For some families, holiday planning is tough. Many of us have to decide whose family to spend time with during the holidays and when. If you're divorced or separated, that can add another layer and even more family to visit. But what about those in a polyamorous relationship?
Kind of sounds like a logistical nightmare. But at least one family is making it work, and truthfully, we could all learn a little something.
How do you manage that many people?
In an essay for Insider, mom of two Jennifer Martin explained that making things work for herself, husband Daniel, partner Ty, and her two children, D and H, has helped her be more organized overall. She explained that three people in a relationship means two sets of in-laws instead of just one. That turns into a minimum of three visits, if not more.
"I rely heavily on Google Calendar and I luckily enjoy planning. We try to ensure that our holidays go as smoothly as possible, especially for our children. But we have limited space, limited time, and limited income," she wrote.
The families are geographically spread out.
Martin explained that her family spends a lot of time with Ty's family because they live close by. Everyone sees her family and Daniel's less often because they live in another state.
"As we are all Christian — or Christian-adjacent — we celebrate Christian holidays, alongside the typical American holidays on which we have days off," she shared.
Thanksgiving week can be hectic.
Martin and her partners invite Daniel's family over for Thanksgiving because she likes to cook many different foods and his family is less picky. Because this holiday doesn't involve gifts, Daniel's family stays at a hotel because "our lives stay busy during this time but mostly stress-free."
The family will then spend time with Ty's family on Thanksgiving weekend to do something special, like to see a movie or go out to dinner.
Not everyone is totally onboard with Martin's relationship status.
When their family visits Martin's family in Nashville for Christmas, her mother has some rules. Despite their more "conservative" beliefs, Ty is welcome but Martin can only sleep with Daniel because they are legally married.
"Even though my parents are conservative, they accept and approve of Ty — as he is part of my family, his presence is nonnegotiable," she wrote.
Ty and Daniel do not date each other.
Martin is in a relationship with both men, but they are not in a relationship with each other. She explained that they do not date or share a bed at home. She shares her sleeping time between the two of them.
Because of her parents' feelings, Ty slept at her sister's house during Christmas last year, as there wasn't another bedroom for him. He was not thrilled with the situation because he felt left out, so he plans to stay on the couch this year.
"If Ty and I want to spend any time alone, however, we'll have to get a hotel, which we did for two nights last year. If we could afford it, I think, we'd prefer to all stay at a hotel or an Airbnb close to my parents' house," she explained in her essay.
The family spends New Year's Day back at home.
To be sure that Ty's family gets some extra holiday time, they travel back to Richmond, Virginia, where they all live, to celebrate the new year. As far as other holidays are concerned, family comes to them. Martin's parents visit for Easter, and her in-laws come to town for the kids' birthday. The system works for all of them.
Martin loves her family just the way it is.
Martin understands that her family is atypical, but she is happy with things the way that they are. Because they are three working adults, they have additional income that helps to make things memorable for holidays and birthdays. And despite their different lifestyles, each partner's families accept and love them.
"Family is hugely important to me, and one of the treasures of polyamory is that I have a lot more of it. Yes, it's a lot more work and, yes, sometimes the more conservative relatives feel awkward around us initially — but I think it's important that we show up and normalize polyamory," she wrote in her essay.
