When two adults get together, they rarely enter the relationship as blank slates, romantically speaking. Unless they are members of the Duggar family, it’s pretty normal that most people have experienced love and sex with other partners before getting married. Heck, more than one person has gotten married while still thinking of a past partner as "the one who got away." And although some insecurity around a romantic partner’s past might not be that unusual, we can all probably agree that impersonating our spouse online to prevent them from reconnecting with an ex is a one-way ticket on the hot mess express.
According to a letter writer to the Dear Prudence column, she’s already bought a ticket and boarded the hot mess express, and now she's wondering if she ought to tell her husband that she basically catfished his ex. The writer, who calls herself Shamefaced Snoop, aka SS, explained that her husband had an ex who was a "beautiful, sparkly, outgoing woman who swooped down and took his virginity when he was 27, dated him for six months, dumped him out of nowhere, and broke his heart."
Side note: Can we talk about the weird imagery of swooping down to take someone’s virginity? Is she a very sexy bird? Can’t we safely assume that, at the age of 27, he was probably pretty willing to have his virginity "taken" from him? There is a little sex-shaming vibe here and we’re not a fan.
SS has always felt insecure about this ex and claims her husband puts her "on a pedestal."
SS, who is pregnant with their second child, believes her husband "agonizes occasionally over losing" his ex, which, if true, is a REAL weird feeling to share with his wife!
So one night when SS was working on the computer she and her husband share, she was taken aback when she spotted an email coming in from the ex. In an impulse to be nosy that many of us can probably understand, she "skimmed the long message" and discovered that the ex was also maybe putting SS’s husband on a bit of a pedestal.
In the email, the ex "apologized for how she treated him, rambled on about her unloving parents, their nasty divorce, her abusive early relationships, mental illness, and drug problems, then told how she’d cleaned up, gotten into therapy and meditation, and now, heading into her late 30s, is desperate to become a mom. She said he was the only truly good man she’d ever known, and despite knowing he was already married and a father, she wanted to give their relationship a second chance."
Catfish mode activated!
After reading the message, SS went into instant digital catfish mode.
As she explained, "Almost without thinking, I replied as my husband, saying I was very happy in my marriage and to please never contact me again. Then I deleted the sent message, the original, and deleted them from the trash. I haven’t said a word to my husband, and as far as I know she hasn’t emailed him again."
It seems like she’s gotten away with it, but now the guilt is kicking in.
SS reached out to Dear Prudence because she’s feeling double guilty for snooping and for impersonating her husband and wondered if she should confess her digital misdeed.
R. Eric Thomas, the current Dear Prudence, came down on the side of telling the truth, advising that "it’s best for you to share with your husband the way you feel about his ex and the thing you ended up doing. The email that the ex sent is way over the line and indefensible. But there’s something about your response that you should pay attention to."
He thought she should spend a little time thinking about her email reply.
"Why did you immediately reply as your husband and then cover your tracks? Is there a part of you that worries that he might be too tempted?" the columnist wrote. "By talking openly with your husband about the thing that you did, you give your relationship the chance to not be further complicated by this insecurity."
However, there is a strong “don’t tell” contingent telling SS to never spill the beans.
The comments section was filled with people who hardcore disagreed with Thomas. As one replied, "Yeah this one time I'm going to let it go. I'd have done the same thing. Even if he's faithful, temptation is real, and best not to have his nostalgic self-pondering about what could have been.
"Block her in any way you can," the person continued. "And take that secret to the grave. Snooping is a no-no, but I think this worked out."
Another agreed, writing, "Nope, maybe it wasn’t the best thing you ever did but FFS this woman was trying to break up your marriage. You did what you did, never speak of it again."
Some commenters thought she did her husband a favor, bluntly noting that he needed to grow up.
"He does NOT need to be dealing with the woman who used him and hurt him to be soliciting him for sex because she's been sober for 15 minutes and wants a baybee," one person wrote. "He's being nostalgic about a relationship that never was, with a drugged out manipulator. I am firmly on the side of the wife here. And I wouldn't say a word about it. Problem solved."
This might be the first time a comment section rules in favor of an insecure catfisher!
