A wife may greet her husband with “Hi, honey! Welcome home!” after a long day at home with the kids. To which he may reply “Awww, thanks doll! How was your day?” Of course, she's expected to give a fake response: “Oh, it was amazing. I did the laundry and dishes, organized the guest room, cooked a pot roast with mashed potatoes, wrote two new articles and Lucia was on her best behavior. She put away all of her toys, ate all of vegetables, and even help me do the taxes!” The entire interaction though is a myth.
Reality is a bit more honest for stay-at-home moms. In a more realistic interaction, a husband may ask his wife, “Hey hun, how was your day?” And her response? Much more honest: “Oh, you know, pretty tough. Lucia was constipated and so I had to give her a baby enema and she made a mess everywhere. She was screaming at me for more than 45 minutes because I didn’t cut her chicken nuggets right and I didn’t get an opportunity to do any work and wasn’t able to clean the house and we’ll have to get take-out again tonight.”
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Men somehow have a fantasy of what it's like being a SAHM.
This is how it is for many, if not most, stay-at-home mothers. And that’s OK.
What’s not OK is men having a fantasy about stay-at-home moms as always smiling and chipper with a darling baby who acts like an angel all day.
Why do I bring this topic up?
In recent weeks, our daughter, nearly 5 years old, has been a nightmare. She has been asserting her independence, screaming, kicking me, hitting me, not listening to anything I say, using the word “no” all the time, and beginning to terrorize everyone.
I confessed to my husband how tough it’s all been these few weeks, especially since I am also pregnant with our second child.
Being a SAHM is a physical and mentally demanding job.
“Ohh, that’s nothing,” he said. “You’re saying you’re stressed? Stressed is having something to be unhappy about. I’m stressed. I have all my work that I have to get done.”
“BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.”
I took his response to mean that as a stay-at-home mom, I was somehow not entitled to stress. So I told him it was unfair for him to act as though stress from his job counts more than mine.
“Well, she is only a baby,” he said. “You’re her mom. And being a mom is tough.”
Moms definitely have every right to feel stressed out and overwhelmed.
I could tell my frank response about how my day went left my husband borderline disappointed, not to mention annoyed. In turn, I felt guilty and irritated. If people get stressed about their jobs, why can’t I? Am I supposed to lie about everything always being perfect?
Women in general, and mothers in particular, have come a long way from the 1960s, when a mother was expected to stay at home to raise her children without comment, much less complaint. In 1967, 49% of women were stay-at-home mothers, compared with 29% in 2019. The change in the numbers alone shows how much women have grown, breaking free to set a new standard for motherhood. Being a stay-at-home mom can be a choice rather than strictly an obligation.
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It's time for men to have a bit more compassion for SAHMs.
With that in mind, men really need to stop misunderstanding and underappreciating what it’s really to be a stay-at-home mother. They seem to have this image of us lolling around in our pajamas, watching cartoons and cuddling with our kids while chocolate chip cookies bake in the oven. They need to be educated and made more aware of all the challenges we face. They need to ditch the fantasy of the stay-at-home mom as some magic fairy waving her wand over everything. That has to change.
Here’s what men should know, just for starters. Being a stay-at-home mom is, in fact, the equivalent to working two-and-a-half full-time jobs and is a 98-hour work week, according to a study conducted by juice company Welch’s. And remember, this commitment is honored without work “benefits” per se. No salary. No health insurance. No retirement plans. No room for advancement. No days off. No vacation or sick days.
Women put a lot on the line to be SAHMs.
Imagine asking a female executive earning $150,000 a year and logging 96 hours a week how her day went. Should anyone expect her to answer that every day goes perfectly, free of conflicts? No. Then why expect it from a stay-at-home mom?
Men have to understand the realities here. The realities of pregnancy. The realities of childbirth. The realities of being a working mom at home, like me.
It’s tough. It’s crazy. It’s days filled with tears as well as laughter. It’s dirty diapers. It’s endless crying. It’s screaming at bed time. It’s throwing vegetables. It’s constant confusion. Let’s be honest: We’re all-around superheroes.
Please understand. This is the most fulfilling job I can imagine. It offers so much beauty. But it’s rarely perfect.
I refuse to lie about my honest experience as a mom.
To be fair, I realize my husband sees our daughter in a perfect light. To him, she is an angel. He wishes he could be at home with her all day. So when I introduce the reality that spoils his fantasy, I can see it brings him pain.
But I’m never going to lie about how my day goes to spare his feelings at my expense.
So, dear husband, here’s my short answer any time you ask me this question: “Always challenging, but no matter what, always worth it.”
