The list is never-ending for school supplies, lunches, cupcakes for the bake sale, laundry, dog food, picking up the dry cleaning, and prescriptions, among so very many other things. And in many homes, these kinds of responsibilities default to a woman. No, that is not how it works in every home, and we certainly want to recognize that, but the fact is that women ā particularly moms ā are burdened with a tremendous mental load, and it takes a toll on our well-being.
A conversation erupted on Twitter regarding mental load and what that means for women in relationships with men. There was an interesting discourse about mental load, which dad and Twitter user Rickesh Lakhani says is what it takes to remember and plan for tasks before actually doing any of them. He explains that these tasks are often mundane and uncelebrated, but women need more credit.
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What are women doing that we don't see?
If you are a mom, you know. Lakhani mentions tasks such as picking out kids' clothes and planning weekly meals. There are also things like shopping for laundry detergent and disinfecting wipes before cleaning anything. Plus, we make appointments for everything from the dentist to haircuts.
And why do we do it? Because we have to. If we don't do it, it doesn't get done. That's just a sad reality for many households.
But what if the tasks are shared?
Lakhani explains that partners often feel like they are playing an equal role because they drop off kids at soccer practice and sweep the floor, but that isn't enough.
"While you are probably carrying out a lot of tasks and perceive that the workload is equal, it's likely not when you factor in the thinking work. If you aren't thinking, planning, coordinating, then it's not equal," he tweeted.
He also clarified that this isn't in all households, but it is definitely happening, and women are drowning.
"But the mass exit of women from the workforce in the last 2 years is largely because of the household responsibilities that have defaulted to women, like childcare," he says.
How can men help?
Lakhani wants men to take a more active role in their homes and to act before being asked.
We can confirm that this is a big one. Moms have enough children. We don't need an adult one too. We want a partner who respects and cares for us and values what we do for our homes.
And family life isn't just about financial contributions. It takes a lot more than money to run a house.
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The tweets made a lot of people think.
A follower replied to the thread, "A great test for men is to ask themselves if their wife were to leave tomorrow (for whatever reason ā hospital, trip away), would they be able to just pick up everything without her. Would they know what the kids timetables are etc?"
The tweets resonated with a lot of women who have felt the pressure of their own household's mental load.
A woman replied, "My ex once told me it was annoying that I asked him every day what he wanted for dinner. guess he just expected me to read his mind while I was busy working a full time job, doing the grocery shopping, and cooking 95% of the family's meals. (also did all the cleaning +gardening)."
"We would never ever have toothpaste or toilet paper if I didn't keep constant track of these things," someone else added.
The heavy mental load is so real for so many women.
One thing was clear among Twitter users ā no one should do it all alone.
One woman tweeted about the parallels between her married and single life.
"Thankfully life has moved on since I was married, now divorced, I found that being single was exactly the same as being married in that I could manage, function perfectly well on my own because apart from car maintenance I did everything anyway …" she wrote.
"Just once I wanted to take a vacation like my husband ā just pack your bag and go. He never had to plan the trip, buy the tickets, arrange the rental car, find a sitter for the dogs, stop the mail/newspaper, pack the kids suitcases, etc, etc, etc." someone else wrote.
There is hope, however, for couples who want to try to work together. One person suggested an app.
"There's an app called Trello which really helps with the mental load. All the household members can share access to it and track tasks, make and adjust notes/lists etc. So no one has to 'ask mom'. Super helpful IF you can get them to use it," the commenter suggested.
We love a good practical tip. More than anything, though, we'd love to start seeing all the dads out there step up.
