An excerpt from the very funny book Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us by Laurie Kilmartin, Karen Moline, Alicia Ybarbo & Mary Ann Zoellner. Reprinted with permission by Abrams Image.
Worst Childrenâs Book: The Giving Tree vs. Love You Forever
Any mom who follows the parenting model of the protagonist in Shel Silversteinâs The Giving Tree is creating a monster. An entitled asshole who will expect the women in his life to allow themselves to be dismembered in the pursuit of his temporary happiness.
Mothers of sons: Remember, you are raising our daughtersâ boyfriends and husbands. Please donât let our girls hook up with a jerk who thinks heâs special because he does the dishes once a month. Put down The Giving Tree and pick up Curious George. If our daughters must get knocked up, let it be by a gentle animal lover who has a good job.
Mothers of daughters: Protest at any bookstore that sells this douchebag manifesto. Demand that it come with a warning label: âReading this book may cause your son to expect someone else to fold his laundry for the rest of his single life.â
As bad as The Giving Tree is, itâs a thousand times better than Robert Munschâs Love You Forever, a most deceptive chilÂdrenâs book. The cover looks harmless enough: a 2-year-old, raising hell in the bathroom. It starts fine, with Mother singÂing a sweet lullaby to her baby about loving him forever. Yup, done that. Now we witness the passage of time. Two pages later, Mother crawls into her young sonâs bedroom and spies on him as he sleeps. Aside from the crawling, she is still in normal territory.
This continues as the boy turns 9. The reader is beginning to feel slightly uncomfortable. How long can Mother keep this up?
No need to wonder. Turn the page. Guess who just snuck into her teenage sonâs bedroom for a late-night cuddle? Quick, call the police! A horrible Oedipal relationship is in the making. Everyone knows that when teenage boys go to bed, they donât sleep. They masturbate. Relentlessly, all night long, until their fingers break off. Then they switch hands. Then they use their feet. Even zoo monkeys are appalled. Any mother who sneaks up on her teenage son when he thinks he is alone in the dark is going to be hit by cross fire.
(Tip: Stay out of your teenage sonâs room until he goes to colÂlege. Then enter it with a power washer and safety goggles.)
Oh, the storyâs not over. Instead of just embracing the empty nest, Mother takes to stalking her son and his new family. (The sonâs wife, meanwhile, is nowhere to be found. He probably stabbed her to death, as he screamed over and over again, âLeave me alone, Mother!â) On the last page, Mother is presumed dead, and the son sings to his own baby.
Despite the insanity, you will be sobbing. Love You Forever reminds you that children get old, and so do their parentsâbut not before every possible emotional boundary is crossed.
Thanks, book! Letâs see … Itâs Tuesday night, you had a long day at work, and you got home late. You had a total of 45 minutes with your kid tonight, and the last five of it was a grim warning that everyone you love will die.
You wonât sleep tonight, and it wonât be because youâre masturbating.
Remember: Nobody dies in Goodnight Moon.
Image via Sh*tty Mom
