The idea of being someone's "everything" is really appealing. Meaning that much to someone and them being the same for you is the dream we're sold from the time we are young. We are told to find a partner who satisfies every single one of our needs and to not settle for anything less.
I can appreciate that sentiment. We shouldn't ever see a relationship as a settlement. Our partners should primarily excite and delight us. But after 15 years of being with my husband, I can confidently say that the reality is your partner cannot fulfill your every need, and the sooner you realize it, the easier it is to manage expectations.
My husband is my partner in every single way.
We've had our ups and downs to be sure, but ultimately, our love is a union of equal effort. But it wasn't always that way. When we got together at 18, we had an instant connection. One we both felt and pursued equally. I couldn't believe he was real; he checked pretty much every "box" you could want in a partner.
But being new to love means being new to heartache, and when he disappointed me it hurt on a level I could barely fathom. Even if the slight wasn't egregious, it felt that way. How could someone who I trusted so explicitly not anticipate and try to serve my every need?
The answer is simple: One person cannot be everything at once at all times.
No matter what, my husband will always be my other half. We complete each other in ways that I can't fully articulate. But the truth is, there are times I have needs he can't meet. For instance, if we've both had a stressful day for completely different reasons, we might not be the best people suited to help each other out of our respective funks.
I know it can be hard to regulate myself and someone else, so it is fair to assume he feels the same. Walking away from each other and connecting with other people, even via text, gives us a chance to reconnect after we've both regulated some.
That isn't to say I can't rely on him or even put extra on him when I need some relief.
It isn't about reliability. It is about keeping perspective that your partner is a whole person, and you cannot pressure that person to have the "perfect" reaction to every situation. I am a firm believer in soulmates, but I also believe we are able to have more than one.
My husband is my only romantic soulmate, but I have friends that I have known since I was 10 years old, and they complete me in ways my husband can't. It doesn't mean he is lacking in any way; it just means he is human.
When it comes down to it, I can rely on him.
I don't doubt his love, his loyalty, or his intentions. But romanticizing partners to the point where they are our one source of joy just isn't healthy. Giving him space to be his own person without the expectation of a perfect response allowed him to show up for himself and me in a whole, more present way.
My husband means the world to me. He and my son are my top priority and we are his, and in that love we give each other space. We always return to each other, but it is perfectly OK to have help and love from others along the way.
