Being a Single Mom During Quarantine Reaffirmed a Truth: I Am a Force To Be Reckoned With

Kweli Wright

I’m an expert single mom. That sounds crazy, but please hear me out. I’ve been a single mom since my daughter was very young, so I’m definitely not saying I’m perfect, but rather that I’m more accustomed to doing the parenting thing solo than with a full-time partner. Being a full-time working single mom is my reality. And so as much as I can pat myself on the back and whisper to myself, you’re doing great, mama! … it’s never easy.

The health crisis (including the horrific racial pandemic that’s continuing in our country, along with the mental anguish of being isolated) has been so tough for all families over this past year, but I know first-hand that single parents have had a unique struggle of our own.

While nothing could have prepared any of us for what the year 2020 would bring, I felt oddly equipped for what was upon my daughter and I for a few reasons.

First, I’m extremely fortunate that my work as a writer has allowed me the flexibility to work from anywhere for most of my career. I’ve been freelancing and working remotely almost longer than I have ever had to work in an actual office over the last 20 years. So there was no transition there for me because, luckily, the two gigs I was working from home remained intact. Plus my own online reselling business that I’ve had for almost a decade was still, thankfully, slowly bringing money in.

It also happened that I was homeschooling my middle school grade daughter for the 2019-2020 year, so working and schooling at home for us was just another day in our lives. Once schools were closed, I shared our homeschooling journey on social media. Within minutes, I had moms — daunted by the task of schooling their children at home — reaching out to me curious about the process of homeschooling and wondering if it was something they could manage themselves.

So in our home, in some small way, we were uniquely experienced with spending these extended amounts of time at home and balancing that with an outside life with friends, family, and activities.

Having to wear more hats than usual? Been there, done that.

But then when the outside shut down, things changed.

What became so difficult about this COVID-19 experience is that the sometimes feeling of uncertainty that comes with single parenthood, became an overwhelmingly constant feeling of uncertainty.

“What do we do next?” is a question I was asking myself daily.

It’s stressful enough to get through day-to-day life under quarantine, but then you’re worrying about how to shop for groceries and basic necessities. Is it even safe to go outside? Are the companies I’m working with going to shut down? During the early days of the pandemic, I was most stressed with money and work, but also having the right information about how the virus is actually transmitted and how to keep us safe. I can laugh about it now, but I remember literally washing my groceries in a sink of sudsy water after the first time I went grocery shopping in a pandemic (never thought I would write that sentence).

If being a single parent in the “regular world” can feel a bit isolating, I can offer that being a single parent in a pandemic for over a year with little to no adults in your social network (or kids for your kid to hang with) can feel hopeless. I’m very aware that there are many people who’ve had a much more difficult path than I have had this year. I’m thankful for all that I’ve been through and the fact that I’m still here to share this is a blessing in itself.

There’s no magic formula that made living through this crisis easy, but being a single mom during this pandemic has reminded me of so many things.

I've gone through those emotional highs and lows that I think everybody felt and still feels. You just don't feel like yourself because what we’re going through is unusual, to put it mildly. I think while we’re still in the middle of this pandemic, we still don’t know what the long-term effects will be on our mental and physical selves. We’ve probably collectively been harder on ourselves, physically and emotionally, than we’ve ever been.

Wrapping my head around what was happening and what I could control was the first thing I had to remind myself. Thinking I was up to speed on all the self-love practicing I could do, I learned that I’m pretty hard on myself. When it comes to taking care of yourself, there is a certain level of selfishness you have to have, but it's hard. What flipped a switch for me was when I actually took the time to realize that we were going to be OK. At the end of the day, when I’m not good to myself, I’m not good to anybody.

My daughter and I got very serious about our work and school plans, and then we figured out what was working and what wasn’t.

Because my daughter is a teen, and is able to understand the concerns ahead, it was easy to talk to her about the state of the world and how it would affect our lives. It was also freeing to not have the distraction of rushing out of the house every morning to bring her to school and run my errands related to my business. I realized that I had remote writing work that was continuing and I had enough money saved up so I could send my daughter to an online high school for her ninth grade year 2020-2021.

I know that may seem like a luxury, but teaching high school lessons would have been very different from teaching the middle school lessons I had done in the past year with her. After thinking about it for a bit, I felt like the financial sacrifice was worth it so that my daughter would be in a better position educationally when schools hopefully open back up full-time for the 2021-2022 year. Once I approached my daughter with the option, she was so excited and confident about beginning the work of a high school student with real teachers. I was definitely not insulted because while I’m great at English, high school chemistry, world history, and algebra are not my jam.

Once she had a school plan in place, I felt like I could also set more relaxed expectations with my daughter around chores, meals, bedtimes, TV, and phone rules. This won’t last forever, right? It’s just not worth the battle and I’m lucky that she likes and is doing well in school.

Having a network meant we could be social — in a very limited way — and safe together.

My own mom and my brother live close by, so I’m able to lean on them, which was and still is crucial for all of our emotional health. Not only can we find comfort in knowing that we’re all doing well, but we’ve formed our own bubble. This means we can have dinner together, go grocery shopping for each other and take road trips or spend a day at the park together.

It’s also great to just have someone to talk to face-to-face. We’ve also set up monthly Zoom calls with family and friends we can’t see in person yet. I’ve always been Miss Independent when it comes to handling everything, so I’ve learned that no matter where I go, my family and friends are there for support.

Something bigger than all of us said to everyone: "Slow down."

This was a big one for me because I always think, If I don’t do it, who is going to? My emotions have been so up and down this year. One minute I feel like I can handle things, and the next I’m overwhelmed with anxiety and just plain sadness about what’s going on in our world. If I take a moment to take a deep breath, it reminds me to be grateful and meditate on the positive things I have going on.

One day I stopped and realized I had been cooking every meal for three months straight. I can’t even remember what I was making, I was on autopilot, but then I crashed hard. While I love cooking, I’m not a machine. As the world started to open up again, we were ordering locally a few times a month. As a single mom, I guess I was trying to control showing up for my daughter by being the Top Chef, but Thai takeout was such a great break for the both of us!

At the start of the pandemic, I also thought that all these extra hours were a great time to double down on the entertainment. I did a deep dive into catching up on television shows, watching movies, and scrolling social media, and that had its place. But now I’m finding that a good book and a workout has been so much more helpful for my state of mind. I’m not crazy though, I didn’t miss Bridgerton or Coming 2 America!

A year after the quarantine began, I now feel more comfortable deciding what the future can look like.

This year has been so challenging for all of us in so many ways, but it has also been an opportunity to do a huge cleanse and just really be grateful for the simple things. Who do you want to spend time with? Who are you allowing into your home? What do you really want for your life? For your family?

For me as a single mom, it’s been a time to regenerate, get creative, and start dating again. Spending this quality time with my daughter has been priceless and beautiful.

Slowing down was needed.

Things will start to change soon as the vaccine becomes more available, states begin to relax their COVID-19 restrictions and everyone will be excited for things to go back to “normal.” We probably don’t need that old normal back. This time has taught me that when I start to fill my plate back up, don’t fill it with things that don’t make me happy.

I can only hope that all parents and people in general are letting go of the things we no longer need to bear. Do the things that bring you peace, power and joy.

Being a single mom during quarantine has taught me that not only can I survive, but I can thrive.