If you have spent even one day as a stay-at-home parent, you know it is 100% a full-time job. Whether you are caring for one child or 100, there is always something to do with the kids and around the house. There are no vacations, no sick days, and no bonus pay. But many parents will say that the special time spent with their kids is worth it.
If you are a stay-at-home parent, your partner likely works outside of the home to afford the family's expenses. Because that person isn't home, the stay-at-home parent typically runs errands and chores and takes care of the kids. A woman wrote to Slate's Care and Feeding column about her stay-at-home husband and his strange interpretation of his job description.
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The couple both worked until they became parents.
When the child became a toddler, OP's husband quit working out of the house to care for the little one. The child is now in elementary school and in care after school, and OP still manages her full-time career while her husband does contract work from home. She explained that even though she works considerably more hours than he does, he doesn't help her much.
"The problem comes in how we each define what a SAHP does. My husband ONLY does domestic work for our child: pick up, meals, laundry, homework, and playing. I still do the scheduling, health care appointments, deep house cleaning, yard work, and cooking for myself. He refuses to do anything I need during the week like picking up dry cleaning or prescriptions (unless he has to go to the pharmacy for himself or our child) or general errands I need," she wrote.
"His explanation is that he quit his full-time job to take care of our child, which doesn't include me, whereas I thought of it like a typical SAHP situation where the person at home can do tasks during the day for ALL members of the household who are away from the house during the weekday. My husband also reminds me that I'm an adult who should be taking care of myself, and he's entitled to his time," she continued.
OP's husband doesn't seem to get it.
She is tired after working all week, but he seems to think it's not a big deal and she should be able to handle it all.
"That means on nights and weekends, my focus is elsewhere and I'm too tired to do anything else, and my husband doesn't like it," she explained. "He pointed out that my co-workers with SAHPs don't spend their downtime like that to which I responded by saying, 'That's because their SAHPs take care of EVERYONE in the household, not just the kids. No one is doing my laundry but me!'
"This exchange erupted into a fight where my husband told me I needed better time management skills and more appreciation for what he does around the house and that my job isn't the most important one," she added.
What should she do?
The comments section didn't love this guy.
A lot of people think OP's husband was being unreasonable. He's an adult and needs to act like one.
"If he still works and doesn't want to do certain chores then he should outsource. Having his partner to do all the laundry is ridiculous. Something tells me that's the tip of the iceberg though," one person suggested.
"Your husband is an ahole who wants a divorce but is too much of a coward to file for one. The second he started making dinner for everyone but me he'd have gotten his wish. What a d—bag," someone else wrote.
Other stay-at-home parents chimed in.
Plenty of parents stay home and didn't understand OP's husband.
"When I quit my job to stay home with the kids, I also effectively became my husband's assistant. It's still 1000% better than working a real job and parenting," one person wrote.
Another mom agreed, writing, "I'm a stay at home mom with a toddler who is not in daycare so I have much less free time than this guy. It would be unfathomable to me to refuse to do my husband's laundry with my own or cook for him, and make him do the deep cleaning and yard work, on top of his job which pays for our life. You can do all these tasks with your child "helping" you – but they only have one child in all day school!"
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Is it time for a divorce?
The columnist advised OP to talk to her husband about what a marriage is all about and how they need to be working together.
"Bottom line: You're supposed to be working together on behalf of the family unit. If he is going to benefit from your hard-earned income, you should be benefiting from his free calendar," the columnist suggested. "I hate putting it in such transactional terms, but there it is."
Another commenter suggested OP give her husband a bit of tough love, writing, "I'd invite LW1s husband to rejoin the workforce and then tell me if picking up his wife's prescription is too heavy a burden."
