When someone is entirely dependent upon you to live their life to the fullest, it can be emotionally and physically draining. What if you were a prisoner in your own home due to having to care for someone else? Imagine that person is your husband. You have vowed to be with one another through sickness and in health, but should you be entitled to a few minutes to yourself?
A woman reached out on Reddit's AITA forum for advice about her marriage. The woman and her husband, 35, live together 24 hours a day. Her husband is a wheelchair user who relies on the original poster to care for his every need. He is emotionally very needy, and it is starting to take a toll on OP. She wants to have a girls' night and a bit of normalcy. He refuses to leave her alone and insists on being included. They had a massive blowout, and neither is willing to budge. Is she wrong to want a bit of normalcy?
OP's husband needs her help with everything.
OP is in charge of everything in the couple's home. She does it all, which she doesn't complain about. What's killing her is his emotional reliance on her. OP gets nearly no time to herself, and that is starting to drag her down.
"Because he needs me around to assist him, I'd have him and his chair nearby while I do laundry or cook or clean. He's with me most of the time except for when I go to the bathroom, but even then he'd complain about me being away for so long. I don't even go shopping, everything gets delivered to our home," she explained.
She wants a social life.
OP wants some time with her girlfriends, which is totally understandable. What's a reach is that her husband is insisting on being a part of their girls' night in. He's taking it personally that she doesn't want him there, but she insists that's not the case.
"Since I can't be away from home, especially at night. I asked my husband for some [privacy] when my friends come and he took it badly, took it as in I was annoyed and bothered by him but I assured him it wasn't like that. He said if it's true then I'd let him sit with us during girls night in," she explained.
OP's husband is making a huge deal out of the whole thing.
OP explained that sitting with him ruins the privacy of the girls' night and that it just isn't his place to be there. He freaked out and called her "selfish and rude for refusing."
Now he is giving her the cold shoulder and says he will not speak to her until she changes her mind and lets him join in. OP isn't budging and is "choosing this hill to die on." Those are his words.
OP hasn't seen her friends in a long time.
OP hasn't seen friends or family because he refuses to leave the house and will not let anyone else stay with him. It has gotten completely out of control.
"He even wouldn't let me be out of sight for more than few minutes. I sometimes have to bring him near the bathroom so he [could] wait for me with the DOOR OPEN if I'm taking more time. He isn't sociable by nature, so he doesn't have friends. The [only] 2 friends he had showed their true color after he became disabled and put a distance," she continues.
She wants to know if she's being a jerk.
Reddit hated OP's husband immediately.
Right out of the gate, the Reddit community said that OP is not the a–hole. Many believe her husband is being totally unreasonable and treating her like a prisoner.
"He essentially made you a prisoner completely tied to him, with no privacy whatsoever. I get it that he is disabled and needs your help, but at the same time you not being [able] to have a moment without him lurking nearby is ridiculous and a gigantic red flag," one comment read. "He can definitely spend an evening reading a book or watching some TV and let you have a girls party, provided you both have phones with you and he can reach out to you should your assistance become necessary."
Another person thinks that it is time to check out of this marriage.
"Nta you are the ultimate prisoner atleast in jail you get yard time you need to bring in a second carer and if he doesn't agree to it tell him you will end the marriage you can't live like this it's not fair to anyone," the person suggested.
This is abuse, according to Redditors.
There were people that called her husband an abuser because mental and emotional abuse counts.
"Just because your husband is in a wheelchair doesn't mean he can't be abusive," one person asserted. "He is keeping you prisoner in your own home."
"Oh dear. You are being abused. You are being blinded by it because your husband is using his disability to mask his abusive behavior," someone else pointed out.
One commenter made a big point about all the things he is choosing for OP and how all those choices lead to abuse. "I want to repeat again that being disabled does not excuse his abuse. You are not a bad person or wife for leaving him. You matter," the person wrote.
OP, you can leave this relationship.
There was not a single person who said that OP was the a–hole. It was unanimous that her husband was in the wrong, and there was also the camp that thinks she needs to leave this marriage.
OP's husband is clearly in charge. One comment reads, "He wont even go out with her. Which means, he has the option to go out. Even if he doesn't want to, he's not even willing to compromise. Husband is an AH. OP's gonna get enough and divorce his a–. Just hope she doesn't feel guilty, cause she owes him nothing."
Even though the word divorce is hot on Reddit, readers think this is a real case of needing to end a relationship.
"NTA, not even a little bit," one person wrote. "He is using his disability to control, manipulate and isolate you. It actually sounds abusive. What a horrible life for you. Divorce gets thrown around a lot here but I would run like the wind if I were you."
He is controlling. That is clear. OP probably needs to take things very seriously, according to Reddit.
"Your husband sounds controlling af. You need to set boundaries and stick up for yourself," one person advised. "If he refuses to budge than it may be time to think about divorce."
It's time for OP to think things through.
Reddit really wants OP to get out of this relationship. They don't think that it is fair that a bully is controlling her. She deserves to live her life. He isn't showing her love, he is a dictator, and Reddit says that is just plain wrong.
OP, think about your worth and happiness. You deserve that. Your mental health is crucial.
One person offered some good advice. "He sounds like an abuser trying to isolate you from your friends and family. Please consider getting both of you therapy," the person wrote. "If he won't go, go on your own. He sounds toxic and I can't imagine this is in anyway good for your mental health. Be well."
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