The decision to adopt is a big one, and it goes without saying that every couple should be on the same page before they take the leap. But one man on Reddit says he and his wife are so at odds over it all, it's causing some major friction in their marriage. In fact, things have gotten so bad, that he claims his wife is withholding sex until he agrees to her terms — and let's just say, tensions between the two are escalating.
According to the anonymous post, the couple have been married for five years and already have two children together.
Now that their sons are 4 and 2, his wife is ready to once more add to their family, but she's been bringing up adoption more and more lately — something she's wanted to do for years.
"My wife has brought up in the past about adopting a kid from Africa, but that was something we talked about doing when our children had fully grown, like maybe in our late 50s," the man explained. "And I entertained the idea but I always said it would be something we would get back to."
Well, apparently, the time is nigh for his wife.
Given the current social climate in the United States, the man now says his wife is "dead set" on adopting a black child.
"Also she doesn't want an African kid anymore but African American [child]," he pointed out, noting that his wife has been donating to a lot of different causes lately, but still feels she needs to do more.
"She has brought up adopting more and more and I told her that I am not comfortable doing that," he continued. "She said that the only way we can ensure our children aren't going to have racist biases is if they have a family member that is also black, and that it will help us be more aware of our own biases."
But the husband believes his wife is taking things a bit too far.
"For me, I am okay with activism and have done my part, but this is too much for me," he explained.
In fact, the whole thing has made him realize one (very) important thing: He's not so sure he's comfortable with adopting in general. And he certainly doesn't think he should do it for the reasons his wife wants to.
"I want my kids to be biologically mine, especially since we are both healthy enough to do it," he continued. "And I don't think adoption should be used as a political or social cause, and only if you are both 100% set on doing it."
Apparently, he's tried to bring these feelings up to his wife, but the conversation never goes well.
"I have tried to talk to my wife, but it seems that she has gotten more and more strict on this," he wrote. "She called me a racist. I said I don't want to adopt a white baby either, I just want to have my own kids. And honestly, it just has deteriorated at this point, we no longer sleep in the same bed anymore. She told me she is disgusted with me and thought she married better."
(Ouch.)
Recently, the wife made her feelings even more clear ...
"She told me that she won't sleep with me anymore until I agree with adopting a baby [–] that she can't share her body with a racist," the husband shared.
(Ohhh, SNAP!)
The situation has been going on for about a month, and it's gotten so tense he's not sure where to go from here.
"My wife has really self-isolated with only people that hold more extreme views than her," he went on. "She has already cut off some of our friends because she was disgusted by their beliefs. She barely even talks to her mom. For me, at this point, I talk to her mom and sister more than her."
(Yikes.)
A lot of people were in the dad's corner, and believed that his wife needs to check herself.
For one thing, they said, her motives seem to be a bit misguided.
"First of all, using a random black kid as a 'teaching tool' for your other kids (and presumably also so your wife can claim to not be racist) is …. racist," one person commented. "Second of all, withholding sex/using sex as a bargaining chip is incredibly manipulative. That is not how grown adult people do things. If you cannot get her into couples therapy to discuss this, I’d reconsider all of it. This is not a partnership, she is trying to turn it into a dictatorship."
"This was my first reaction too!" someone else chimed in. "An adopted child is a person, not a tool to make your family less racist. It is not their responsibility to educate you!"
The same person also argued it sounds like the wife "doesn't want to take responsibility for educating her children and herself about racism, and instead wants to use a black child as a prop to make her family seem 'diverse.'"
When you put it that way … it sure does sounds like that.
"People with black friends or family members can still be racist," the person continued. "It's our job to educate ourselves and our children on systematic racism and bias. To assume having a black person (a child no less!) in the home will automatically do that for us is to misunderstand how racism works, and to put an unfair burden on this child."
In fact, a lot of people were stunned by how the wife's attempts at being progressive were kind of backfiring.
Apparently this kind of thing has been going on for a least a century now — and it has a name.
"Has your wife been introduced to the 'white savior' concept?" one person asked. "She isn't being progressive, she's been sh—y and using a child of color as a political prop. Adopting is great and an amazing option, but being adamant about the race of the child you are adopting completely defeats the point of selflessly helping a child in need."
As for his wife's decision to withhold sex? People were pretty floored by that one, too.
"Tell her that you won't have sex with her if she doesn't want to, but withholding affection is not only terribly unhealthy, but won't work," one person wrote.
"It's strange how what she wants takes priority, and not something you decide on together," someone else said. "Sexual blackmail indicates a disturbing world view."
Yet another person agreed, adding this:
"I would tell her that it's definitely her choice, and that you do not want to have sex with her if she doesn't want to have sex with you. But that if there is a problem in your relationship, it needs to be TALKED about like adults. You want to have your piece heard by her, not just ignored in the name of manipulation. You don't have to be having sex during that process, but she cannot try to force you into doing what she wants you to by holding back sex/affection/agreed upon finances/etc."
In the end, many people thought there are some deeper issues at play here -- ones that could make or break the marriage.
As for how to solve those, though … well, people couldn't quite agree.
"You should definitely see a marriage counselor to act as a mediator," one person advised. "It may also help to find an African-American counselor as well."
However, others thought the man should try talking to his wife on his own once more, and approach the situation by trying to diffuse the tension between them.
"Don't turn this in to a marital counseling issue unless you want to lose her," one person wrote. "Focus on her misguided well intentioned thinking and help educate her. Be kind to her, you're her only real support right now."
Here's hoping these two navigate their way through this thing as best they can — and land on the same page in the end.
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