Married couples are supposed to be equal partners, right? They share a home and a life and often a family, so they should treat each other lovingly and respectfully, not with one person as the boss over the other. Some relationships, however, develop an unequal dynamic that can cause all kinds of trouble.
A man, 33, and his wife, 36, are married and have three kids living at home. His wife is a stay-at-home mom whom he believes favors their 6-year-old daughter and is unfair to their teen girls, 13 and 15. Things have gotten pretty unfair around the house, and the husband is at his wit's end.
He decided to write his wife a performance review of her parenting, and, well … that was a nightmare. She took it, ripped it up, and threw it right in his face. He felt he was justified to do it and went to Reddit's AITA forum to see what Redditors thought. Needless to say, there were some big opinions about the situation.
The 6-year-old is spoiled.
The original poster explained that he loves his wife, but she favors their youngest child, and she is becoming an "entitled brat." The teenagers always get into trouble with the littlest, who often gets away without any punishment at all.
The three girls were recently left home alone while their parents went to an appointment and used the pool, even though they aren't supposed to swim unsupervised. The 6-year-old lied and said she wasn't in the pool, so only the older girls were punished.
"The lying, blaming and favoritism ultimately caused the teens to act out, understandably. Most of their consequences are done by giving more chores, specifically the chores the 6 year old has. Or as recent, they were removed from music lessons as a consequence," OP explained. "I believe they're so frustrated they don't even care when they verbally attack their mother after her unfair treatment towards them. After all, they already get blamed and punished for things they don't even do, from my perspective lashing out gives them a release."
OP had enough and did something a lot of people thought was a little nuts.
The couple has argued so much about the punishment and consequences that OP is just done. He decided to write his wife a performance review of her duties as a SAHM. He told her everything she needed to do to improve, and there was a lot. She needs to be fairer, treat the kids equally, and offer better consequences to the youngest kid.
"So it wouldn't be an entirely slap to her face, I gave her accolades on her strong points for other areas aside from parenting. I guess I felt this would work best, because I could organize my thoughts on paper without her interjecting. However, it quickly backfired in my face," he wrote.
She said his review was "abusive, and a manipulative sexist move." So now he wants to know if he's the a–hole.
First, there were a few Redditors that agreed right away that he was being a jerk.
Performance reviews for your spouse? Yeah, that was a hard pass for several people.
"You don't give partners performance reviews. That's gross and you should treat her as your equal," someone wrote. "Her attitude towards the kids is bad, don't get me wrong. But the way you handled it is sooooo inappropriate."
"She's your wife, not your employee, you are her husband, not her boss, a performance review is something that you get from someone who has authority over you, not from your equal (Which you two are supposed to be), if you can't discuss the problems directly with your wife because she's too stubborn or too difficult try to get someone else in the middle (Like a counselor) to act as referee or get a divorce," another person wrote.
One Redditor asked a fair question: "Info: have you asked your wife to do a performance review of you? It's only fair that she does because this is very one-side."
Most people feel like the whole family is out of control.
Sure, performance reviews for a spouse are a terrible idea, but quite a few Redditors think OP's wife was equally a jerk. She needs to take responsibility for her daughter and stop letting her get away with murder.
"No, this is absolutely a case of ESH. Wife's behavior towards the youngest vs the teenagers is a huge a–hole move," a Redditor wrote.
"ESH would be the right verdict since mom and dad both suck. Him for this performance review s— that is very demeaning when you do it to your spouse. But she is the a–hole for her favoritism towards the baby of the family," someone else agreed. "Having standards for the teens should be the same (age appropriate) for the baby. Since she fails at doing that, she is an a–hole just as much. The teens are going to drop her like a hot potato as soon as possible."
"ESH. Your wife favouring one child over the others is horrible and I can understand how frustrating that must be for you," another person chimed in. "But the correct written form to communicate with your WIFE is a letter, performance reviews are for employees."
This family needs to work this all out.
Sorry, OP, but you and your wife need to shape up. Redditors don't feel like one of you is any better than the other. But, man, that performance review? Yikes.
It's time to sit down as a family and talk seriously about behavior, consequences, and responsibilities. If that doesn't happen, your family is likely to implode.
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