One Letter Writer (LW) who wrote in to the Care and Feeding advice column is so relatable to parents across the country. After months on end spent staying at home in quarantine, the parent became more and more lax with the kids: later bedtimes, more screen time, and, of course, extra snacks. We know we've certainly been indulging with a little more self-care — but recently we've had the exact same worry that the LW has — after fully embracing the pandemic lifestyle, is there any way to rein it in?
The big difference between ourselves and the LW is that it's the kids that have gone completely "feral" during quarantine.
As a letter explained, the anonymous parent and his or her husband have become more lax with their 6- and 9-year-old children "pretty much ever since schools shut down in March."
"There was a little bit of learning, but certainly not much," the LW admitted.
And then summer happened.
That's when the rules really started to fray at the seams.
"Later bedtimes. More screen time. Less daily reading. Spoonful of cookie butter before dinner? Sure, why not. Then some more screen time," the LW recounted.
The LW's husband is an essential worker.
The LW is working from home while staying with the kids. But still, both parents are stressed and anxious, which caused them to "underparent."
"We're just too tired to be enforcers," the LW wrote. "And while I get that we're all relaxing the rules, this feels extreme."
Now the LW and the husband are trapped in a cycle of shame about how lax they've let their kids become.
Quite frankly, they're overwhelmed.
"School is starting in a few weeks (100 percent remote for the first two months at least) and I have a pit in my stomach every time I think about it," the LW explained. "How do we get this family back on track?"
The LW wasn't the only one to admit having kids who had gone wild during the pandemic.
"The inmates are running the asylum, here," one commenter admitted. "Hubby and I are both essential healthcare, kids are old enough not to have a sitter, but certainly aren't adults (and even most adults have trouble working from home) so, very little schooling done here. Kids usually up after I've gone to bed. I'm holding on with my fingernails for our in person learning starting in a few weeks. I can't imagine continuing on in this structureless way any longer."
"Yeah join the club!" someone else wrote. "Pandemic parenting is not great parenting, let's be real. In my case, lots more screen time. We need to get through, and this won't be over ANY time soon."
A third commenter had this to say:
"Too overwhelmed to parent: yeah. Let me just say that I felt this. We brought home our third from the hospital 6 weeks before lockdown and we have a 2-year-old and a 5-year-old to get through virtual K last year. 2-year-old went through a period where he threw his food at every meal, no matter what we tried. He's doing much better now. Thank goodness the baby slept/sleeps fairly well. These times. 2020. What a year."
Some people had some good advice for the parents.
"To mom of feral kids, don't panic," one person wrote in. "Kids actually understand special circumstances and this just was an extended summer because life was difficult. Sit them down and say school is coming back and we need to get back in the swing of things. And we need to not slack off our digital learning this time because unlike before when we were sliding into summer we will be sliding into regular school so you want to be on top of things. Plus we've had time to get used to this new world, even if we don't like it."
Someone else agreed with explaining the situation to kids, writing this:
"Your kids are 9 and 6 so they are getting to the point where they are old enough to understand school changes things with some explanations. I would first start with a family meeting, and a sticker chart. You can start out small. Set a bed time, read a few books a week, a few chores. You can start with maybe three things on the sticker chart the first few weeks and keep adding. If there is anything that can make things fun, like incorporating reading into a daily routine, buying new pjs and books for bedtime to make things special.
While you try to gradually move them into the school year make things fun but don't sugar coat things. Let them know you understand that it's going to be difficult going from 9 months of summer to getting back into school, but you believe in them. Be prepared for a lot of tears and exhaustion. It won't be easy, but you've got this!"
Columnist Nicole Cliffe agreed -- there was definitely a way to get things back on track.
First things first: The LW's kids are definitely old enough to understand that things need to change.
She recommended the LW tell their kids this: "Guys, we're going to be moving back to more of a schedule soon, so we're going to start working on a few things to make the transition smoother."
It's not going to be fun, but the kids can understand that there are different rules for the new school year.
"I don't know how lax bedtimes have gotten, but lots of families are more chill about summer bedtimes, and kids can understand that 'the school year' has different rules, however weird and artificial this 'school year' will be for you for the next while," Cliffe wrote.
The LW should start tapering down screen time and start switching over to books and non-screen activities now, she advised.
"The more you can proactively talk about getting ready for fall, the easier it will be on everyone," she continued.
She recommended that the LW make poster-board schedules with the kids. "Stickers and some school supplies go a long way," she wrote.
And then let go of the pandemic parenting guilt.
"Don't beat yourself up about the March-August slide into chaos. It's happened," she continued. "Pretend to be excited about the fall, and you might just fool yourself into getting a little stoked about the artificial fresh start. It'll be easier to fool the kids."
