In 2022, we feel like it should be SUPER CLEAR there are some social rules about women’s bodies that we should all be smart enough to follow. No. 1: Don’t ask a woman when she’s due if you don’t know FOR SURE she’s pregnant. No. 2: Don’t mom-shame anyone for breastfeeding or choosing not to. No. 3: Don’t get all up in someone else’s business by asking them about their future reproductive plans or giving them pressure to start making grandbabies.
That last rule is one that seems like it can be the most challenging for some aspiring grandparents to follow, as happened to one recent poster to Reddit’s Am I the A–Hole forum. A woman (we’ll call her OP) wrote in to the forum because she’d recently flipped her lid and yelled at her future mother-in-law for being weirdly nosy about OP’s body and pregnancy plans, causing lots of family drama. Nobody loves to have mother-in-law drama before the wedding even happens, but this whole situation was a giant cluster, so let’s get into the mess!
'This is not the first time she has made me take a pregnancy test,' the future bride wrote.
First, the background: OP is 24 and has been told she is biologically unable to have kids because of some medical issues, including PCOS. As she shared, "I cannot have kids. It’s a fact that we have come to terms with even though it really hurts but we've moved on with our lives knowing that we can't have kids."
Even though OP has shared with her fiancé's family that she's unlikely to ever get pregnant, that hasn't stopped his mother from demanding she take pregnancy tests on multiple occassions, in the hopes there is a chance of a "miracle baby."
We should note here that it would be VERY reasonable to refuse to take a pregnancy test just because someone else demands it. But it sounds like OP's fiancé, who has been "a bit of a mama's boy" is still trying to figure out how to have boundaries with his mom, and that's bleeding into his relationship with OP.
It can be hard to realize pregnancy isn’t in the cards for someone who wants to be a mom, but it is even worse when a future MIL decides to ignore reality and apply 'give me babies' pressure.
OP explained that "a couple weeks back, my fiancé randomly said his mom noticed I gained a lot of weight (thanks PCOS) and thought I was pregnant. To appease her, he went out and bought a pregnancy test and told me that I didn't have to take it, but she wanted proof that he bought one. I took it, it was negative, and I told him that I'm not taking another test."
That seems like a pretty sane reaction (and a good way to save money on pregnancy tests that are always going to be negative), but OP’s future MIL didn’t see it that way.
"Later that night, he calls to tell her that I'm not going to take anymore tests and she immediately starts crying and saying that all she wants is for us to have kids so she can be a grandmother once again. She has four grandkids already. She knows I can't have kids."
Yikes on bikes.
And that’s when OP finally lost it.
"I finally snapped and told her that if she wanted one so badly, then she would be responsible for my fertility treatments, my medical bills, and funeral costs if I were to die during labor," she shared. "Now his family won't talk to him and said that I sent her into a deep depression."
Since that phone call, OP’s fiancé has been on the receiving end of multiple bouts of screaming and crying from his mother, to the point where he’s "called his brother and they both were able to tell her that she's being overly dramatic and her longing for more grandkids is not worth losing her son over."
So now everyone in OP’s fiancé's family is getting drawn into pregnancy test drama!
In an update to the original post, OP shared that her future MIL has "calmed down and apologized to him, but said she doesn't want to see me, which is fine because I told my fiancé that I don't feel comfortable seeing her until I can come to terms with everything. He is minimizing contact with her until everything settles down, even though I told him that I didn't want him to feel like he had to do that."
Please note that the MIL apologized to her son but not to OP — the person she is trying to make take pregnancy tests every time she thinks she looks a little chubbier! So, yeah, we’re going to go with a verdict that OP isn’t the a–hole in this situation and that she and her fiancé really need to set some major boundaries with his mother.
We’re not alone in that feeling, because many commenters seemed to agree.
As one Reddit commentator noted, "Your fiance needs to learn boundaries … he bought and had you take a pregnancy test because his mother said so … WOW! Your fertility/family planning are nobody's business besides you & future husband. As a couple, you and fiance together need to make it clear that this topic is not up for discussion/debate and stick to it."
Another commenter agreed, remarking "His mother 'wanted proof' that he bought a pregnancy test?!?!? What is this, the Middle Ages? You need to rethink marrying a guy who will kowtow to his mother's fantasies and expects you to magically churn her out more grandchildren.
"You're NTA, don't marry one, or the child of one," the commenter added. "And as for the 'deep depression' you've 'sent her into!' I bet, with a fainting couch, smelling salts, manufactured tears and a great deal of wailing and theatrical hysterics. Fluff that."
Fluff that indeed! Here’s hoping OP and her fiancé can figure out how to enjoy the rest of their engagement and eventually marriage in a drama-free zone.
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