There is no playbook for a parent who has lost a child. There is no right way to cope, to grieve, or to "move on." One thing is for certain: Any parent who lost a child will be dealing with that loss for the rest of their lives.
One man, who fathered a son young and lost him just after his 10th birthday, is getting the chance to be a father again nearly five years later. The problem is, he recently just told his pregnant wife for the first time that he had a son and she's beyond distraught.
The 36-year-old man began his story by explaining that 15 years ago, he and his girlfriend at the time had a son.
"At 8 he developed a lot of health issues and died a month after his tenth birthday," he explained in a Reddit post. "It changed me. [H]er and I broke up, I moved out of state, got addicted, cleaned myself up and went to school. On the way I met my now wife whose 29. I'm happy with life again but never does a day go by I don't think about my son and wish he was still with me."
With his now wife due in October, the man says they are both a mixed bag of emotions, but him especially so.
"I'd be lying if I said I'm not nervous and extra emotional because this has made me think a lot more about my son," he confessed.
"I've never told my wife about him. She knows I was an addict once. She knows about my ex. But, never once have I mentioned my son. I've tried to tell her, so many times, but I just can't. At one point it was so far into our relationship I thought it would risk it if I admitted it. I thought she would be angry because I kept it for so long."
That changed when his wife posted something about their future child on Facebook and one of his old friends posted about his son in the comments.
"I finally admitted the truth and she had a breakdown," he wrote. "She left for a hotel. I've talked to family and friends about it, most agree I did nothing wrong, it's just her emotions, but some have been honest and can see why she's hurt. They think I broke her trust."
Now the man wants to know if he was totally wrong for keeping this fact hidden from her.
Users were honest with the dad, but also gentle and empathetic about his new reality.
"I understand how hard this must have been for you," qualified one user. "But this is something that will affect your relationship with this child and she needed to know. Additionally depending on what your first child died from there could be a genetic factor that she needed to know about. This is the worst possible way for her to have found out. Not only is this publicly humiliating for her but she feels betrayed by you keeping this from her (lie by omission) and is probably scared for her baby and their future."
Others, although sorry for him, also wrote that no matter what he was feeling, disclosing this information was vital.
"I'm so sorry about what happened to your son," wrote one user. "I firmly believe sharing your life with your partner. You wish your son was still around and think about him everyday, but you didn't share such an important part of yourself with her? I can only imagine how emotional and traumatic losing a child can be and not wanting to relive that, but I suppose I just don't understand why you never told her. Communication is key."
Although the dad admits he should have told her, it is hard for him to explain why he didn't.
"I always wanted to, I just couldn't," he wrote. "Then one day we were a year or 2 in and I knew if I told her then I would break her heart. The trust would be gone. She'd see me differently… I just knew it would change things and I didn't want that. I didn't want her to feel betrayed."
Here's to hoping that the couple can weather this and enjoy their baby to come.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
