I’ve always been a bit of a social butterfly. I felt the need to check in with my friends often, make sure I didn’t lose touch with anyone and if I got an invite, I’d say “yes.”
After my divorce about four years ago, I doubled down on my socializing efforts. I’d go to spin class on Tuesday nights, then meet friends out for drinks. I had a few lunch dates a week, and any free night I had without the kids was filled up as soon as I could do the filling.
When COVID came into our worlds and everything was shut down, I had no choice but to stay at home.
The thought of this when we first heard about the lockdowns petrified me. It was then I realized I was using my social calendar as a way to manage my anxiety. I thought if I stayed at home to just relax it would be a waste of an evening, yes. But, there was something deeper there. I wondered what it would say about me. I wondered if there was something else I could have been doing with my time besides watching television, or getting caught up on a craft project.
I’d spent so long being addicted to my busy life, I didn’t think I could find peace and contentment in sitting at home.
I thought my anxiety would eat me alive. I thought I’d be missing out on a better time. I thought I’d be less of a person if I wanted to stay at home and just be. Deep down, I wanted to do be able to do that but I didn’t think I could feel fulfilled if I did.
I didn’t know it at the time but now, after staying at home for months on end during COVID, I realized I was missing nothing by spending time alone. However, I was gaining a lot.
That time forced me to spend more time doing things I loved like decorating my home, baking, and picking up some old hobbies again.
It also helped realize there was something really important missing in my life: a healthy relationship with myself.
I was always trying to stay busy; always responding to things with a ‘yes’ even if I didn’t want to go because I didn’t think I had the strength to handle some of my guilt and anxiety. That made me feel less than. So, instead of allowing myself to feel and work through things, I tried to outrun them by making plans all the time. And if I didn’t have plans with someone else, I’d take myself out to eat, to get a pedicure, or to go see a movie. Not really because I wanted to. I simply wanted to avoid being alone with my thoughts even though I’d told myself I did it because I didn’t want to miss out on anything.
Now, I love staying in.
I no longer feel the need to fill up the social calendar because I know how much more peaceful I feel by spending time with myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t go out when I want, it does mean that I don’t feel this anxious urge to fill all the gaps with things to do.
COVID has been horrible and hard. But it did bring me some contentment in my life because if this had never happened, I’d still be rushing around trying to fill up every free second for fear of missing out, and fear of being alone.
Now that things are getting back to normal, I find myself having no problem saying "no" to invitations and making sure I get enough time alone because I don’t want to lose touch with myself.
Not only is this feeling of peace a lot better than what the FOMO I was having before, it has changed my life. There is no other relationship that can replace the one you have with yourself. It was something I needed to work on, and I’m so glad I did.
