Whether you're a spouse or a parent, relationships of all kinds require trust. A man on Reddit has decided that his ex-wife's breach of trust should translate to stepping out of his 5-year-old's life. He came to this conclusion after learning from his ex that their son is not biologically his. The original poster (OP) recently shared his soap opera-level saga on the Am I the A–hole subreddit.
The OP explained that he and his ex have been divorced for two years.
"Our child has a dark complexion and brown eyes, even though my wife and I are both very pale and have blue eyes," noted the OP. "It was a bit surprising for me, but I never really gave the idea that this child was not my own any serious consideration."
Three years after their child was born, they split up. "Our divorce was unpleasant but all things considered, not nearly as bad as it could have been," he noted. "There was no infidelity or any irredeemable mistake by either party, just two people who no longer wanted to be together. We share custody but my son lives primarily with my ex-wife and her boyfriend."
As "the boy has gotten older," the OP shared, "his features have almost entirely diverged from mine, and he now looks absolutely nothing like me."
The OP wrote that nonetheless, he thought nothing of it — until a couple of weekends ago when he made a joke to his ex-wife that people will think he kidnapped his son because of how different they look.
"She then bursts into tears and admits that the child is most likely not my own," recalled the OP.
"I am absolutely stunned and didn't interrupt her once as she spilled an entire saga of her cheating on me with her current boyfriend around the time we were trying to get pregnant. I thought I was going to throw up when I heard and immediately left her home. I don't know if I can ever go back or ever see 'my son' again. I feel emasculated and deeply betrayed by my ex-wife. My wife insists that I remain a part of this 'family,' despite all of the deceit."
The OP elaborated that his ex even rubbed salt in the wound, calling him a deadbeat dad for leaving.
"She claims that even after all she's done to me, I am the a–hole," wrote the OP. "I know none of this is my son's fault, and I still care a great deal about his well-being, but I just don't think I can be a father to a child that is not my own, especially when the child's actual father is fully in his life. I feel like an unnecessary appendage in this relationship, and I refuse to be humiliated any further."
He clarified that he plans on doing an official DNA test before making "any lasting decisions." He then turned it over to the Reddit community, asking if he's in the wrong for potentially stepping away.
The majority of Redditors determined that the OP was, in fact, not the jerk here.
"After you take the DNA test, think things through," wrote one commenter. "If it's positive, it may just be that there are recessive genes that lead to kids looking different than their parents (think eye color and stuff like that). If it's not your child, think about what you want. You have no obligation whatsoever to this kid, and you are by no means the a–hole. It is your ex's fault, because no matter what, she always knew there was a possibility the kid wasn't yours and she lied to you for years."
Another Redditor noted, "The gall of her calling you a deadbeat when she KNOWINGLY committed paternity fraud."
Still, others urged the OP to think about how the 5-year-old will feel.
"That boy didn't ask to be born," wrote one Redditor. "He didn't ask for any of this. He knows who you are, you’ve been his dad his whole life and you’re just gonna walk out on him now? F—ing heartless. You're just gonna pretend you don't love him and he doesn't love you because your wife cheated on you?"
One person thought everyone was at fault.
"Your ex is obviously an a–hole for lying, but you would be abandoning a child who considers you their father," the person commented. "Are you willing to inflict trauma on an innocent child because you feel 'emasculated' and 'humiliated'? Compare that to your son feeling abandoned and unloved. Even if her boyfriend decides to be a part of his life now, that does not erase your role in raising him up to this point."
In the comments, the OP weighed in, offering details on his possible next steps.
"This won't be a clean cut if the test does in fact reveal that I am not the father," he noted. "I will talk to him and try and explain things in a kid-friendly way, which will be challenging. He already loves my wife's bf almost like a father, as he's been in his life since he can most likely remember. I want him to have a good life with them, and I believe that will be easier with me out of the picture, as heart-wrenching as that is."
Here's hoping this whole family finds a workable solution that puts their child's well-being first.
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