It's the best when you're in a relationship and your family loves your partner. You know they get along and that you will all live happily ever after. That is, of course, until you break up. Sometimes when a relationship ends, it is devastating not just for the couple but also for the extended family and friends.
Is it possible to still have a relationship with the ex of a loved one or should you cut ties? This can be a very sticky situation.
A woman in a tough spot with her future mother-in-law took to Reddit's AITA forum for advice. Her MIL is still on excellent terms with her fiancé's ex. Not only are they friendly, but they are also coworkers. The original poster explained that she and her fiancé are getting married the same day as the ex, and MIL has decided to skip out of their festivities early so she can go to the ex's ceremony. OP is livid and threatened to cut off the MIL if she goes through with it. Now she wonders if she's being harsh.
The MIL has always loved her son's ex more than OP.
Wouldn't you just know it? MIL loves the ex. OP opened her post very bluntly, writing, "My fiance's mom hates me. She has been nothing short of the MIL from hell, and she has his ex on a pedestal."
That is never a good sign.
"I've always known that she preferred the ex and wanted him to marry her," she continued. "This used to really bother me, and we even tried to get her to cut contact, but that blew up spectacularly and there was a huge fight. His ex works for MIL as a hair and makeup artist/somewhat of an assistant, and they are still very close."
Of course, the weddings are on the same day.
There weren't a lot of date options available because of various circumstances, and coincidentally, the couples are getting married the same day. If OP's MIL had chosen to attend the ex's wedding and it was a different day, it would have stung but everyone would have likely gotten over it. MIL, however, is taking it one step further and plans to attend the ex's wedding on the same day as her son and OP.
"MIL recently sat us down and said she could only come to our ceremony, and then would be leaving to make it to his ex's ceremony. She said she didn't want to fight about it as she had thought long and hard, and it felt right to her as his ex has no family. We were both furious, and the more I stewed on it the more angry I was for my fiancé," OP explained.
OP laid it all on the line for her future MIL.
OP held nothing back when it came to her feelings. She told her that she was not going to try to change her mind but that there would be consequences to her actions.
"We will never do a thing for her," OP wrote on Reddit. "She is losing her right to be considered immediate family and she needs to plan accordingly. There will be no care when she is elderly, no financial help, she will never ever live with us."
Yikes.
You can imagine how this went over.
MIL was furious – not unwarranted – and told OP that she was "unforgivably insulting."
MIL replied that she has had a very successful career and will not need to rely on anyone but herself in the future. She has been an independent woman since she was a teenager and now has stopped talking to OP.
"The whole family is taking her side and saying it was a weird threat. To be honest I don't think she is going to need our money, but I just wanted my point to be clear, that there will be no help whatsoever when she is old," OP wrote.
Now she wants to know if that makes her the jerk.
What is the deal with MIL and her son's ex?
We've probably all had an ex that has been close to our families. It happens, but should your mom remain close to that person — particularly when you've made a new life with someone else? Redditors thought this was a bit odd.
"Sure family is family but she's literally choosing HER SONS EX over her own son. That is insane and I wouldn't help her ever either or consider her family. The ex can take care of her," one person wrote.
"OP and fiancé can't stop MIL from having contact with the ex, especially since the ex works for her, but MIL constantly choosing the ex over OP is going to strain her relationship with her son because fiancé clearly loves OP. It's not toxic on OP's part that fiancé wants to make clear that she's a big part of his life now and that MIL's tantrums will have consequences," another person commented.
There were strong feelings about the situation.
"This is such a horrible take. They obviously don't support the new relationship as Op stated she is constantly compared to the ex. F that," someone else commented. "Yeah my MIL would be absolutely dead to me after that. And good for her future husband standing up for his soon to be wife. That's how it should be. If my family chooses to stay close to an ex of mine yeah nah they wouldn't be invited to my wedding."
But what about OP? Some thought she had taken it too far.
"YTA. It WAS a weird threat, and completely pointless. Be mad with her for her choices. Limit contact with her. But don't dream up ways to punish her in the future. You are unbalanced and maybe MIL Is right about you," one person commented.
Other people agreed that OP is being shady.
"YTA … Because it just comes off as a angry, empty threat," one person wrote. "Why be petty? Take the lead from your fiancé and decide how much you want her in your life. This just comes off as manipulative."
"Your reaction seems extreme. She has a child and a very close friend getting married on the same day and is making the effort to go to both. You don't get to tell her who to care about. If you want to go low or no contact with her, then do, but don't play this manipulative game," someone else chimed in.
Shouldn't OP's fiancé deal with his mom?
If MIL is really as horrible as she is being made out to be, shouldn't OP's fiancé be the one dealing with her? Particularly if it has already been made clear that she doesn't like OP? Commenters seemed to agree with that.
"Your fiancé should be handling things with his mother. Your reaction of saying what will happen decades from now is extreme," someone pointed out.
"You should have let your fiance handle their mom," another person suggested. "If anything, you should be happy. She's not going to make your reception as you don't like her. But not your issue. It's your fiance's issue. He handles his family and You handle yours."
"This should be between your fiance and his mom, full stop. It is outrageous that you're declaring what her son will and won't do for her 40+ years from now," someone else commented. "And it's not your fiance's ex, it's also your MIL's long time close friend and employee. That relationship can end up almost like mother and daughter.
"Cutting contact should never have been a demand," the person asserted. "I can see why your MIL is having a hard time with her son's relationship with you — you come across as unreasonably controlling and demanding, and this is just from your very curated telling of events."
It sounds like the bride — and her future husband — have some work to do.
Girlfriend, you're in a mess. It looks like you and your MIL are both in the wrong. Plus, it's time to get the fiancé on board to help sort this out, or there is trouble ahead.
"I am going to give you advice I got before I got married (30yrs ago). It is not your job to deal with your spouses family," one person wrote. "You deal with yours and he should deal with his. That said … the response should have ended with her not being immediate family … No mention of money and no threats. It is up to your fiance to make that decision … not you YTA because you didn't stay in your lane."
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