Countless things change when you become a parent, but nothing as much as pooping does for moms. Not only is your body physically recovering while still trying to pass that bowel movement, but your bathroom time is no longer your own. Many moms know the pooping-in-peace struggle yet don't talk about it, but that's not stopping one hysterical mama from naming it: the mythical mom poop.
Aussie mom-of-six Krechelle explained that pooing as a mom is like any regular poo, except that it never actually happens when you want it to. "I literally don't have time to poo. It gives 'not giving a sh*t' whole new meaning," the blogger wrote on her Facebook page, Eightathome. "So you hold and you hold and then you become constipated but you can't cry because somebody's probably watching you poo. So you cry on the inside like a winner. And then you get hemorrhoids."
When that coffee-induced feeling strikes before you have kids, you simply go to the bathroom. However, once you have little ones, the routine drastically changes. "Then you have these tiny people that you have to watch always. So I always poo with the door slightly ajar," she wrote. "You're [welcoming] visitors. And right when I [am] about to get some action (of the bowel variety) someone runs through screaming telling me my three-year-old has scaled a bookcase and is drinking vodka. FML."
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However, the unwelcome company and distractions aren't the only things that pain moms as they struggle to do their business after holding it in for so long. "Oh hemorrhoids you wonderful beautiful things. Butt cherries … again giving 'bubble butt' a whole new meaning and I'm not being gansta," she wrote. "It's where your butt actually says hello to you. It's an anal high five. Parenthood: it's magical."
But that's not to say that moms are never able to sh*t. As luck would have it, it's usually at the worst possible moment that you're finally able to go and simply can't stop once you opened those packed flood gates. "Because you ate spicy food. Because you drank a bottle of wine. Because you had gluten and dairy and all the things that used to do nothing are now [an] internal flick of your poo switch," she wrote.
Yes, husbands can leisurely disappear for 20 minutes during a relaxing bathroom break, but moms typically are never that lucky — no matter how badly they need it. "It's been proven that your gut has links to being stressed … and I mean what's more stressful than being a mom," she wrote. "So every mom out there is basically screwed."
Which is exactly why Krechelle is getting real about her experiences — because she knows she's not alone on the poo-struggle boat. "Right now I'm stuck inside with six children on a 42 degree day, for 10 hours when everyone has given up napping. Which is why I'm on the toilet writing this right now," she added. "Ohhhh sorry Susan [you're] too classy to use your phone on the toilet; liar … And I figure if my six children touch my phone, it's not getting any dirtier at this point; they are tiny bacterial germ incubators."
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And just in case people think that the mom-bathroom woes are only about not being able to poo, Krechelle is here to point out that the problem hits on both ends of the spectrum. "I've literally sh*t my pants before. Not before becoming a mum. Oh no. But now I have; you tiny blessings," she wrote. "I thought that the spinach smoothie was not sitting right and I thought I could hold it in, because I had four children in a trolley in Woolworths and how the f*ck do I poo with four children and a trolley and still hold on to my dignity. You can't."
Krechelle learned that lesson the hard way by then proceeding to sh*t herself at the store. "It was definitely not a high moment, however it happens," she wrote. "My body was literally like, 'what the f*ck Krechelle, you've carried six children, your muscles are hanging on by a thread and you thought you could hold in a spinach poo.' Anything else you'd like to do, like a cart-wheel? You f*cking hero."
So after owning up to her poonamis and giving a dose a mom truth, Krechelle hopes that people understand the unpredictable battle that moms wage. "I'll just end this by saying: Good luck with your poos. May they be swift and convenient, every mum's real dream," she added.
