Grandparents can be really wonderful. Children lucky enough to have grandparents in their lives often experience a love like no other. We sometimes hear grandparents joke that having grandkids is great because they get to spoil them and give them back to mom and dad. These are endearing moments that can warm hearts.
While it is lovely to be with a grandparent, there needs to be an understanding between the parents and grandparents about the children and how the parents are raising them. For some, this might be a reminder that a diet exclusively of candy and ice cream while at grandma and grandpa's is not OK. Others may want to talk about rules about screens and play. And, of course, there are discipline methods, which for one family means absolutely no hitting.
A mom and dad of an autistic child are having an issue with grandma. Their son got excited while playing recently and bit his grandmother, and in return, she smacked him. His parents were enraged and told her that her reaction was totally inappropriate and that she should never hit their child again. She disagreed and said that she would do as she pleased. Now the parents want to cut her off until she can treat their child as they see fit. Is that unreasonable?
The grandmother is around a lot.
The child's mom, OP, posted on Mumsnet's Am I Being Unreasonable forum because she is not OK with her mother-in-law's reaction to her child. MIL is at their home several times weekly and is quite familiar with the child's autism and behaviors.
Recently, the two were playing, and he got overly excited, accidentally biting her. She smacked him on the back, hard, and told him not to bite. He was terrified and just wanted to go home.
"When I went to help DS get ready to leave, DH called her out on it," she wrote. "He said that he understood that it may have been an old habit/instant reaction, however we do not hit DS and to please never do that again. She told them they can parent how they want, but that she'll discipline as she sees fit."
The parents are annoyed.
OP's husband told her what his mom said when they got home, and she was distraught. They sat down with their son and explained that biting is wrong, but so is hitting, and if anyone touched him again, to let them know right away.
"DH has said that if it ever happens again that it will be the last time she sees us, however I now feel very uncomfortable. I would maybe agree if she'd apologised however it feels like a looming threat that she will 'discipline as she sees fit,' Am I overreacting? Would you give her a second chance?" OP asked.
This is her grandson, not her son.
AIBU forum members quickly pointed out that this is a grandmother, not a mother, she has no right to hit someone else's child.
"I'm so sorry that this is something you have to deal with, it must be really awful," one person wrote. "If it was me on your situation, I'd feel very uncomfortable letting my MIL anywhere near my DS, especially after hearing the 'discipline as I see fit' remark. What's your gut reaction, cos mine would be to stay away?"
"Nobody should be openly saying 'I'll do it again if I feel justified' when it comes to belting a child and that's basically what she's saying," someone agreed.
"Well he isn't her child to discipline as she sees fit!!!" another person pointed out. "Can you DH sit her down when the whole thing is less on the boil and talk to her?"
"I would imagine that if she felt terrible, she would apologise," noted one person. "However this grandmother says openly that she would do it again. Sounds unrepentant to me."
Only some people think that the grandmother is wrong.
A few commenters felt like OP was using her son's autism as an excuse, and that is not OK with them.
"Explain to your kid that if you hurt people, they may hurt you worse," someone commented. "That is life. Why should kids with autism get a free pass all the time? I remember years ago in a shop. I was sexually assaulted by a young man. He grabbed my a—. I turned around and his mum said 'I'm sorry, he is autistic' as if I was supposed to say 'oh OK that is fine then.'"
"This type of thing needs to stop," one commenter wrote. "Your mil was assaulted and you're mad at her for retaliating? Have a word with yourself. Today he bit. He will grow up thinking no consequences and will only escalate. I fear for women in the future. Assault is not OK. Your mil acted in self defence and I don't blame her!"
Others argue parenting a child with autism is more complicated than people think.
"Amazing how many people without autistic children think they're experts on it!" noted one commenter. "You don't just 'sort' an autistic kids out! It's extremely hard work being a parent, a parent of an autistic child more so. All the ignorant judging of others just makes it even harder!"
This is a challenging situation all around.
Almost everyone in the forum agreed that hitting a child is wrong and the grandmother shouldn't go against a parent's wishes. But plenty of people feel that the parents weren't doing their part and are playing victims.
Some think the family needs to sit down, air their grievances, and hopefully devise a plan everyone agrees on and respects. Cutting the grandmother off from her family should be the absolute last resort.
