When I was pregnant, my husband and I had a few conversations about our future parenting styles. We talked about how we grew up, the ridiculous rules our parents made us follow, and the things we definitely didn’t want to repeat with our kids.
And when our kids were born, we agreed on most things, like we wouldn't discipline or set consequences much. All we needed to do was feed, change, and follow a routine … easy peasy.
But as our kids have gotten older and learned to test our boundaries, the differences in our parenting decisions have started to stick out like a sore thumb. It’s taken our marriage on a roller coaster ride. Let me break down some of these issues.
I have a higher tolerance for dirtiness than my husband.
Growing up, my dad was a clean freak. He would yell at us for dropping a spoon. I didn’t want my kids to fear making a mess. I’ve grown to accept the clutter in the living room and the few pairs of stinky socks that hang out on the stairs.
My husband’s constantly worried about the kids falling, breaking a bone, or destroying the furniture. But I don’t hover when the kids play as I’d rather they learn to take risks than to stay perfectly safe.
He doesn’t mind giving the kids unlimited screen time whereas I prefer to balance the screen time with doing something outdoors. He can’t stand it when our daughter disagrees with him. I’d rather she speak up than stay silent in fear.
My husband and I never expected to have such different perspectives. Every time we didn’t see eye to eye, we would argue about who was right. But over the years, we gradually learned more about each other and what our expectations are as parents. Here’s how we manage those disagreements.
We worked together to establish our household guidelines.
The first step to nipping those resentment-filled arguments in the bud was to come up with rules we can all agree on. My husband and I would talk about why we thought a rule should exist. Sharing our “why” helped each of us understand the reasoning behind our opinions, intents, values, beliefs, boundaries, and limitations.
Then when we had a list of rules that we both agreed on, we shared them with our kids. We made sure to explain why these rules exist and gave them an opportunity to tell us what they thought and to collaborate on what they think is fair. That way, they feel involved in the creation of the rules and are more likely to follow them.
We determined the consequences for when rules are broken.
We needed to be on the same page about what happens when a rule is broken so that we could have a consistent approach. If we aren’t disciplining the same way, the kids would get mixed signals about what they can or cannot do. Then the rules lose their significance and they can take advantage of us.
So, we wanted to make sure we were both giving the same consequences whenever a rule wasn’t followed. For instance, my husband gets very irritated when the kids make messes. I’m more lenient about it because I don’t mind tidying up. But I don’t want to be cleaning up their messes for the rest of their lives.
My husband and I agreed that we want the kids to learn about shared household responsibilities, self-reliance, and the importance of taking care of our things. So, we made a compromise that he will be more forgiving and not throw a fit when the kids make a mess but our agreed-upon consequence is that I will make sure they are responsible for cleaning it up.
We regularly talk about our parenting decisions when we are alone.
We try not to fight about our parenting disagreements in front of our kids because we want them to see us as a united front. If I question my husband’s parenting decision in front of them, it creates a sense of instability in the household.
Our kids can see our disagreement as an opportunity to act out. They can use the, “Mom said this” or, “Dad said that” whenever they’re caught doing something they know they’re not supposed to do.
In addition, if they hear us fight about how we’re parenting them, they may want to take sides or feel that they are to be blamed for our quarrel. We do not want to put that burden on our kids.
As our kids have grown, we’ve had to be flexible in our decisions.
Fortunately, our son has stopped spitting and biting but he’s started to kick and punch whenever he’s frustrated. Our 5-year-old daughter doesn’t kick or scream but she’s been intentionally defying us, screaming and throwing tantrums to get what she wants.
My husband and I understand that parenting decisions are never set in stone, and we regularly reassess our rules and consequences to fit the changing needs of our kids.
Ultimately, we both love our kids unconditionally and want them to live happy and healthy lives. Reminding ourselves of our shared purpose is often what helps us get through the hard days.
