Things change when a couple has children and one of the biological parents decides to be absent. This is particularly true when the parent who the children live with gets into a new relationship. If that relationship turns into a marriage and they all live together happily, it is not unreasonable for the stepparent and the children to form a close bond. At the same time, however, that can also lead to some drama.
A woman recently posted in Reddit's AITA form about her ex, her current husband, and their relationships with the kids. The woman's ex drops in and out when he pleases and has not been much of a father figure to their daughters. On the other hand, her current husband has been a constant in their lives, and the girls have started to call him dad and their biological father by his first name. This has caused all kinds of trouble with the ex, and she wonders if she is wrong for not correcting them.
The ex walked out when OP was pregnant with their second daughter.
OP's ex, Dean, has been a less-than-great dad. They share two daughters, who are 12 and 9. He ditched the family during OP's pregnancy with their youngest daughter and has not been present in any of their lives.
"I haven't cut him off from them because at the end of the day they are still his daughters and he had a right to see them, they have also said they want to see him," OP wrote. "He usually sees them when they are at their gran's (his mum's), its never arranged. He's usually dropping in to borrow money off her."
OP married someone else, and the girls adore their stepfather.
OP and her husband, Seb, have been together for eight years. He is the father figure in their home, and they all love each other.
Having said that, Seb has been cautious about calling himself their father because Dean is still around, and he doesn't want to step on any toes. The girls call Seb "Dad," though, and Dean by his first name. After one of the girls expressed her feelings on Father's Day, Seb no longer cares what Dean thinks.
"However when 12F made him a father's day card and told him that because he did everything for her that her friend's dads did for them that he was her dad. We've stopped correcting it," OP explained.
Dean got all upset.
Of course, it wouldn't be on Reddit without a bit of drama. Dean is all up in his feelings and mad at OP for letting the girls call Seb Dad. They ran into each other just before the holidays and he told her off and called her by a derogatory term.
Then at Christmas when the girls were visiting Dean's side of the family, he showed up and went off the rails, got drunk, and made a scene in front of his family, accusing OP of keeping the girls from him. They called her and wanted to come home, so she went to get them. In the days following, things went from bad to worse.
"I picked them up," she wrote. "I have now been sent a letter telling me that Dean is intending to take me to court to get custody and for parental alienation, post marked early in December it was delayed due to the post strikes."
So, is she really the a–hole or is she just acting in the best interest of her children?
Redditors quickly pointed out that Dean is no dad.
Is he their biological father? Sure. But that isn't what makes a dad.
"NTA if bio dad wanted to keep that title he should have made the effort. Seb doesn't want the title but is actually fatherly to them — so whose really their dad? Honestly it's Seb," someone commented.
"You respected boundaries with everyone involved. The girls chose their father, and frankly it sounds like he fully embodied that role in every sense," another commenter agreed. "It shouldn't be a surprise that happened. H—, in court the oldest can probably tell the judge herself what happened."
"NTA-My stepfather is the one I call Dad because he was the one who acted like a dad," someone else share. "The man who gave me half my DNA decided early on her wasn't a father to me or my siblings. Your daughters know who Dad is and who their father is."
OP, Redditors think a judge will see through this.
If Dean is really as bad as he sounds, Reddit hopes that a fair judge will keep the kids away from him.
"NTA not at all," one commenter wrote. "The judge will ask questions like 'do you pay child support? How often do you see the girls? Where do you live? How many bedrooms? Have they ever stayed over? How often do you call them? You've been divorced 9 years, don't pay child support, and they have never spent nights with you?'
"Then he'll promptly lose," the person continued. "Maybe get court ordered visitation twice a month with supervision or something like that. Plus a child support order. Make sure your attorney tells the judge about his drunk verbal attack."
Other people think that Dean is just full of it.
"Did this letter come from an attorney. I suspect that his letter is a sham," one person wrote. "I don't think that a father who hasn't had visitation and doesn't pay child support has a shot at getting custody. If he does try to get custody, a counterclaim for unpaid child support is pretty appropriate."
"You nailed it. Dean wants to be dad? He needs to support his children and be a constant in their lives," someone else chimed in. "I don't know the legal system where OP lives, but in the US where I live (lawyer), a judge would likely make that determination in a hot minute."
Good luck, OP. It sounds like you and Seb have a loving marriage and are raising a great family. Dean has made his bed, and now he has to lie in it. If he really wants to go that route, let the courts decide.
