My youngest child is 6 years old, so it's been a while since I have personally experienced the giddy, barfy early days of pregnancy. Still, there's something about the first trimester that has a way of lingering in the old memory bank, am I right? You'd think Mother Nature would have designed us to sort of ease into things, gestationally speaking, but NOOOOO.
Before I got pregnant for the first time, I knew the basics about what to expect while expecting … but I could never have truly been prepared for the reality of it. I know everyone's different, but here's my take on the 8 things that surprised me the most about the first trimester.
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The pooping. Specifically, the LACK THEREOF.
I know there's a biological reason for why your body's digestive system slows to a crawl during pregnancy, but that doesn't make it any less unpleasant.
The bloodhound sense of smell.
Oh hey is someone cooking chicken 40 miles out of town? Is your husband's gym shirt inside his bag inside his car's trunk? Is there used cat litter anywhere in the entire world? You are ON IT. Next up on Pregnancy Nose Detective: oh my god that lady's perfume, oh my GOD.
The narcolepsy.
You heard about fatigue, but people forgot to mention that this isn't anything like being tired. This is more like you've been hit with a triple dose of elephant tranquilizer while being simultaneously punched in the face by Mike Tyson.
The disgusting cravings.
Why do people always joke about pickles and ice cream? That's not even all that weird of a food combination compared to lots of pregnancy cravings. When I was expecting my first son, I lusted after those grody beige tubes of liverwurst, which I ate with mountains of green olives. When pregnant with my second son, I crumbled graham crackers into glasses of milk and shotgunned the resulting sludge.
The weird dreams. The weird, SEXY dreams.
Raise your hand if your pregnancy dreams were like an NC-17 David Lynch movie, complete with primary colors, naked dwarves, and disturbing sexual positions. No? Oh … yeah, me neither.
The insanely sensitive breasts.
You knew they'd probably get bigger, but did you know they would transform into turgid globes of pure discomfort, so sensitive that you have to restrain yourself from slapping your ogling husband because YOU CAN FEEL HIS GAZE?
The farting. Dear god, the FARTING.
I just … oh man. So terrible. Like having the entire horn section of an orchestra crammed up your rear end, and all the players just drank seven espresso shots.
The pregnancy brain.
Whether it's caused by hormones, your changing body, or the fact that 90 percent of your concentration is focused on the person who's about to join your life, your brain is pretty much useless during the first trimester. The good news is that I hear things really start improving when your baby is 18 and off to college.
