Let's take a moment of silence to reflect on the heady fun that was sex in the early days of a relationship or marriage. For many of us lucky ones, sex was something that happened on the regular in the early days when the mutual lust level was high. But according to both anecdotes from friends and actual scientific research, as lust becomes love and a relationship becomes long-term, the amount of sex most couples has begins to noticably decline. Add in kids, jobs, and all the other stress of adulting all the time, and it can be all too easy for a decline in frequency to turn into a sexual dry spell.
A dry spell is when, for whatever reason, a couple gets out of the habit of having sex and the lack of sex starts to cause tension, sadness, or resentment for one or both partners. There's no standard for what constitutes a dry spell. For some couples it could be as short as a few weeks in between sex sessions, whereas other couples might measure it in months or even years. There's nothing that says a marriage has to include lots of sex, but there's also evidence that sexual satisfaction is tied to marital satisfaction, in addition to all the other health benefits that come with having an active sex life.
For couples who want to get out of a dry spell, it can sometimes feel a bit daunting to figure out how to get back into the swing of things, so we found 15 moms who shared the steps they took to get out of a dry spell. Read on for anti-dry spell inspo that's actually totally doable!
Just Kissing
"A hard thing when we're in a dry spell is that the thought of having sex feels like a lot of pressure. It becomes this big thing, the elephant in the room, and that makes it weirdly easy to keep avoiding it. Our therapist suggested taking sex off the table as a possiblity and try just reconnecting by scheduling 10 minutes to just kiss and hold each other, every day for a week. By the end of the week we were both very ready to get naked again. That week helped end an 11 month dry spell." — Shanna Y, Flint, Michigan
Get Everything Checked
"I know a lot of times, dry spells aren't because of a medical issue, but I highly suggest talking to your doctor if you think it might be. I had a traumatic birth, so it took me literally months to heal. And then I was nursing and tired. And then I blinked and it was 16 months since the baby was born and we hadn't had sex.
"By that point I was so scared that it would hurt that I really didn't want to try. But I went to my gyn and she checked me out, gave me some advice on a good lube, and checked my hormone levels which turned out to be totally out of whack. It helped to know that I wasn't imagining things. We eventually got there, but it is the reason there is a five-year age gap between my kids!" — Molly O, Los Alamos, New Mexico
A Hotel Room
"I'm someone who struggles to get into a sexy mood when there are a million things to do around the house or when there are kids coming in and out of our room. After having more than one dry spell of six months or more, we've figured out that nothing jump starts my sex drive like a hotel room. I just need that change of scenery and knowing that I'm not going to have to shift into mothering work mode to feel sexy again." — Dana S, Chicago
Kick the Kids Out
"I don't care what the other crunchy moms say, co-sleeping is NOT GREAT for your sex life. We were in a major dry spell (I think almost four months?) until we finally kicked the kids out of our bed and made them start sleeping in their own room. It's just a lot easier to have sex when you can roll over and have a sleepy quickie without having to relocate a toddler first. Make it easier to have sex and you'll probably have more sex. Duh." – Zoey T, Ames, Iowa
The Snip
"This might not work for everyone, but we ended a three-year (yes, year) dry spell when my husband got a vasectomy. We'd been in a standoff for a long time because we didn't want more kids, but I refused to go back on hormonal birth control because I was tired of carrying the burden of not getting pregnant on my own. We did condoms but neither of us like it.
"We had sex less and less and then a month turned into a year and we just weren't connecting in that way anymore. We actually almost got divorced. The lack of sex wasn't the only problem but was a sign that we were officially having issues. The vasectomy was actually a big gesture to save our marriage and it worked! We had sex as soon as he was cleared by the doctor." – Name withheld by request
Get Chemical Help
"Legal weed helped end our dry spell. For real. I've never been a pot smoker and I don't drink. When it became legal, we decided to try it just because we could and ended up having sex that night, for the first time in maybe two months. We don't smoke a lot, maybe once or twice a month, but it totally takes the edge off and puts me in the more relaxed mood that leads to sex. I figure it is like my version of a nightcap or glass of wine." – Jessa F, San Diego
Reclaiming My Body
"Our sex slump ended after I reclaimed my body. I stopped nursing. Finally. I got back into my yoga practice. I started taking care of body and the stress relief helped me feel more willing and able to connect sexually again. We still don't have sex as much as we did before kids, but does anybody?" – Alexis C, Tempe, Arizona
A Little Pill
"I think the weird thing about dry spells is how easy it is to slip into them. We were having some issues in the bedroom because my husband was having some ED. So we stopped trying as often and then one day I kind of realized it had been nearly six months. We finally talked it out and he agreed to talk to his doctor. One bottle of little blue pills later and we were back in business." – Name withheld by request
The Best Binge
"What ended our dry spell? Um, Bridgerton. Specifically season 2, the scene in the garden. When he looks up at her while going down? It was INSPIRING. After a two-month dry spell, we ended up getting it on in our backyard that same night." – Anna S, St. Paul, Minnesota
Doing the Work
"Sometimes you just have to do the work. We had to figure out why we weren't connecting. The not having sex wasn't the problem. It was a symptom of a bigger problem. So we did about six months of weekly couples therapy and it helped in all the things, including the sex stuff." – Hannah M, Grand Rapids, Michigan
Lowering Expectations
"Pre-kids, we had a great sex life. We loved having like these like epic, long, low-key kinky sessions. We had drought for about, I think, six months during the pandemic where we didn't have sex. What helped us get back in there was lowering our expectations. Maybe we couldn't have a two-hour thing with massage and a sex swing. But a 15-minute shower quickie? We can make that happen." – Beth E, Tucson, Arizona
Date Night
"I have the most boring answer. Date nights. We got out of the habit during the pandemic and starting it back up when outdoor patios open helped us get out of our dry spell. Couples need to have time that isn't centered around the kids." – Nicole B, Topeka, Kansas
Deal With My Own Stuff
"Our dry spell was basically all my fault. I shouldn't say fault. It wasn't intentional. I've gained a lot of weight since having kids and I struggled to accept myself. I also didn't totally believe that my husband could really be attracted to me. So I had to deal with my own stuff in order to get us going again." – Jessie W, Green Bay, Wisconsin
Pre-Gaming
"After we went a VERY long time without having sex, we decided to have a standing sex date on Saturday nights. I've started to pre-game on those nights by reading some erotica before our date starts. It helps get me ready to feel turned on by my husband." – Rene K, San Jose, California
Get Wooed
"We were living like roommates. And roommates don't bone each other. I told my husband that I needed some more romance. I needed to be freaking wooed a little. I needed to remember what it felt like to be the hot girl who the cute boy wanted to get with. Thankfully, he was happy to try harder when it got clear that romance leads to sex, even when we've been married 13 years." – Annie W, Fresno, California
