People come to motherhood in all sort of ways — and there’s certainly no shame in being a single mother. But one woman sent commenters on Mumsnet into a tailspin after she questioned whether marriage was all that necessary and further divided the comments section when she shared that all she really wants is to be a single mother by choice.
The woman started her Mumsnet post with a strong declaration: “I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.”
The Original Poster had three big reasons for why she thought getting married was a bad idea: She is well-educated, “so don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.” She has money and is saving up enough to buy her own house “and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).” And finally, she already has a plan for how she’ll manage work and motherhood.
“I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after six months to one year,” she explained in her post.
She also had other “more emotional” reasons for not wanting to get married.
“It’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control women's sexuality (my opinion),” she wrote.
“I don’t like the idea of becoming ‘Mrs’ someone else’s last name,” she added.
She also thought that weddings were boring and the idea of spending thousands on one day seemed like a complete waste.
“I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected, and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children,” she continued.
The OP also thought there could be some real pros of solo parenting.
She could parent any way she wants to, sleep how she wants during the “baby stage […] without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues,” and she could make all the parenting decisions on her own.
“Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things,” she explained.
“I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen — I even have the names picked out!” she wrote. “Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want."
She then asked if she was being unreasonable “for dreaming about having children on my own.”
Many people thought the woman had oversimplified things.
"Or you could take care to fall in love with a man who is kind, gentle, generous, loving, hard-working and fun? There's not one type out there. I wouldn't have married or chosen to have kids with an abusive, lazy, sex-nagging, chauvinist like you described either," one commenter wrote. "Did something happen to color or limit your view on men and fathers?"
"Gosh there is some unpicking here! The family unit (a healthy one) is important, you don't have to be married to have children — also don't marry a sex pest," someone else advised. "Of course some become single parents by choice, it's not easy, your comments link to those where being a single parent is better than having an abusive or draining partner. Being alone with a baby can be bloody awful."
A third commenter chimed in: "I think you might have a slightly unrealistic view of what being a single parent would actually be like. "It's really very unlikely you would feel 'rested and relaxed' during the baby stage."
The person continued, writing this:
"I also feel like what you are actually saying is that you don't want to be with a specific type of man that will take ownership of your life, ignore your wishes, and pester you for sex. Marriage and men are not always what you suggest they are — I think you have a somewhat pessimistic view of it all to be honest and haven't met the right person. It's really a lot better for a child to have two parents than one."
But other people thought it could be done.
"As someone on the other side of experience of an appalling awful marriage — all your positive arguments in favour of being a single mother by choice really resonate with me. And that is with the good fortune of two happy and easygoing children," one person explained. "I would say however don’t underestimate how difficult the baby and toddler years are. With sleep[l]essness and the relentlessness of ‘caring’ duties which are 24 hours, seven days a week — at least for the first three to five years straight."
That person continued, writing, "It is easier to share the parenting load with logistics and running around. But if you have a plan / strategy regarding how to manage this on your own, that’s important. And as you have highlighted a very good many men are not prepared to share the parenting load in which case you would be doing it all yourself anyway. If the timing is right, and you would like a family, I say go for it!"
"Single mum here and I agree," another woman wrote. "Parenting is hard, but it's harder having a s— partner! I found things got easier when my ex left and my daughter was small. Regarding expectations, make sure you do your research and have a good idea what it's about, how much energy you have and how much you can cope with.
"It's not always cut and dried to be the ordeal that it's made out to be," the person continued. "It is physically extra work, but everyone's different and setting yourself up well with finances, a good location and support (either paid or not paid) can help. I will also say that being a single mum to an older child is actually [a] great position to be in. I'm really enjoying it!"
Whatever the OP choses to do, she should probably realize she's going to need a lot of support if she's going to work and raise kids. No matter how hard you imagine motherhood might be, it's always harder than you think.
