When parents adopt, that child instantly becomes a member of their family, no questions asked. Yet some people's extended family members don't always understand that. If the adoption doesn't meet their standards for a perfect family, they may treat that child differently, which is totally unfair.
A woman is experiencing a similar situation with her family and took to Reddit's AITA forum for advice. She adopted her husband's niece nine years ago when the little girl was just 2 years old. Everything seemed fine, but now she is expecting another baby girl and her family has made a big deal about the baby being their first granddaughter. Given the new development, she's throwing an ultimatum at them to treat both girls equally or they won't see either.
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They have been a family for a long time.
The Original Poster explained that Sarah has been her daughter since she was a toddler, and although things were difficult at first, life has been pretty perfect for the family for a while. When OP discovered she was expecting a baby girl, she shared the news with her family and was surprised by her parents' excitement for their "first granddaughter."
"Luckily they didn't say it around Sarah but I was not happy. We had a fight over it, with them claiming Sarah doesn't count and trying to justify it by saying she's from my husband's family not ours," she wrote. "But she's my daughter, their granddaughter. She calls them her grandparents. My sister is her aunt and my nephew is her cousin. If they don't accept Sarah then there's no way I'm wanting them around either daughter."
OP's husband wants her to let it go.
Maybe she is being overly emotional, but OP doesn't think so. She thinks her husband is being a bit soft.
"But with his history he tends to be a bit of a push over when it comes to family (understanding obviously, but still) and they haven't apologized, if anything they've double down," she wrote. "I don't want Sarah hearing any of this, and if I can't trust them to treat our girls equal then I can't trust them with them. Everyone else thinks I'm overreacting, but I don't agree."
It's two granddaughters, not just one.
Most Redditors agreed with OP and thought her family needed to get on board with Sarah as their granddaughter.
"YOU have adopted his child. She is LEGALLY your daughter. You are not over reacting. It sounds very much like your parents will treat your bio daughter differently than your adopted daughter and you want to prevent that favoritism. You have to set this boundary NOW," someone commented.
People believed OP was being a good mom.
"NTA you are standing up for your child, the one who looks at you and says 'mom' and if they are going to try to exclude that child, then they can't be allowed around any children in case of how they might try to influence them," another person commented.
One person called out OP’s parents.
"Your parents are AH. You need to have a face to face meeting with them and inform them in person that if they cannot treat them equally then they will not have access to either of them, and that if there are disparities during a visit, you will leave or unequalness in gifts, treats, or attention, access will be denied and the gifts donated," the person wrote.
Others thought OP's parents are entitled to their feelings.
Some believed no one is really being a jerk, just being human.
"NAH. I think you feeling this strongly absolutely makes sense. But I also feel your family being able to be excited about their first bio grandchild is just innocent excitement," one Redditor wrote. "Your niece came when she was two so there wasn't an infant stage. So long as they don't mention it in front of your niece and/or treat her different, it should level out.”
Others agreed.
"There are NAH here (for now). If your parents start to treat her poorly or showing blatant favoritism I would absolutely protect my child first. I (however) do not feel that people have the right to tell people how to feel about other people l. Regardless of how we feel about them," another comment reads.
"NAH Unfortunately, family isn't obligated to treat non-bio relatives the same as bio relatives," someone else wrote. "You and your husband made the choice to adopt her not your parents. Its not bad that they want to keep heirlooms within the bloodline and it's not bad that you want to protect your daughter."
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This situation is no fun.
Feelings were mixed on this one. Although most think OP had a right to be upset, a lot of people also think her parents had an equal right to their own feelings.
One person pointed out that Sarah is the most important part of this equation, and OP needs to remember that.
"As the parent of an adopted child who's the older sibling of a biological child, I'm happy Sarah has such good parents in you two, and she has you to champion her against the world," the person commented.
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