In the annals of history, there are some people we remember fondly.
Henry VIII is not one of these. Because Henry VIII was a total fuckboy.
That's right: Henry Tudor, King of England from 1491 to 1547, was a prime fuckboy. Perhaps one of history's earliest. He was basically the Justin Bieber of the 16th century, minus the abs and plus a festering leg wound.
To begin with, Henry had a *total* fuckboy face.
Some think that weak chin was due to centuries of aristocratic inbreeding; I say it's due to writing "SEND NUDES LOL" nine million times.
If this isn't the face of a dude who would send unsolicited dick pics, I don't know what is.
He'd probably put it next to one of his many bedazzled chest medallions for scale. Hey, they didn't have TV remotes in the 1500s.
Today, Henry would be the kind of guy who texts you all the time and seems really charming and cool — at first.
He promises he'll take you to this amazing restaurant when things settle down at work because it's so crazy right now, but he can't seem to get his shit together long enough to make plans. And you tolerate it because, OK, he has a cool beard. And then when you finally get together, he gets fucking WASTED and starts shouting about his dead dad.
I'd also be willing to bet money that his emoji game was weak as hell.
If you kept going out with him, you'd soon find out that all of his exes were *SO FUCKING CRAZY*
Like, this one woman? TOTALLY fucked his older brother and lied about it. And then his next girlfriend? She was a witch. And a huge slut. Then his girlfriend died. Then his girlfriend was ugly, and she smelled bad. And then he married another THOT — and sure, he was cheating on her, but like, SO MUCH WORSE THAT SHE WAS SLEEPING AROUND. You should have seen her Insta DMs, OK, they were CRAZY.
But not YOU. YOU'RE not like other girls. YOU'RE special.
And like, MAYBE he's not entirely single. But he's so misunderstood! And he's really making an effort to be with you... or parts of you, at least.
He's basically willing to invent divorce to get laid. That is like the SUPREME fuckboy move.
He also insists on posing in every picture the exact same way, and will never take a selfie with you, because "Why put labels on things?"
Also, this is officially called a "swagger portrait." Because even his paintings are affected by his fuckboy-ness.
And yeah, he has a terrible temper...
And he competes with you over everything...
And accessorizes with as much taste as Justin Bieber...
But he wrote you a song! In the mind of a fuckboy, this fixes *everything*
"Pastime with good company / I love and shall until I die / grudge who lust but none deny / so God be pleased thus live will I."
That's basically a Drake song. And this explains a lot about both Drake AND Henry VIII.
Then after you break up, he'd tweet shit like this.
Because of course he would.
But hey, at least his kid is cool.
