A dad on the Internet is seriously concerned about the daughter that he shares with is after ex-wife after finding out she refuses to put a stop to her other teen daughter's relationship with a 22-year-old man. The concerned father wrote in to an advice column about his dilemma and explained that not only does he feel this relationship has put his 14-year-old ex-stepdaughter in a dangerous position, but it also puts the 11-year-old daughter that he shares custody with at risk too.
The worried dad wrote that he cannot get on board with his ex letting is stepdaughter "date" such an older man and it's causing bigger problems.
In a live chat with Slate's Daniel Mallory Ortberg, the anonymous dad shared with Dear Prudence that although he shares an 11-year-old daughter with his ex-wife, it's his ex-stepdaughter that he still cares deeply about who he believes needs intervention — before it's too late for both girls. The 14-year-old is dating a guy who is 22, which "is clear statutory rape in our state," but her mother doesn't seem to care and actually encourages it. In fact, the dad's caught her "bragging" about the relationship.
"I don’t want him spending the night; I don’t want him around either of the girls. My stepdaughter doesn’t want to listen to me anymore (I raised her from age 8), and my ex doesn’t think I get to 'mouth off' about her mothering skills," he wrote. "She thinks birth control is for 'sluts,' but having a grown man sleep in her teenage daughter’s bed is perfectly innocent."
The dad seems to be coming from a place of love and is just worried that if things don't change, not only is his ex stepdaughter going to wreck her life but also that it's putting his biological daughter at risk.
That's because the 22-year-old brings his friends around the house and they've started to make "sexual comments" to his 11-year-old.
According to dad, his 11-year-old mentioned to him that she feels uncomfortable when the guys come over and say "sexual" things about her. Which of course worries her dad too. "She dislikes it, and I am ready to go to back to court … I have enough evidence (texts and emails) where I could bury my ex, but it would leave my stepdaughter alone," he wrote. "I love her, and she called me Dad until a year ago. How do I save both of them?"
Surprisingly, some people thought it was NBD that mom was cool with her young teen having sleepovers with a 22-year-old boyfriend.
Some said that they had dated an older guy when they were around her age and argued that it was fine. But does that really make it okay??
Another person also wasn't as concerned with age, sharing that they met their spouse when they were 16 and he was 20 years old.
And another person wrote that when they were the stepdaughter's age, they also dated older guys:
"it was actually pretty routine for my 14- and 15-year-old friends to date guys in their 20s. Their parents seemed ok with it, which seems odd now, but I would personally be hesitant to call child services over it," they added. "If anything, it will lead to further estrangement and she may find ways to see the older boyfriend anyway. And does this guy deserve to be on a sex offender list? I definitely think it's messed up and don't think it's 'ok,' but it's still a tough call about involving law enforcement, IMHO."
But many more people agreed that this situation was an emergency.
Those on the other side feel strongly that this dad needs to get the kids away from mom ASAP. And none of them think it's okay for a 14-year-old to be dating a guy in his 20s.
And people weren't afraid to call it like they see it: There's no reason for a 20-something man to be "sleeping" with a 14-year-old.
Another commenter wrote that when they were 16 "the 21-year-old friend of a friend started asking me out. For about a minute, it made me feel very grown up/mature. Then I started thinking 'Why in the world would an adult be interested in dating a teen? This guy must be a loser.'"
Someone else wrote that the dad needed to "Take this woman (his ex) to court YESTERDAY."
And a third person thought the dad needs to lay down the law. "[He] should let the boyfriend know that if he doesn't immediately cut off contact with the ex-stepdaughter, then he will be calling the police," the user wrote.
As for the advice columnist, Ortberg believes there's only one way to handle the situation.
Get the police involved. Now. There is no reason that a 22-year-old should be dating someone who's 14, period.
If the ex-wife isn't going to stick up for her daughter, then he needs to be the one to do it.
Ortberg explained that although some situations call for nuance, this was absolutely not one of them. "This man should be in prison," he wrote. "It doesn’t matter that this girl is your 'ex'-stepdaughter or that she 'doesn’t want to listen' to you anymore; she is not an adult who needs to be reasoned with, she is a child who needs to be protected from a predator and a rapist," he wrote.
He also recommended that the dad fight for sole custody of his 11-year-old daughter "because your ex’s house is not a safe place for little girls."
