When I was 21, I had an abortion. I was a junior in college, dating a man who repeatedly lied to and cheated on me, and was newly diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, which I was still struggling to control. To say terminating that pregnancy was the right decision for me at the time would be an understatement. It was the only decision.
And yet, it was difficult.
I tortured myself with "what ifs" in the days leading up to my appointment. What if I regret it? What if I’m making a huge mistake? And after the procedure, which was relatively quick, I worried, What if I can’t ever get pregnant again?
I thought about the abortion often in the weeks and months afterward. I won’t lie. I was sad. I wished the circumstances had been different, that the timing had been better, and that the guy had loved and respected me.
But I was also completely certain I had made the right choice.
Ten years later, after marrying the man of my dreams and responsibly saddled with a steady job as a commercial litigation attorney, I was thrilled when I became pregnant again. To my extreme relief, it had happened quickly, and nine months after my daughter was born, I easily (though unexpectedly) became pregnant with my son.
It’s not lost on me that if I hadn’t made that painful decision all those years ago, I wouldn’t have anything I have today. Instead, I would still be tethered to a man who mistreated me while I continued to doubt my own self-worth. My marriage, my career and my children simply wouldn’t exist.
I haven’t told my kiddos that I was pregnant once before I met their father.
I haven’t decided yet if I will. I don’t necessarily feel that I owe them any kind of explanation. And they’re far too young at 8 and 9 years old to understand.
But if I did choose to tell them one day, I wonder what I would say.
I would probably say that being a grown-up is hard sometimes, and that life will require them to make some tough decisions.
I would tell them that what is right for them might not be right for someone else. I would encourage them to respect others’ choices, even if they don’t agree with them. I would ask them to try to understand where other people are coming from instead of judging them.
I would explain to my daughter that decisions regarding her body are hers to make.
I would remind my son to honor the women in his life, especially those with whom he chooses to be intimate.
I would tell them both that it’s OK to fall down. Life’s deepest and most important lessons are often learned during difficult moments.
I would emphasize how important it is to love yourself.
I would remind them that they matter, and they deserve to have relationships with people who love and respect them.
I would share that being a parent is a huge, life-changing responsibility, and the greatest honor and privilege they will ever know.
And I would tell them that even though life can sometimes be tumultuous and painful, it’s also beautiful, and everything happens exactly the way it’s supposed to.
