I’m Angry My Wife & Brother Hooked Up Before We Met & Never Mentioned It

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Everyone has a past. In relationships, that past can come back and haunt you sometimes. We can’t control who our partners were with before we got together. But what happens if the person they were with before us is someone who is still a close part of our lives and we’ve been none the wiser?

A husband on Reddit is asking that question after he found out that his wife and brother had hooked up in the past. The alleged hookup happened before they met, but it took 20 years for the man to find out. Were they obligated to tell him?

It was the man's SIL who dropped the bombshell.

In the AITA post, the man revealed that he and his wife have been together for about 20 years. He recently found out about her previous relationship with his brother during a family dinner.

“My SIL recently disclosed at a family dinner that my brother had a date(s) with my wife several weeks before we started dating,” he shared. “I never knew. They kept it a secret all these years. I realize it is ancient history, but we have had our marriage issues like every couple over the years. I feel pain, violated, and almost irrationally angry that this ‘secret’ was common knowledge in my family, but I was clueless.”

He also said his SIL implied they had been “intimate.”

He's thinking of ending his marriage.

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“My wife and I already sleep apart. I am thinking of ending it with her over this. I was a fool for half my life to everyone close to me,” he said, calling the rest of his family a–holes for knowing about the tryst and saying nothing over the years.

“From my parents (who said they thought I knew) to my siblings who all knew, I want no contact (at least for awhile).”

He gave additional insight into his marriage troubles.

After revealing that his brother admitted to being physically intimate with his wife, saying he “raw dogged” her, OP gave commenters more insight into the marriage troubles he and his wife have faced over the years.

“I already had trust issues from things she has done in our relationship in her mid 40’s. She ‘missed out’ on sowing her oats, having our kids, SAH mom, so she got a boob job, hit the gym and let her freak flag fly. It was a phase and she got over it. We worked through it with counseling,” he explained. “I think of it like an illness I supported her through. But trust is an issue. A little tiny tickle in the back of my brain saying ‘What if?’ I don’t want to do that dance again. It was awful for us both. We both have our failings.”

Many commenters validated his feelings.

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“NTA but if I heard your story, I would never think that you were the fool or think anything badly of you,” someone wrote. “I would think badly of all the people who knew but said nothing. So don’t feel like a fool – that would be you letting your insecurities get the better of you.”

“I think you need to determine if you are upset that they didn’t tell you, or upset that she potentially slept with your brother prior to you dating.. 20 years ago,” one person commented. “You’re NTA for being upset regardless, but figuring out the ‘why’ will help you move forward from here. Don’t be so quick to throw 20+ years of marriage down the drain.”

Another person commented: “NTA- having a secret held like that behind your back for so long feels like a betrayal. Mainly by your wife. I wonder if maybe the other members of your family thought she told you and didn’t feel like it was their place to step in and mention it? Can completely understand your need for distance though.”

“The whole family disrespected you and made you feel like a fool,” someone else pointed out. “Don’t let them try to minimize your feelings. It’s not one lie from 20 years ago. It’s hundreds of lies by omission at every holiday, every wedding, every funeral, every family dinner.”

His wife responded.

“She claims it was all innocent. Coffee in the daytime only. My brother said he was just doing good natured brotherly joking last night. We do give each other shit all the time. He confirmed just coffee and only platonic. ‘Nothing happened’ so I should just let it go,” the OP explained. “I want to believe them but I don’t.”