is so critical of my cooking. She gave us a lasagna once and I stuck it in the freezer and then pulled it out a few months later and served it for dinner when she and my father-in-law were over. She said it was bland and needed more seasoning and I said ‘Oh, I agree. Maybe you can work on that next time?’ and then told her it was her own lasagna. My husband and my father-in-law were dying laughing.”
Silent Comeback
“Oh, man. My mother-in-law is actually not that bad, except that she is so so damn nosy. She is literally the person who keep binoculars in her living room to spy on the neighbors, so it isn't just us. She is also a bit of a prude. I figure out that she totally snoops when she babysits the kids, so one night I left a copy of a book on enjoying anal sex and a VERY large novelty dildo from my friend’s bachelorette party in our bedside drawer. I’m not 100% sure she looked but I know she couldn’t make eye contact with me for about a month. Sometimes the perfect comeback is totally silent!"
Nice and Juicy
“My mother-in-law was saying some stuff about me gaining weight and it was pissing me off. One night I finally said something like ‘I’d lose weight but your son just loves having a happy wife with a nice juicy ass’ and she about choked on her Diet Coke."
Mask Up
"UGH. My MIL has been the worst about COVID stuff and she always makes snarky comments about me and the kids masking up. I finally lost my temper and told her that she should be happy to wear a mask because it would help cover up all those nasty chin hairs she forgets to pluck. It was a mic drop moment."
Do Over
“I have said the phrase ‘These are MY kids, not YOUR do-over’ many, many times when my mother-in-law tries to tell me how to parent. I’m not here for her parenting advice when three out of four of her own kids is a hot mess. (I married the good one).”
We Can Afford It
“My in-laws are terrible, awful people who are always broke and asking us for money. I finally convinced my hubby that we needed to cut them off, so the next time they asked for money, we said no. My MIL said ‘Oh, I guess you aren’t so perfect with your money if you can’t afford to lend some to family’ and I said ‘Oh, no, we can afford it. We just aren’t going to.’ Super satisfying.”
Name Dropper
“I’m cousins with a pretty famous athlete. My mother-in-law likes to name drop and make it sound like she is related to him too, when the truth is she only met him once, at our wedding. I heard her talking to some of her friends one day and she said something about how fascinating it is to have an insider’s view of the NFL. I just looked at her and said ‘What insider’s view? Cousin’s name couldn’t even pick you out of a lineup.’ She was mortified.”
Thanks for Therapy
“I told her one day that my husband was a great father and partner in spite of her, not because of her. She loves to take credit for how awesome and successful he is, but truthfully she was a really crappy mom. He is great because of therapy, not because of her.”
Not a Phase
“My wife’s mother likes to pretend that her being gay is some sort of phase and that she’ll eventually marry a guy. We’ve been married for seven years and have a 3-year-old together, so not sure how this is just a phase. She once said something about how my wife ‘wasn’t really GAY gay’ and I said ‘I don’t know, she seems pretty gay when we are having sex’ and I thought she’d about pass out from the shock of it. It was the best.”
