Happy Father's Day! I hope you're all spending time with the fathers and grandfathers in your lives. I'll be calling my dad and brothers, who all live far away. If you haven't mailed off a card or bought a special gift yet (for the guy who never seems to need anything), I've got something you can send instead: Poetry. Yes, this is what your dear old dad wants most of all in this world, some goofy poem someone else wrote. Oh, but you can pretend you wrote it yourself — I won't tell.
And just so it sounds like it really came from you, I've got a different poem for every kind of kid. I, um, may have semi-plagiarized a few famous poems just a little bit for inspiration. But take your pick!
From the Kid Who Has 100 Different Activities Every Week
Because I could not drive myself
You kindly drove for me
The minivan held only ourselves
Or sometimes the whole family —
We slowly drove — you knew no haste
To soccer and to Girl Scouts, too
And my spelling bee
Thanks for driving me everywhere, Dad.
From the Fashionista
You grow old, you grow old
Why do you, like, still wear your pants rolled?
I'm embarrassed to be seen with you, but I still love you, Daddy!
From the Sports Fanatic
June is the cruellest month
Little league out of the dugout, mixing
With summer football clinics, stirring
Soccer tournaments with summer rain
Thanks for going to all my games, Dad!
From the Kid Who Is Always in Trouble
And my ass, it is always in detention, still is sitting, still is sitting
Or in my bedroom, just down the hall from yours and mom's
And my mind still has all the scheming of a demon's that is dreaming
Yet I am in lockdown, all because of that science lab bomb
When will this accursed grounding be lifted?
Quoth my dad, Nevermore!
Thanks for the tough love, Dad.
From the Toddler
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats above my surpise-filled diaper
When all at once I saw a cookie
A plate of golden cookies
In the kitchen, on the counter
Mommy said "no"
But you, my sweet, easily manipulated fool, said yes
After I screamed for 30 minutes straight and started turning blue
Thanks for the cookie, Daddy! (Sucker)
Image via Jim, the Photographer/Flickr
