In-laws are part of the package deal when you fall in love with someone. If you often experience awkward conversations with them, you’re not alone. Many people need tools to help them navigate those moments without upsetting their spouse or offending their in-laws. Developing conversational skills will help you converse with your spouse’s parents more easily.
Your spouse may try to help manage awkward in-law conversations with you, but you can handle them like a pro by yourself. Determine how your partner’s parents communicate and what uncomfortable topics come up most often. You’ll strategize how to respond or set boundaries to form a healthier dynamic. If you need help, find a therapist to develop conversational tools for those tougher moments with your in-laws.
In the meantime, here are some tips for navigating conversations with your in-laws that you can use right now.
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Recognize their natural communication style.
People develop varying communication styles based on how they interact with the world. Learning about different methods will help you better understand how to handle the most awkward in-law conversations like a pro.
Assertive Communication
Your in-laws might be assertive communicators if they listen and respect your thoughts or feelings while remaining confident about their own. This is a healthier way to talk with someone because it creates a safe space for honesty.
Passive Communication
You might be a passive communicator if you rarely vocalize your authentic opinions or thoughts because you fear your in-laws’ reactions. It often results in others misunderstanding you or assuming you agree with them.
Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communicators rarely admit they’re wrong or let themselves learn from other people. They get angry quickly and impose judgment on everyone automatically. It can lead to awkward conversations if your in-laws are aggressive and you’re more passive.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
Some people are passive-aggressive with their family members for various reasons. The amount of passive or aggressive remarks changes with each individual. Experts sometimes use a three-factor scale to determine where someone falls in this communication style.
Passive-aggressive conversations create awkward situations because your in-laws don’t say how they feel directly. Instead, they may say something snarky or give you a backhanded compliment. When that happens, you’re left to guess what they mean. If you call them out on it, you might worry that your family will think you’re jumping to conclusions or being mean because you’re the most direct person in the room.
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Strategize your responses during awkward arguments.
Once you know how your in-laws typically communicate, you can develop strategies for various awkward moments. Save them on your phone if you’re worried about forgetting your ideas before your next visit with them.
When You Get Into an Argument
Arguing with your spouse’s parents is never easy. You don’t want to offend your partner with whatever you say to their mom or dad. There might also be a tense parent-child power dynamic lingering in the family. Don’t expect your spouse to always step into the middle of the argument. Tell your in-laws why you’re upset with a clear, gentle tone.
You can always try to make a compromise if possible. If the argument is about where to eat dinner, find a restaurant that serves both of the foods you like. If the disagreement is about your fundamental values, that same kind of solution likely isn’t possible.
When it feels like the argument is getting worse and going nowhere, take 24 hours to cool down or leave the room. Everyone will get time to settle and reflect on what was said. You may reconnect in an emotionally better place that makes it easier for everyone to apologize to each other.
When You’re Not Sure What They Meant
Miscommunication happens all the time. If your spouse’s parents say something uncomfortable and you’re a bit confused, show that you were listening by paraphrasing what you heard without pointed language.
For instance, “It sounds like you’re saying that my choice of clothing bothers you.” If spoken in a kind or gentle tone, your in-laws may feel comfortable clarifying what they meant. It could solve the issue and make the rest of your interaction more pleasant.
When You’re Uncomfortable After a Comment
Sometimes, awkward comments are unbearably uncomfortable. Your in-laws might comment about your weight, your sex life with your spouse, or your religion. Their lack of thought doesn’t mean you have to feel uneasy forever.
Your strategy might be to say something like, “That comment made me uncomfortable. Please don’t say things like that again.” If they double down, ask that they change the topic of conversation. You can always leave the room if they don’t.
Vocalize your boundaries with kindness.
Boundaries support healthy relationships. They provide guidelines for people on how and how not to treat you, but you must vocalize them. You might need to establish boundaries with your in-laws to prevent more awkward interactions. Consider kindly and calmly saying something like the following:
- “I don’t want to talk about that today.”
- “I value our relationship, so let’s avoid this topic we disagree on.”
- “Why would you say that when it makes me uncomfortable?”
- “I’m overwhelmed right now. Can we come back to this later?”
- “Please don’t say things like that to me anymore, or I’ll have to leave.”
You can always save go-to phrases on your phone or on a note in your pocket. As you practice establishing boundaries, they’ll come to you naturally.
