There is a lot that goes into a baby name. First, parents have to sift through literally thousands of names and agree if there's another parent in the picture. Then, cross-check the name with anyone in their family, any nicknames that may come from it, and have a genuine love of the name. The process isn't easy, and that's likely why parents can be so secretive about the name they're going to give their baby. They don't want opinions and they don't want anyone stealing the name.
Unfortunately, one mom (OP) is in a conflict with her sister, who recently welcomed a baby into the world. OP had boy/girl twins, but her daughter died shortly after birth. For some reason, her family – specifically her sister – doesn't have any empathy for her grief. That lack of empathy ended up hurting OP when her sister became a mom.
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OP wanted to get advice on a baby name conflict that sparked between herself and her sister. So she took to Reddit.
Posting to Reddit's AITA community, OP gave a quick summary of her relationship with her sister, which is very relevant to the issue. "I (29f) was pregnant with twins a few years ago. Unfortunately only one baby survived, a little boy who we called Henry, and my daughter who passed, we called her Daphne," she explained.
"Me and my sister were closer growing up but we drifted apart and there was rivalry on her part after I met my partner," she continued. "For example she hated that we got engaged before her (she has been with her partner for 3+ more years) and she threw a fit saying she wouldn't attend our wedding unless she was engaged too."
Her sister ended up getting what she wanted and "threw an engagement party on the night before my wedding."
More drama happened when OP announced she was pregnant.
OP shared that her sister didn't seem happy when she shared the news that she was expecting.
"When I announced my pregnancy she wasn't happy as I'd done another thing before her," OP explained, "but when my daughter died she seemed to be a lot nicer. Because of this change, we made her Henry's godparent."
Recently, OP's sister announced she was pregnant and she "refused to announce a name until a few days after birth."
OP explained that she was told her new niece was named "Theodora which is beautiful." She was excited for her sister, but she received unexpected news when she visited the new mom.
"I was bringing presents to her and saw my dad building a huge toy box with 'Daphne' on it," OP recalled. "When I questioned, I was told the baby is called Daphne & only Theodora on paper, no one will use full name, only her nickname. All my family knew and supported her."
OP, very understandably, got upset when she heard the baby's nickname.
"I got upset and started shouting," OP admitted, "asking if it was a cruel prank." It very well could have been, but OP's sister let her know she was very serious about making the baby name move.
"She came out and told me to f— off, I don't own a name and she liked it since my baby's funeral," OP shared. "My family are on her side and say why do I care? My baby is not here so there is no confusion and don't see why I caused a scene and ruined a happy time and why can't I be happy for her."
Her family also called her "petty and cruel." OP said her family insisted she apologize to her sister, but she doesn't want to.
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OP thinks her sister felt nothing for her when her daughter died.
"I do think she was happy in my misfortune," OP wrote. "Hindsight is great, I did not want to think the worst at the time, but I was very, very ill. Doctor told my husband I may die So they delivered the children early."
Her sister had some strange advice for OP's husband at the time.
"She told him she could take the babies if I died as he would not cope alone," she recalled. "Fortunately I survived but I lost my child in the process. I do think she felt happy in this to see me suffer."
OP wrote that she and her sister have always had a strange dynamic.
"She has always had rivalry with me," OP explained. "I do not understand why, I don't make competition but she always has been the golden child."
And the sister isn't very subtle about it. "When I started dating my partner, she took him away from dancing with me at my birthday to tell him she thinks he would be better suited with someone like her, not like me," OP wrote. "That she takes better care of her looks, has a better job (she does not think my job counts as it is working with disabled children) etc. She was in the relationship at the time. So she always made it known I do not deserve the things I have."
OP wanted to hear some perspective on what happened, so she asked people on Reddit if she's in the wrong.
One Redditor chimed in to tell OP she's not the one being a jerk. "Especially her saying that she liked the name since your daughter's funeral," the person wrote. "From all the names in the world, she chose this one and worst part is, it's not even the official name for the baby. I wonder if she didn't [choose] that name to hurt you."
"I'd cut the whole d— family off after that, that is not only insanely disrespectful, but I am actually disgusted by your family's reaction to your daughters passing," someone else wrote. "'She isn't here so there's no confusion'? uh, yeah, cuz she died at birth??? your family obviously has a favorite and I'm sorry that it isn't you."
"I would never ever speak with her or anyone supporting her. Gosh, what absolute cruelty," wrote another person. "They cannot see why reminding you constantly of your dead baby is not ok? OP, surely you can do better. These people have all chosen your sister over basic, common decency. Appalling."
"She not only stole a name that must be from your most painful time on earth, but lied to you about it," someone else shared. "You would be justified in avoiding this cruel sister in perpetuity. It's also very disappointing that your family offered her support for this deceitful decision."
We know that no one owns a name, but there is something different about a baby who died that should make it off-limits to the grieving person's inner circle. Or at least it should be.
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