If you were to check out my Instagram feed, you'd see my smiling twins, delicious looking meals I actually cooked, and enviable pics from vacations. It's not the everyday slog, it's the beautiful memories I want to savor and share. But in between those snapshots are real life tantrums, my house looking like a bomb went off, and all the shortcuts I take to keep us fed and clothed and mostly on time. Those are my dirty little secrets but I'm not even ashamed, because you know what? The Sea of Momming is deep, and if you don't learn to ride waves and tread water, you're fish food. Every mom has her own little tips, tricks, and not-so-perfect moments. So in the spirit of full disclosure, here are all the ways I'm so not winning Mother of the Year.
1. I sometimes run out of milk for the children, but I never (ever) run out of half and half for my coffee.
I figure they can use the calories, right? So I give them the half and half cut with a little water. Problem solved.
2. I read books to my kids, sure, but my choices are ... unique.
Mostly murder mystery, with some thriller. Sweet dreams, kids!
3. I frequently forget to put shoes on my children.
But I do steer them away from broken glass. It's the least I can do.
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4. One of their first words? "Cheers!"
Hey, at least it's not a cuss word.
5. When Daddy's out of town, we have cold pizza and Credence Clearwater Revival for breakfast.
Because one day they may go to college, and they'll need this life skill. I'm preparing them for the future.
6. My girls have a base tan to rival Spring Break 1985.
Sunscreen? What sunscreen?
7. I've given up trying to use cutesy bows to tame their wild hair.
Now I just apply a thick fog of hair spray and call it a day.
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8. My house is like a penitentiary: a series of gates, pens, and locks.
There is no escape. Sorry not sorry if it doesn't look "nice."
9. My twins are 2, but I still won't let them have pillows and blankets.
I'm afraid they'll smother, and I can't afford to lose any sleep, even if this is irrational.
10. I don't bathe them, Daddy does.
If they're a little slimy in between baths, I've got a giant case of wipes from Costco.
11. I may or may not have sprayed champagne all over the stroller one time.
And I may have been using a sippy cup to roadie said champagne. A mom's got to do what a mom's got to do.
