No one expects motherhood to be easy, but for some reason we expect mothers to do everything. Parenting is supposed to be a team effort, but more often than not we see mothers taking the lead while their partners get a pat on the back for doing the dishes once a week.
Your well-being is directly affected by how you and your partner divide household labor. Whether you’re married or not, both of you will be happier when you share the burden. This doesn’t always mean splitting everything equally.
I use the word "equitable" rather than "equal" because you and your partner won’t always have the same capacity to parent. To put it simply, equitable means fair, and equal means the same.
Right after giving birth, for example, is a time when you should be putting your feet up and letting your partner do a little more while you recover. That’s equitable.
I won’t say much about scheduling work or assigning chores, because that just doesn’t work for every couple (though if it does work for you, keep it up). As a therapist, I’ve found that communication, expectations, and adequate rest help couples find the solutions that work for them.
Set Expectations Before Having a Child
If you’re already a mom, don’t skip ahead just yet — it’s never too late to set or redefine expectations as your life changes.
When a couple has trouble dividing parenting duties, it’s usually not because one of them is just lazy. Oftentimes one or both parents simply didn’t expect to be doing so much.
Even if you’re not a “traditional” couple, partners who work full-time expect to do less parenting. This isn’t malicious. It’s the way we’ve seen nearly every couple portrayed in media our entire lives.
We’re conditioned to think that way, so it’s important to nip it in the bud. How will you divide cooking, cleaning, and child care? How will that conflict with your work schedules? How much time off can each parent expect?
You may not know the answers to these questions right away. Parenting is all about trial and error. Asking them, however, will help both of you get in the right mindset.
You Both Need Time To Turn Off
Mother’s Day is lovely, but you need more than 24 hours each year to take a break from parenting. So does your partner.
Conflict over parenting duties often starts when one partner gets to “turn off” their work mode and the other doesn’t. Jobs condition us to do this; we work certain hours, and when we’re done our brains shut off and start to relax.
Whether one or both of you work, you’ll each need time when you aren’t the one putting out all the fires. Of course, the goal is to parent together, but you should at least have a couple of evenings per week where your partner handles parenting and you can take it easy.
This isn’t about seeing your child as a burden. It’s about giving your brain the time it needs to rest. If you’re in mommy mode 24/7, or if you move straight from work into parenting every day, you will burn out.
Talk Early and Often
Your partner can’t read your mind, and you can’t read theirs. Parenting can make us so busy that we forget to connect, and that’s not healthy.
If you’re upset with the division of labor, say something! Waiting for a fight usually creates more problems than it solves. If you need your partner to pull more weight, you should tell them as quickly and respectfully as possible.
Likewise, if your partner seems irritable or burned out, reach out and ask if there’s anything you can do. I recommend that couples talk with each other at least once a week about their workload and how they feel about it.
Let Them Parent
Parents are a team, but that doesn’t mean both of you will do everything the same way. It’s natural to want your partner to do things the way you do them, but this can set you up to be the dominant parent rather than a co-parent.
As you learn to parent, you and your partner will both do things your own way. If you insist that your partner feed your child the way you prefer, dress them how you like, clean the house your way, etc., then you’re establishing a dynamic where you are the parent and they are only helping.
Not only does this discourage them from parenting, but it also puts the idea in your heads that you’re the one in charge. You should correct them if a serious mistake is being made, but more often than not it’s a matter of preference.
Your goal is not to teach your partner to parent — it’s to learn to be parents together. If you’re always taking charge, you’ll end up doing more work. Plus, your partner is less likely to help out on their own if they’re worried about doing something wrong.
Don’t Keep Score
I know, I know. It’s all too easy to keep a running tally of how many times you’ve cleaned up after dinner while your partner sat on the couch looking at their phone. I’m not saying you’re wrong, but keeping score can only make you upset.
First off, if you have a score to keep, you’re already long overdue for a talk with your partner. Second, the point of dividing labor is not to prove to your partner that they aren’t doing enough. This will feel like an attack, and they’ll probably get defensive.
The point is that you feel like you need more effort from them than they’re giving. You feel like you need more help parenting. You don’t need a stack of evidence — you need to tell them how you feel.
This changes the conversation from “You’re wrong,” to “I need help,” and that’s always a more productive conversation to have.
Hash Out What Needs To Be Done
If you’ve already fallen into the role of the dominant parent, your partner probably has no idea how much mental effort you’re putting in.
I suggest writing down everything: clothes shopping, grocery shopping, cooking, dressing the kids, handling bills, putting the kids to bed, birthday gifts, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the floors, replacing broken appliances. Don’t leave anything out.
The first thing this does is make the work transparent so your partner can see what you’ve done and what needs doing. It makes the parenting workload as obvious to them as it is to you.
It also makes it easier for them to take things off your plate. Instead of asking you five times a day whether you’ve already done something, they can take initiative and do it themselves.
Plus — and maybe it’s just me — there’s something incredibly satisfying about checking a task off a list.
Work Smarter, Not Harder
Sometimes no matter what you do, parenting feels like too much work. Even if you have a great system with your partner, life will find a way to muck it up sometimes.
Getting sick, working overtime, school holidays, and traveling are just a few examples of times when one of you will have to do more than the other. This can last for days, weeks, or even months depending on the situation.
You shouldn’t try to suck it up and tough it out if you and your partner are both overworked. Sometimes you’ll need to simplify things. Ordering meal preps, skipping cleaning days, or hiring a sitter can reduce your labor and give you both time to get back on track.
There are times when your partner needs to step up and pull more weight, but there are also times when parenting is a little too much for both of you. In these cases, don’t be afraid to make the work easier in any way you can.
Don't Be Discouraged By Mistakes
No couple is the same, so don’t be discouraged if it takes some mistakes for you to find the right parenting balance with your partner.
The important thing to remember is not to play the role of the main parent. Encourage, advise, and guide your partner into parenting their way instead. Make it clear that you are not in charge — you are a partner. It may take some time, but if you communicate your feelings and work toward co-parenting, you’ll likely find that your partner wants to step up.
